»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #5
»
never had
| Teen Poetry #5 |
|
never had |
|
|
the_rescue Member
since 2001-05-23
Posts 316Japan |
ole saying is you can't loose what you never had so why does the memory of you make me oh so sad I never had you in all technicallity maybe we both fought a true sense of reality not really sure but it was four years ago we met a day in the airport I could never forget so here in 6 months or so I go back to that place where I first set eyes on your beautiful face weird how you can fall for someone you knew one day and talk to them 4 years later in just the same way but now were slipping our relationship has fadded fadded into something that seems jaded we say our hello's every now and then but will it ever be the same again were we stay up till two talking about the that thing you do now just a pretty face a distant memory but somehow or another an inner part of me I know this is something you will never read you'll never see the tears I saw my heart bleed I once thought that we were meant to be but that was months ago I was blind to see that you were intrested in you and I in me just two people seeking self in all actuality it's all good I shed a tear or two but I would say it was worth you so now if we meet again where will we begin will it turn our grey skies blue or will we see we're actually through either way a piece of my heart you take it's up to you wheter you keep it safe or cause it again to break. I'm not asking U 2 luv me I'm just letting out the truth no hold barred about what I feel nothing wrong with what I say |
||
| © Copyright 2001 the_rescue - All Rights Reserved | |||
JBaker515
since 2001-02-28
Posts 458Dartmouth College |
Rescue... nice words, this was a thinking poem! I enjoyed it, just a couple things: Your rhyming scheme changed almost every line, and i think there were some points in your poem that you just added a word to make it rythme, you know what i mean?? We all do it, it just sometimes takes away from the piece, but oh well  Second of all, for example, you could of made the poem flow more: Like this: This is your first 2 lines, ole saying is you can't loose what you never had so why does the memory of you make me oh so sad I would change that, leave everything, and just take out OH, cause it makes the flow of the poem uneven... So it would flow nicer if read like this : ole saying is you can't loose what you never had so why does the memory of you make me so sad just some ideas.. great piece though!! keep it up Jeff $ Jeff $ : ) |
||
Marshalzu 
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Great work The Rescue, I really enjoyed the read Andrew |
||
|
the_rescue Member
since 2001-05-23
Posts 316Japan |
hey jeff thanx bro I'm not asking U 2 luv me I'm just letting out the truth no hold barred about what I feel nothing wrong with what I say |
||
|
JBaker515
since 2001-02-28
Posts 458Dartmouth College |
no problem..hope you liked the advice |
||
|
Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
This was pretty good. Not the best I've seen from you, but the emotion was strong throughout. I would suggest adding puntuation into the poem. It's a structure poem with a rhyme scheme, so it might help the flow, and the reader, if you added commas, periods, questions marks.. capitalized words, things of that nature. I would also suggest that you take Jeff's advice. There are places where the flow is broken, and that can be changed by adding and taking out words here and there. Nice work, though. I enjoyed this poem. I hope things get better for you. Being alone isn't fun. Thanks for sharing this with us --Marie You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds. |
||
|
Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
It was very nice. I have seen better from you, but this was still very emotional and obviously meant a lot to you, or at least this person did. *Amanda* |
||
|
Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
How odd, Rescue. I can relate so much to this it's just uncanny..... I, personally, absolutely loved this. |
||
|
CwboyAtHeart Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 541Selah, WA, USA |
Great poem. I enjoyed the read, keep up the good work! - Cody - |
||
|
CwboyAtHeart Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 541Selah, WA, USA |
Great poem. I enjoyed the read, keep up the good work! - Cody - |
||
|
Suga_Baby Member
since 2000-08-06
Posts 380Maine, USA |
"so now if we meet again where will we begin will it turn our grey skies blue or will we see we're actually through either way a piece of my heart you take it's up to you wheter you keep it safe or cause it again to break." These lines were my favorite! The whole thing was really great, but these lines remind me of my current boy situation, wondering what will happen if my ex and I hang out again, and it all being up to him... Great work!   ,Suga "A dream is a wish your heart makes while you are fast asleep." |
||
|
Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
Your poem was very sad. It made me think about alot of things;emotions,memories and so on...The poem was emotionally charged. The impact was deep and profound.i congratualte you on a poem very well done. Regina If you only understood my pain then maybe you could learn to be my friend. Be there. My crying shoulder. The smiles. And the caring i need to survive. |
||
|
DancinQueen
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092Kokomo,IN,USA |
AHH I LOVED THIS~! especially the opening 2 lines. wow, im in sort of a situation like this now. and your poem hit the spot. definetly going to my library, and you should feel special because in my year here at Pip i only have 4 poems in my personal library  but newho, awesome awesome awesome..i can't wait to read more so get writing *dq **You can't always trust the people you want to** |
||
|
anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
great piece...i loved what you were saying in this one ...the flow came out quite beautiful...awesome job!im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you? |
||
|
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I relate to this aswell. I enjoyed this one. You really brought out a certain part of my life. Well done here.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
||
|
~sugarpie313~ Member
since 2000-09-14
Posts 375Maine, USA |
hey! GREAT poem, i loved it. it really hit home with me. i'm losing one of my bestest guy friends too and i'm wondering if he'll ever come back because he has my heart *L* awwww i know i know.... shush up. hehehe wonderful job expressing feelings. i love it valerie "...And i want to take you down, but your soul could not be found, doesn't matter much you see cause your disease is killing me..." -Saliva |
||
|
LoneWolf Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 384IL |
This was great, i loved it. It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that. |
||
|
knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
ooo jimmAy i loved this! you did a great job on it hun. *hugs* if ya ever need to talk just send me an offliner. love ya moochs! *hugs* tiff  “A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.” |
||
|
Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
This is very impressive you poured your heart out in this one I loved it If it's meant to be, it will happen be strong hi Sweets, Lizzy, Kris, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
