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Cinderelly
Member

since 2001-12-31

Posts 189
NM, USA

0 posted 2002-06-02 01:56 AM

I really don't feel like this poem is complete. So any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Dying on the inside,
smiling on the outside.

What you would you say
if I told you
I cry myself to sleep
each and every night
for a week?

Would you believe
I mask my emptiness
in a smile?

Would you laugh
if what you dismiss
is really chronic insomnia,
constant tossing and turning,
when sleep never comes . . . ?

Could you look in my eyes
when I tell you
I feel so alone,
and no one knows,
that sometimes I feel
my only friend is my pain?

Will you ever understand that I’m . . .

Dying on the inside,
barely alive on the outside . . .

[This message has been edited by Cinderelly (06-04-2002 01:55 AM).]

MidnightSon
Member

since 2002-05-15

Posts 312
between the gutter & the stars

1 posted 2002-06-02 10:47 PM

i like the idea of this poem... maybe you could give a little more about what you mean when you say barely alive. take us to the edge of despair where the person in this poem is...

the word fake in the second stanza is kinda redundant...

i like surrounding the poem with a couplet, but maybe keep the couplet the same so it's more like a refrain or theme.

or take a journey and start to feel better, more alive by the end of the poem, and end with the starting couplet switching "dying" and "smiling". something like living fake and alone and by the time the person figures out to smile inside and live, it's already too late.

this is a great write you have, full of ideas and also full of possibility. as much as i enjoyed reading it now, i would like to see an update to see where you might take this. if you take it anywhere....

"The soul is oftentimes a battlefield where reason and judgement wage war on passion and appetite."

[This message has been edited by MidnightSon (06-03-2002 11:31 PM).]

ShortSexyAngelOnEarth
Junior Member

since 2001-12-24

Posts 36
im a louisiana cajun princess! lol

2 posted 2002-06-03 01:21 AM

i dunno, i like it just the way it is, it portrays a lot without using a lot of words.

[This message has been edited by ShortSexyAngelOnEarth (06-03-2002 01:28 AM).]

vixengrl04
Member

since 2001-04-26

Posts 495
East Haddam, CT

3 posted 2002-06-04 10:03 AM

I really liked this alot, you wrote it extremely well. You really conveyed your thoughts and feelings into this, and I can most definitely relate. Hang in there, it's gotta get better.

Nikki

     *~Fighting for your love~*
    *~Is something I cannot do~*
   *~I'm not good enough to win~*
*~And I'm not strong enough to lose~*

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

4 posted 2002-06-04 08:23 PM

I know that i feel the way you do and if i were to look into the eyes of the people that need to hear stuff like that from me i dont know if they'd be able to look at me straight on...i think they'd have to look away...be strong hun..great piece

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby

aVriL lAvIgNe

MidnightSon
Member

since 2002-05-15

Posts 312
between the gutter & the stars

5 posted 2002-06-05 09:58 PM

"Could you look in my eyes
when I tell you
I feel so alone,
and no one knows,
that sometimes I feel
my only friend is my pain?"

that's sooooo good....
great reworkings!

"The soul is oftentimes a battlefield where reason and judgement wage war on passion and appetite."

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