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Checkmate
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Checkmate |
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Voiceless Senior Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 686Under the stars upon the wind |
I moved among the chisled pieces Cold and lifeless to the touch Trapped upon a board of reason Is to escape this asking to much? Entangled in the black and white Moved against my will I am just another pawn Left to always expect the kill The king's pride is slowly lacking As the last move starts to storm Left is the single figure to fall For once again checkmate is formed... Freedom is not Free (Korean War memorial) |
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| © Copyright 2002 Jennifer K.G. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
Well I would tell you what you're doing wrong if you were doing anything wrong. I thought it was a great poem. Rather creative too. I loved the first stanza especially. The last line was just like "that's it!". Well anywho, thanks for sharing this poem. I enjoyed it.  The only thing that I fear is to die quietly. |
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Marshalzu  
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Wow I really loved it, it's so creative and very different I like the idea of the peices being trapped and moved around, thanks for sharing this wonderful piece of poetry with us, oh and there is nothing right or wrong about writing poetry, it all comes from the soul and souls can't be right or wrong  Andrew The silence is more beautiful than you will ever know |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
WOW! I really like this poem. The analogy of the chess game is awesome. I moved among the chisled pieces Cold and lifeless to the touch Trapped upon a board of reason Is to escape this asking to much? The rhyme scheme you have throughout the piece is well done and consistent. The opening is strong, which is a good thing in a shorter poem. You express the point very clearly, which makes the reader want to continue reading. I especially loved the line: Trapped upon a board of reason. That says so much about life in general. Just because I need something to critique here, I am going to be extremely nit-picky and say that "to" in the last line is meant to be "too". But that's nothing... Entangled in the black and white Moved against my will I am just another pawn Left to always expect the kill The metre changes a bit in this stanza, which is good to have some variety. When too much of a variety comes to play it becomes distracting. I love that you keep the analogy consitent, and your language is awesome. The descriptions of your life are hidden, concealed, but at the same time obvious... but not annoyingly so. Well done! The king's pride is slowly lacking As the last move starts to storm Left is the single figure to fall For once again checkmate is formed... The metre in this changes again, but it's too much of a change. In the second line, the reader is distracted by reading the words too fast to squish (yes - squish  ) all the syllables in to fit the rest of the poem. However, the rest of the stanza is excellent. The ending is very well-written, and brings the poem to a complete close. It seems to me like you're saying life's a vicious cycle... one game is played, checkmate is formed, and it all starts over again. A cycle with no end.Very nice work. Sorry for the painfully long critique... but don't be discouraged, the critique means I like this piece Nicely done. --Marie "It was a long December, but there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last." (Counting Crows) |
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