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Dark Enchantress
Senior Member

since 1999-07-27

Posts 1258
meet Morgana

0 posted 2002-06-21 12:16 PM

This is crap, hence the title, so yeah.. I'm just warning you. Don't expect it to be any good. I'm just "venting" on a frustrating situation. Don't you hate it when that happens? When you want to write something you feel, but it just won't come out right? Grrr.

Couldn’t swallow my
Warmth, too afraid of
Losing the nametag you
Gave yourself, darkness
Until death, is that right?

I could take you away,
I could make you smile
A real smile and even
Remind you of the way
A nice breeze feels on
Your bare skin

But you don’t want me
To save you, you drown
In your puddle of confusion,
Ignoring my call, ignoring
My outstretched hand

So I entered your world
To get a better feel for you,
To meet you in your own
Territory, was my scent of
Roses too stimulating for
You? You just want to be
Dead, you want to live
Only inside your head

I can’t breathe inside you,
My hands shackled to your
Walls, and even then I know
I’m not really inside you,
You’re not even inside yourself

6.21.02

[Jaime]

"I think I would like to call myself 'the girl who wanted to be God'." Sylvia Plath

[This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (06-21-2002 02:39 PM).]

BrokenAngel
Member

since 2002-01-06

Posts 141
Puryear, TN, USA

1 posted 2002-06-21 02:38 PM

Personally, I don't think it's crap. I think it's a good piece. You wrote your feelings down very well.

~*~*~Night Angel~*~*~

Faerie Lick
New Member

since 2002-06-21

Posts 9
Curious, so curious

2 posted 2002-06-21 03:34 PM

I liked the ending. It was lovely.

Honesty doesn't have to be pretty, but as long as its there it cannot be wrong.

Oooh. I just said something interesting.

Hey, look at me.

SlowDrag
Member

since 2002-01-10

Posts 53
Tx...need i say more

3 posted 2002-06-21 07:18 PM

My god.....this was awesome...do you play any instruments? did you write this as a song?...that's how i view poems...if it could be a song or not...and this would be an amazing song...of any type...these are some amazing lyrics...the way they flow and everything... keep it up.

and all i wanna do is be there for the things you're going through....well is it good for you?...is it good for you?

Neosaphire
Junior Member

since 2002-06-21

Posts 20
Oklahoma City

4 posted 2002-06-21 11:26 PM

The first stanza is my favorite. Anyways, the poem kinda trips me out, captures a borderline obsession, reminds me of a scary instance in the past. Yipes. Powerful

songsoftheaftermath
Member

since 2002-06-19

Posts 84
a world of disarray

5 posted 2002-06-26 04:00 AM

actually this isnt crappy.

suicidal friends are emotionally draining. youd think that youd be able to give them something to live for but they just cant hold onto anything you give them long enough to try. its damn frustratin, but hey that's Life. ironic aint it?

good write jaime.

could the darkness be my friend?

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

6 posted 2002-06-27 03:45 PM

This isn't crap. My four page rant on nothing in particular is crap. This is wonderful

mistic
Member

since 2001-05-06

Posts 233
Idaho, U.S.A.

7 posted 2002-06-28 12:24 PM

Beautiful write. I loved the way it flowed and the imagery... everything.

awesome job, keep writing

xEmperorEmber
Member

since 2000-03-28

Posts 136
tx

8 posted 2002-08-13 02:43 PM

I wouldnt mind a vacation.. *notes the constructive critics encouragment* does that apply here? cause you know what im thinking

love ya jams

Paul

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

9 posted 2002-08-13 02:55 PM

This is really NOT crap at all. I actually liked it a WHOLE lot. It's better than anything I've written today. Great job!

I've never seen you on the streets of this town, I've never seen you just hanging around, But you still tell me that you know me... ~Justin Sane

Dark Enchantress
Senior Member

since 1999-07-27

Posts 1258
meet Morgana

10 posted 2002-08-13 03:28 PM

I appreciate the replies as always, but I really don't want anyone replying to this poem anymore. Simply because I don't care about my old poems.. if you are ever going to waste your time on my poems please do so on a new poem.

(Which is "Pumpkin Pie" at the moment.) Thanks.

I'm married to Mr.Metaphor. We make love everyday.

[This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (08-13-2002 03:29 PM).]

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

11 posted 2002-08-13 09:38 PM

I never responded to this? Odd. *strokes chin* Very odd.

Ah, damn, this is replying, isn't it memina?

Sincerely,
SaVerite

LCBS
Senior Member

since 2001-11-29

Posts 532
Connecticut

12 posted 2002-08-13 09:44 PM

Damn you got me all depressed....cause your crap is better than all my stuff!

*sorry sorry sorry didnt see your no replying thing...sorry sorry sorry!*
~Lisa

[This message has been edited by LCBS (08-13-2002 09:47 PM).]

punkrockerrobin

Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 1180
Sparks, NV

13 posted 2002-08-14 04:16 AM

great job jaime i thought it was really good!
robin

you either like me for who i am or you don't like me at all

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