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Teen Poetry #5
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She Sits
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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She Sits |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden 
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A cigarette in her hand staring out the window greasy strands of blue, green, black hair hanging loosly in her eyes She tries to hide her feelings behind a veil of smoke and lies building up a wall that no one tries hard enough to break In bleached jeans and a ripped tank top she sits in the corner staring out the window the bracelets on her arms jingling as she smokes and thinks about life building up a veil of smoke and lies hiding the person she is while she is all alone while she sits. I've never seen you on the streets of this town, I've never seen you just hanging around, But you still tell me that you know me... ~Justin Sane |
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| © Copyright 2002 Allysa - All Rights Reserved | |||
Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I hope this isn't about you  If it is, you should stop smoking now grrrrrrrrrr no smoking for you lil gurl  là où est mon amour? |
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ShortSexyAngelOnEarth Junior Member
since 2001-12-24
Posts 36im a louisiana cajun princess! lol |
good job...... it paints a very vivid picture in my mind..... so yeah, the poem was well written! ok, got the good stuff first. now, like acire said, i hope it isnt about you. smoking is a no no. f'real, my aunt and uncle both killed themselves from smoking, and my grandmas in the process. Maryn |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
No smoking for me. I have relatives who are in the process of dying from smoking... but this is about a character that is in a lot of my stories... I dunno why, but I felt compelled to write about her. Thanks everyone. Acire, Cody keeps trying to get me to give him this web address so he can read my stuff. I'm not telling....! I've never seen you on the streets of this town, I've never seen you just hanging around, But you still tell me that you know me... ~Justin Sane |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
PIP is a very popular place you know, he'll find it, believe me  là où est mon amour? |
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songsoftheaftermath Member
since 2002-06-19
Posts 84a world of disarray |
i didnt like this- it reminds me of a child trying to seek attention but wants to dispell it cuz it would be 'cool' to show your feelings. its a nice write though- the images were vivid like that other person said. just a little bit too stereotypical if you ask me. could the darkness be my friend? |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Nope, he's too lazy to do a google search or anything... |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
never say never Allysa là où est mon amour? |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Oh, believe me, he won't find it... And even if he does.... he won't know which poems are by me and which ones aren't.... He's at camp right now, but he comes back either today or tomorrow...  |
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sleepymoongirl Member
since 2001-04-19
Posts 157bc canada |
sometimes its easier to lie to yourself rather than face the truth but what would be so bad about this cody guy reading your poems anyways? sorry if i'm being nosey..... tend to be sometimes as u go in life there will be ur hardships it is up to u if it makes u or breaks u. |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
There are a few poems on here that he doesn't need to read. I all ready let him read more than I want to, but there are some poems he doesn't need to read. I haven't let him read anything that was directed towards him and I just want to keep this place for myself. |
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DancinQueen
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092Kokomo,IN,USA |
ooooh i really like this. kinda goes along with the chain of events that have been taking place in my life lately. excellent read* --dq **You can't always trust the people you want to** |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
you too Kiley!!! là où est mon amour? |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
it does paint a very vivid picture. i really enjoyed the descriptive language and i think you did a great job, but i have a few words too. try not to repeat words so often. it makes it sound forced or repetetive. 'hiding the person she is while she is all alone while she sits. ' [i found some stanza's repeated, which added to the effect of the piece, so i hope you realise i only meant the above example]. i did enjoy the repetition of the one line 'building up a veil of smoke and lies'. and i'm glad you didn't repeat that one too often. it's a bad habit some people tend to develop. otherwise i think a little punctuation would help the piece greatly. i understand it's part of some people's style, but still, you need to have punctuation somewhere in the piece. i really enjoyed this one. best one i've read all day. /jen/ so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3 |
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allie Member
since 2001-07-09
Posts 218Australia |
Very strong write... Really liked the imagery! It's not a nice picture of course, but very clear.... shows a lot of talent. nice write. |
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