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Teen Poetry #5
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Sympathy for the "Slut"
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Sympathy for the "Slut" |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
These little rooms we fill With candy jars and beauty Queens, this lip gloss scene, Hey girl - down on your Knees, down on your knees When he didn't even say Please She's collecting your demons In her soft belly, pregnant By your pocket change, your 25 cent plastic rings, your American dream I found her some horses, But she won't ride them. She likes to keep her feet On the ground she says, Her hands creek like old Doors closing shut as she Smokes her cigarette I kissed her and she called Me queer, chasing her daisies, They won't stay in her hair, They fell from her hair and She can't find them anymore Put your finger away, Put that finger away I didn't make you swallow It down, I didn't make you Swallow the happy clowns Somewhere hunny I think You forgot yourself in Those fruitless searches For something to fill your Soft belly /tout ira bien/ |
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| © Copyright 2002 Morgana - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
This was good, intersting. Sorta sad but calm. Not my favorite but still it was a nice read. Regina |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
I actually don't expect anyone to like it. Most people don't like the truth too much. I'm sure it also has something to do with the fact that I'm not too great of a writer.  Thank you for being honest. I truly appreciate it. Cheer up. It could be worse. You could be a lima bean. And I could be eating you. [This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (05-16-2002 07:01 PM).] |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Your writing is fine, Dark. That poem actually reminds me of a few Marilyn Manson things ... I hope that didn't bring your estimation of yourself down further. Seriously. Good stuff.She said burn ... together. |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
I've never actually listened to Marilyn Manson, but he does seem like an interesting person (even if perhaps he is playing the circus clown). Considering how little I know about him I could not possibly feel neither proud or offended for being compared to him. Or at least what I've written about being compared to him. Thanks for the reply. Cheer up. It could be worse. You could be a lima bean. And I could be eating you. [This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (05-16-2002 07:30 PM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
She's collecting your demons In her soft belly, pregnant By your pocket change, your 25 cent plastic rings, your American dream Gotta admit--the title drew me in...and this? put your finger away... Very very nice work here. Powerful, and intense...and not without the subtlety of thought. I don't come here often. But I love this. |
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punkrockerrobin
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
jaime all i gotta say is you need help. robin i am me don't tell me different!! |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Well I thought your piece was exceptionally well written, and the metaphors you used in this poetry were well thought out and extremely descriptive. Not all poems leaving us feeling all warm and fuzzy, and this one served some shock value, good for you! Well done indeed. |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
Who doesn't? Pssst... thank you. Cheer up. It could be worse. You could be a lima bean. And I could be eating you. [This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (05-17-2002 03:08 PM).] |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Hey I just want to say that this is, in my opinion, AWESOME! You got rid of the mushy stereotype that seems to be the worst part of being a poet, and molded words to tell a story that frankly left me unsettled. I like the effect though. It's not often that a poem hits me like this one. Well done! A concussion is bliss |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
You know I like it, Memina.  Every second that passes you are one second older. You'll never get that second back. |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
putting in my library. I cant even describe how much i.. enjoyed (bad word usage) this. ~tiff “A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.” |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
You know, I hesitated in replying to this for quite a while because it did make me so uncomfortable. I'm glad your critique wards off sugary response- I really feel that your writing is powerful, and I guess quite a bit honest eh? But I have to say I don't really like these lines, they sit very poorly with me- "Hey girl - down on your Knees, down on your knees When he didn't even say Please... I didn't make you swallow It down, I didn't make you Swallow the happy clowns" Your poem was well written, but some of it disturbed me; like just reading it makes me feel degraded, and about two inches tall. Heh... and upon thinking about it I guess twas its desired effect? Well if so, great job, it worked. Some women are smarter than that- some of us avoid the rug burn on our knees and stand up tall. Keep on writing Jenn Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving? |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
"Some women are smarter than that- some of us avoid the rug burn on our knees and stand up tall." I agree. I was just making an observation. I know a lot of girls who don't have much respect for themselves and they want love so much that they give into what is not actually love, but they cannot really see that. A lot of them have pride but mistake that for respect. I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying sex (as long as you're responsible). I just wish more girls would do it for themselves and not someone else. Cheer up. It could be worse. You could be a lima bean. And I could be eating you. [This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (05-18-2002 11:48 AM).] |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
hey, well i can't really think of much that hasn't been already said. it was a very powerful piece, and i enjoyed reading it and somehow trying to puzzle out the meanings to your wonderful metaphors =). anyway..i would just like to say that this poem obviously shocked some people. it is unique and different from what we sometimes read at passions, and for that i can tell you nothing but words of respect for you posting it. thank you for posting this, great job. -bergundy- maybe i'll catch fire, something nice to warm me. something pure to burn away the darkness, that hides inside my mind. -alkaline trio- |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
This was an interesting write but very unique and enjoyable. Thanks for sharing this with us Sometimes I get so weird |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Very well written. I liked this poem a lot. Your work in this poem was impressive. Hope to read more.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Silver Butterfly Junior Member
since 2001-03-13
Posts 42Between here and the end |
it's not very often that i read a poem by someone my own age that really makes me have to read it over and over again. This was excellent, and i'm not saying that because i feel like i have to. I mean it. |
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MidnightSon Member
since 2002-05-15
Posts 312between the gutter & the stars |
so i won't sugar this..... superb writing. i like it, and it makes me jealous. it's in my library. and there's not a lot of writes in there. fine work, Dark. it's our struggle for identity that leaves us all unknown |
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