»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #14
»
please read this and comment
| Open Poetry #14 |
|
please read this and comment |
|
|
Jonathon A. Lowry Junior Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 38 |
i posted this one on "critiques" and no one has answered please give me your opinion no matter how cruel..... STUMBLING Through this life i must travel, tripping and stumbling in the gravel... in the end my fate will be told, soul set to be free, as this body turns COLD... as this mortal body dies and slowly rotts away, this soul must leave now, it no longer can stay... my fate lies in a myth from above, no longer to feel pain, only to feel love... ---------OR---------- Maybe ill die and be condemned to BURN in hell, if this comes to be my fate, in the gravel i surely fell... my soul set free to BURN, my life has been a waste, never to feel the warmth of heaven... the breath of the devine, i never will TASTE |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Jonathon A. Lowry - All Rights Reserved | |||
SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
Honestly, I like the top part, that is very well done, I didn't like the -OR- part, sorry, don't hate me  just liked the top part better ok? SEA |
||
|
MARK V SHELDON Member Elite
since 2001-06-21
Posts 3015In a corporeal internship... |
It reads well and encourages one to think about what you're talking, especially with the way you've split the poem in two, giving the reader a sense of choice. In terms of the concept... I'll agree with SEA and say that I'm not into the negative belief system like some religions teach. I think you're going to go where you want to. I enjoyed the read... -MVS "If you think you know it all, you have a lot to learn." |
||
catalinamoon
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543The Shores of Alone |
I like it, though I agree with Mark that I don't believe in the negative post death experience. Still you presented the sides well. Sandra |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Sir, if you are serious about wanting an honest opinion...it needs a lot of work on spelling, punctuation, meter and thought organization.....you have put good thoughts down...now work on polishing them into a smooth presentation and you will have something.... |
||
|
Logan Senior Member
since 2001-05-28
Posts 1641Arkansas |
Okay, I have to agree with Balladeer, but with the others, I preferred the top one, ahhh, well, no one wants me to get started on beliefs..gentle smile..but being kinna a newcomer myself, all I can say is to listen, and smooth for you do have good thoughts..the caps kinna turn me off also as a p.s. |
||
|
theLadypoet Member
since 2001-05-28
Posts 97Or USA |
Darling poet, Since you want constructive comments, I shall bend my rule: you need some work on grammar and punctuation...if you do not have spell-check, keep that dictionary on your lap like a pampered poodle. I do not believe in hell. I believe life is a schoolroom, where we learn and grow. Keep working on it...think about that second part, hon...it has no rhythm. Good luck to you. Anyone who asks for criticism wants to be a good poet! theLadypoet "A woman is like a tea bag, you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water..." Eleanor Roosevelt |
||
|
theLadypoet Member
since 2001-05-28
Posts 97Or USA |
One more thought...poetry does not have to rhyme. Sometimes you get stuck in the rut of trying to find rhymed words, and the totality of your work suffers. theLadypoet "A woman is like a tea bag, you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water..." Eleanor Roosevelt |
||
|
dgvarner Member Elite
since 2000-05-13
Posts 3552High Springs, Florida |
good thoughts poet.. i like the top part best for the sake of poetry..i believe the "or" part may have its place, but not necessarily in this poem..as mentioned, spelling and caps are an issue  punctuation, i think is a take-it-or-leave-it type thing..(people probably hate that i dont use all my puctuation! lol) but i think youve got a good thing going here hugs, g "If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." |
||
|
Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Balladeer is right, before you go posting up there, you need to work on it, poetry can be very hard work. Spelling, punctuation, and be more specific. What are you talking about? Give us details, don't tell us, SHOW us. A good poem doesn't usually happen in 5 minutes unless one is extremely gifted. Don't expect praise if you haven't given it your all. Have you? If you have, you need to give it more. Keep at it, don't give up and let it sit awhile before calling it finished. These rhymes are too forced, maybe a free verse, there's no flowing meter, nothing in a pattern at all and don't tell me about it coming from your heart. That's great, but in poetry, pattern is essential. I'm not being mean, I'm speaking from a poet's standpoint. You wanted a critique, that's it. Good luck to you! [This message has been edited by Irish Rose (edited 07-07-2001).] |
||
|
Jonathon A. Lowry Junior Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 38 |
THANK YOU ALL FOR THE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM I WILL PUT IT ALL TO USE THANX AGAIN JONATHON |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
