Wild Angels - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

CowgirlFreedom17
Member

since 2002-05-20

Posts 82
Mississippi

0 posted 2002-05-20 02:01 AM

In the midst of the horizen the sand danced beneath their feet.
A silent, beating rhythm.
A melody to ease.
Their manes rising high as it rippled through the air.
A rainbow of natural color with nothing to compare.
A magic, desert song rang from their mouths.
Stars seemingly fell from the sky and then drifted South.
Wild angels with white wings, these desert horses began to sing, with freedom on their mind and no touch form human beings.

Don't hold back the words you really mean.

kaile

Member Ascendant

since 2000-02-06

Posts 5146
singapore

1 posted 2002-05-20 11:01 PM

Hi Cowgirl,

i am intrigued by the "no touch from human beings"...so we are that bad huh?

interesting first post, with excellent use of imagery..welcome to passions..i hope you'll stay here a while..

p/s: check your mail for a special greeting!

CowgirlFreedom17
Member

since 2002-05-20

Posts 82
Mississippi

2 posted 2002-05-20 11:40 PM

Thanks

No, I don't think humans are that bad...but compared to animals, we just can't be compared to their innocence and freedom.

Don't hold back the words you really mean.

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

3 posted 2002-05-21 06:38 PM

CowgirlFreedom17-

First of all, I'd like to welcome you to Pip! ^_^ Lots of joys and wonders here...

I believe this piece has great potential. I hope you don't mind if I suggest a few things:

In the midst of the horizen the sand danced beneath their feet.
A silent, beating rhythm.
A melody to ease.

The flow in the first line is a bit iffy. No matter! It can easily be fixed by omitting or rearranging some words.
At the end of the second line, you could use a semi-colon instead of a period. Maybe even a comma. However, it isn't neccessary. ^^;

Their manes rising high as it rippled through the air.
A rainbow of natural color with nothing to compare.

Very nice imagery here. ^_^ To make the flow smoother, maybe you could omit "the" in the first line. The second line, you could omit "natural". "With nothing to compare" is a bit wordy, so to ease it up, you could use: "A rainbow of color remains uncompared". Or something like that.

A magic, desert song rang from their mouths.
Stars seemingly fell from the sky and then drifted South.
Wild angels with white wings, these desert horses began to sing, with freedom on their mind and no touch form human beings.

The meter seemed to change here, however, the imagery remains descriptive and pleasant to read. ^^ I'm curious to know how stars drift south since it could be the way the earth rotates and revolves. Stupid gravity. -_-; Anyways! The metaphor of angels and horses heightened the sense of the wild, so that was very well done. ^_^

Overall, nicely written! I hope to read more from you soon! Thanks for posting! And again, welcome to Pip! ^_^

-Leah

[This message has been edited by chasing rain (05-21-2002 06:39 PM).]

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.