To The One Who Broke My Heart

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Shygirl82
Member

since 2001-02-19

Posts 245
Ilinois

0 posted 2001-07-05 03:19 AM

I have thought long and hard
Though it may hurt I have decided its come time for us to part.
Do you know the pain you've caused?
Do you how you made tears fall?
There are no words to exactly express what you have done to me.
Knowing you have no explanations, truthfully that doesnt surprise me at all.
You reel us in with your killer smile and ocean blue eyes.
You kiss us once and we are expected to believe your lies.
You treat us special, at least for awhile, then when you are done, we are abrubtly tossed aside.
You dont even break up with us,
you just leave,
no phone call,
no last word,
not even a goodbye.

We sit here waiting and crying,
wanting you back,
trying to stay strong
and wondering what the hell we'd done wrong.
I've heard you show up back up after a couple of weeks,
but I am begging you not to come anywhere near me.
My heart is broken and yes my body aches but you are something I can no longer take.
So this is my final goodbye,
my closure and
the final word.
Hopefully something I said made you or at least someone else realize that you are a complete jerk. If not dont worry you will one day get what you deserve.
So I bid my final farewell and the last goodbye and hope I soon realize that losing you is NO reason to cry.


It takes only a minute to like someone, a hour to love someone, but a lifetime to forget them.

[This message has been edited by Shygirl82 (edited 07-05-2001).]

fozzyozzy
Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia

1 posted 2001-07-05 04:55 AM

I liked this very much. This seems like the perfect weapon against such a jerk. Nice job. I like the format.

"This is cactus land!!!"-T.S.Eliot

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

2 posted 2001-07-05 08:34 AM

Wow. Great job on this. I liked it a lot, very emotional. BUT the mods may move it, it's more of a prose thing. Don't worry they would tell you if they do.

Jenn

"Woah my love, my darling, I've hungered for your touch a long, lonely time"- Unchained Melody

JBaker515

Member

since 2001-02-28

Posts 458
Dartmouth College

3 posted 2001-07-05 09:47 AM

the context was good, you had some strong points, and the emotions where good..
but to be critical:
First of all i felt as though i was reading a letter, thats not what i wanted to be reading, i wanted to see some poetry

Second of all, i think that you are a great writer, you just need to get your formats down, and this one would be 100 times better if you changed the format, i promise you, it would also draw more readers in, because most dont want to read a "letter"
change it if you would like,
maybe some thing like this??

I have thought long and hard,
and though it may hurt I have decided its come time for us to part.
Do you know the pain you've caused?
Do you how you made tears fall?
There are no words to exactly express what you have done to me,
and knowing you have no explanations, truthfully that doesnt surprise me at all.
You reel us in with your killer smile and ocean blue eyes.
You kiss us once and we are expected to believe your lies.
You treat us special, at least for awhile, then when you are done, we are abrubtly tossed aside.
You dont even break up with us,
you just leave,
no phone call,
no last word,
not even a goodbye.
We sit here waiting and crying,
wanting you back,
trying to stay strong and wondering what the hell we'd done wrong.
I've heard you show up back up after a couple of weeks,
but I am begging you not to come anywhere near me.

My heart is broken and yes my body aches but you are something I can no longer take.
So this is my final goodbye,
my closure and the final word.
Hopefully something I said made you or at least someone else realize that you are a complete jerk,
if not dont worry you will one day get what you deserve.
So I bid my final farewell and the last goodbye and hope I soon realize that losing you is NO reason to cry.

SO there you have it, if you dont like what you see, then you dont have to change it, i just think most people would love to read it in that format rather then a letter!!

thats all for now
Try it and see what YOU think, just an idea!
Thanks,
Jeff

$ Jeff $ : )

"If I'm not back in 5 minutes......just wait longer!"

"You may take our lives, but you'll never take our FREEDOM!

[This message has been edited by JBaker515 (edited 07-05-2001).]

branden726

Senior Member

since 2000-09-25

Posts 607
Bay City, MI

4 posted 2001-07-05 10:19 AM

Well, im sorry about your broken heart but we here at pip always know how to help fix them. Well this was a good poem i enjoyed it.

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

5 posted 2001-07-05 11:52 AM

*hugs* I'm sorry you're heartbroken. I know the feeling, and it'll take time to mend. Be patient.. the right one will come along

As for the poem, I would go with what Jeff is suggesting. It makes it much more like a poem. Nice work, I enjoyed this.

--Marie

You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds.

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

6 posted 2001-07-05 11:56 AM

I totally agree wtih Jeff. The moderators might not like it. It would probably seem more powerful if you changed it to a poem. I have done that several times. I will just sit down and start writing, then change it into a poem. But this was very good as it is, besides it not being a real poem.

*Amanda*
I need more time to find the real me...
to fly like the birds... to be set free.

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

7 posted 2001-07-05 12:33 PM

I completely agree with Jeff.
As soon as I saw I thought "Letter?"
He had a realy good suggestion there- ya might wanna think about it.
You had some great thoughts in here. Sorry about the heartbreak, but I'm glad you were smart enough to not let the guy come around again. Nice read. Keep posting.

Shygirl82
Member

since 2001-02-19

Posts 245
Ilinois

8 posted 2001-07-05 03:21 PM

Ok I am running late so I only kinda of fixed it...but it does flow better and thanks jeff for even taking the time to read my poetry let alone help me fix it...thanks to all those who replied and if I have time I will try to fix it laterz....
~Nikki~

It takes only a minute to like someone, a hour to love someone, but a lifetime to forget them.

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

9 posted 2001-07-06 02:24 AM

i liked the poem...VERY emotion filled...and the last verse was pure power!...i enjoyed it.

im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

DancinQueen

Senior Member

since 2000-07-29

Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA

10 posted 2001-07-06 02:30 AM

this was really sad~im sorry about it all, i hope someone better comes along soon and makes all your dreams come true. heh that sounded corny, but yeah i hope things get better. keep posting

*dq

**You can't always trust the people you want to**

TopGunLauren
Senior Member

since 2000-08-02

Posts 718
California

11 posted 2001-07-06 03:03 AM

I've had my heart broken and I'm really sorry you had to go through than.It's a hard situation to go through and I really hope you get through it.But this is awsome poem and keep up the great work!
Lauren

thedarkangel
Member

since 2001-05-12

Posts 74
~*~the cutest~*~

12 posted 2001-07-06 07:31 AM

i love your poem, i've been hurt bad, but i haven't ever had my heart broken yet... there's only one person who could do that to me, and *hugs* i'm sure it will all get better. you don't need him. love lies in the strangest places.....

love, peace and eyeliner
laura
-x-

The road ahead is as long as you make it. Make it worth the trip ~*~jon bon jovi~*~

Kicking Kim
Member

since 2001-04-16

Posts 426
Cloud Cucko Land!

13 posted 2001-07-06 04:43 PM

This was an excelent read and a very strong poem! I liked it very much, the structure and rhythm added to the concept of the poem and it was very well written! Keep writing!

^*~Kicking Kim~*^

"Theres no posession, just obsession and growing depression"

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

14 posted 2001-07-07 04:16 PM

This was very emotion filled. I did like this one and liked Jeff's comments to add to the poem.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

LoneWolf
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 384
IL

15 posted 2001-07-08 01:41 PM

This was very emotional, i liked it. good job.

It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that.
I've learned that even when you th

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

16 posted 2001-07-13 09:46 AM

Emotion filled post. Hope things get better for you. I loved the read. Listen to Jbaker, he's giving you good pointers. Thanks for sharing

hi Sweets, Lizzy, Kris, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare

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