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Maynard
Junior Member

since 2001-06-29

Posts 12
IL

0 posted 2001-07-09 01:04 AM

i know this has the rhyme scheme of 3rd grade poetry, but oh well, i just now wrote this and havent revised, anywho...

Those Words

You took me home today.
I didn't know what to say.
Awkward silence all the way.
But we've been awkward since that day
You said those words to me.

I had three different words for you.
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't want to scare you.
Now I regret hiding my feelings true.
I wish I'd said those words to you.

Now and then I see you around.
Three years ago, the perfect girl I found.
Whenever we talk, I try to sound
Like it didn't hurt when I hit the ground.

I'm sorry I acted that way.
But you know what they say:
It's better to crash and burn
Than to fade away.

I remember everything like it was yesterday.
After so long, why do I still feel this way?
If I could, I'd rewind it all to that day
And say those words to you.

"I have nothing to tell you or sell you for the moment... but thank you for asking."

[This message has been edited by Maynard (edited 07-10-2001).]

Jenabou
Member

since 2000-06-13

Posts 215
Oklahoma/Nova Scotia Canada/USA

1 posted 2001-07-09 11:21 AM

I kinda liked the way you rhymed this

It's really sweet and holds a lot of emotion....have you thought about giving it to the person you wrote it about?
Keep Writing

~Jenna-Nicole~

The world is like a mirror; frown at it, and it frowns at you. Smile and it smiles, too
Be kind,for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle

[This message has been edited by Jenabou (edited 07-09-2001).]

LoneWolf
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 384
IL

2 posted 2001-07-09 12:50 PM

I liked this a lot. i could relate to this a whole lot. great job.

It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that.
I've learned that even when you th

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

3 posted 2001-07-09 03:18 PM

This was a good poem. It might have been better if you had stuck w/ the same rhyme scheme, but it was not bad. Thanks for the read!

*Amanda*
I need more time to find the real me...
to fly like the birds... to be set free.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-07-10 02:13 AM

I liked this one Maynard.....Nicely done here.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Angelwings
Member

since 1999-08-27

Posts 222
IL, USA

5 posted 2001-07-10 02:07 PM

Good poem babe I think it's filled with such feeling. Why didn't you tell her? Well I know how you feel

I hope that you realize that a better thing to live by is "It's better to love and have lost than to never loved at all!" some people are lucky to meet people who teach them things and it's good to remember the things they taught you. Even though you never told her you loved her I'm sure she knew and at least you will always have the memories you all made together. Anyway love ya keep posting! and Thanks for sharin another one!
Chelsea

*that what does not kill us makes us stronger!*

*Everyone can deal with pain in their own way, some things are just harder than others!*

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

6 posted 2001-07-10 05:29 PM

I liked this alot,Mike.
The rhyming was a nice touch.
You expressed yourself well.

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

7 posted 2001-07-10 09:15 PM

this was VERY sweet...you feeling were well expressed

...i enjoyed the poem.

im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

8 posted 2001-07-15 08:46 PM

This is pretty good. You said you havent revised it, and I think it needs it. The rhyme scheme is very elementary. In the first stanza, the last line is the only like there that does not rhyme with the rest of the stanza. In the second stanza, you used the word "you" three different times. Not only was it repetitious, but it took away from the rhyme scheme you were trying to use there. The third stanza was pretty good. I think you could change around the second line there, so it could flow a little better. In the fourth stanza, the third line didn't rhyme with the rest of them, and in the last stanza, and last line did not rhyme either. Like I said, I understand that this has not been revised. But if you are going to revise it, here are just a few things to think about.
Nice work. I did enjoy this poem. Keep posting all your work. Thanks for sharing.

--Marie

You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds.

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