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Open Poetry #14
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serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738


0 posted 2001-06-29 03:36 AM


Yesterdays come creeping
into my time
I should be sleeping
Tomorrows taunt
without remorse
like a riderless white horse
In the distance of my eye
I hear the whinny compromised
Muscled flank
in rippled buck
mocking me--
as feathers plucked
from a love-struck
fattened hen...
it's good that I
can't die again
one by one
no longer flinch
inured of thirst
inept of quench.

No longer do I feel the pain
of wishing for what can't be gained.

I give up.
Yes I gave in.
You, the prize
I just can't win.
And now I feel the hardening
and wonder what's become of me.

I do not wish for that cold place--
nor bitter lines upon my face.
I guess it was too much to ask.
I leave you to the karmic asp
and pray the bite won't do you in...
as I pray for longing's end.

Just one day without the thought
of you and all the joy you brought.

A pendulum, you were to me--
I pulled the chain--in cherished keep.
Then, release to watch you sway...
pained to see you sail away.
However close you came to me?
Was just how far you fled for free.


© Copyright 2001 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

1 posted 2001-06-29 05:22 AM


I give up.
Yes I gave in.
You, the prize
I just can't win.
And now I feel the hardening
and wonder what's become of me.


Just one day without the thought
of you and all the joy you brought.

A pendulum, you were to me--
I pulled the chain--in cherished keep.
Then, release to watch you sway...
pained to see you sail away.
However close you came to me?
Was just how far you fled for free.


Oh me Sista, all I can say is WOW!

Maree  

ethome
Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada
2 posted 2001-06-29 06:35 AM


                "I do not wish for that cold place--
                 nor bitter lines upon my face.
                 I guess it was too much to ask.
                 I leave you to the karmic asp
                 and pray the bite won't do you in...
                 as I pray for longing's end.

                 Just one day without the thought
                 of you and all the joy you brought.

                 A pendulum, you were to me--
                 I pulled the chain--in cherished keep.
                 Then, release to watch you sway...
                 pained to see you sail away.
                 However close you came to me?
                 Was just how far you fled for free."

This is painful hurting writing Celeste.  I have to say that the sorrowful power of the write is amazing!  Heart piercing!

Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley
3 posted 2001-06-29 07:52 AM


OH my. I do feel YOU in this one. Excellent write!  
Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
4 posted 2001-06-29 07:57 AM


Very powerful verse
Your words are felt
Thank you for this wonderful poem
Liz

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
5 posted 2001-06-29 07:59 AM


Serenity,
Excellent write no matter the pain.

Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793

6 posted 2001-06-29 08:56 AM


do not wish for that cold place--
nor bitter lines upon my face.
I guess it was too much to ask.
I leave you to the karmic asp
and pray the bite won't do you in...
as I pray for longing's end.


( smiling) such words you do write!!

Enjoyed!

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

7 posted 2001-06-29 09:45 AM


omg K

omg

you just sucked me into this woman!

don't know whether to say thanks or just cry...

And now I feel the hardening
and wonder what's become of me.

yup - I can relate...


A pendulum, you were to me--
I pulled the chain--in cherished keep.
Then, release to watch you sway...
pained to see you sail away.
However close you came to me?
Was just how far you fled for free.

well gee...guess I can relate to that also...

My one criticism relates to the title metaphor actually...not sure it works in here hon...the whinny compromised? Can I say 'I dinna like it' heh....

But overall - phew...blows me away...really.

Well done dear

K

I am a refugee of logic...insisting
on unlikely land with every step.


Honeybee
Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372
Ontario, CANADA
8 posted 2001-06-29 09:53 AM



Omigod, Karen, this is one heck of an emotional powerhouse! An awesome write, I relate all too well, it's a keeper~

Take care,
Melissa~

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

9 posted 2001-06-29 10:26 AM


FIRST K...I have come up with some alternative for ya, instead of:

I hear the whinny compromised--

How about?

like a ninny undisguised--

OR?

eat at Denny's, order fries--

hmmm...

copper pennies, shiny lies...

You are right again, my k twin--
the possibilities are endless!  
Love you!   but this ninny is keeping the whinny!


Maree...thank you lovie! Yer always so kind to me. HUGS.

Eric...you are a sweetheart and a delightful comfort to me too...   Thanks and  

Sharon, I guess I slipped--sigh...I WANNA WRITE HAPPY--I do, I really do. sniff...

Liz--how wonderful to see you here...Warm hugs and my gratitude. Thank you!

Seymour? I think you are just the sweetest cuddle bunny! Thank you.

Melissa--thank you my friend. A pleasure to hear from you again...

CH--did not mean to neglect you. I admire your work much and value your opinion...Thank you!

and now serenity is off in search of the elusive happiness...and yep, K...whinnying all the way...snort!  

Thanks with love to all!

[This message has been edited by serenity (edited 06-29-2001).]

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

10 posted 2001-06-29 10:32 AM


No longer do I feel the pain
of wishing for what can't be gained.

I give up.
Yes I gave in.
You, the prize
I just can't win.
And now I feel the hardening
and wonder what's become of me.


I do not wish for that cold place--
nor bitter lines upon my face.
I guess it was too much to ask.
I leave you to the karmic asp
and pray the bite won't do you in...
as I pray for longing's end.

Just one day without the thought
of you and all the joy you brought.

A pendulum, you were to me--
I pulled the chain--in cherished keep.
Then, release to watch you sway...
pained to see you sail away.
However close you came to me?
Was just how far you fled for free.
===================================

mirrors ... bittersweet beautiful poetic mirrors.
me

We're all feeding our lonely like it might go away,
Like the doors of heaven will swing wide open if we just find the right words to say.
~E. McCain

VAS
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450
Oregon
11 posted 2001-06-29 10:44 AM


Fantastic write and marvelous ending...but this stanza, for some reason, gave me a cheshire cat smile.

    I do not wish for that cold place--
    nor bitter lines upon my face.
    I guess it was too much to ask.
    I leave you to the karmic asp
    and pray the bite won't do you in...
    as I pray for longing's end.

Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
12 posted 2001-07-01 06:34 PM


friglog  

(ask K)

There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.
byron

catalinamoon
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543
The Shores of Alone
13 posted 2001-07-01 08:54 PM


Oh geez, you must have known the same man, you MUST HAVE!
I think this is such a special poem, I can't really pick the best part, but here is my favorite, anyway.

"I give up.
Yes I gave in.
You, the prize
I just can't win.
And now I feel the hardening
and wonder what's become of me.

I do not wish for that cold place--
nor bitter lines upon my face.
I guess it was too much to ask.
I leave you to the karmic asp
and pray the bite won't do you in...
as I pray for longing's end."

God I hope the karmic asp gets him!!


Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
14 posted 2001-07-01 10:23 PM


A powerful and compelling write Serenity ... incredible phrasing and imagery. I really enjoyed this piece!  

Best wishes,
/Kit

Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
15 posted 2001-07-01 10:33 PM


this is one of the best of yours I've seen, serenity...white horses are overrated anyway  
Mysteria
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
16 posted 2001-07-01 10:59 PM


Whinney away, sounds like a good whinny would do you wonders!  What a fantastic piece of poetry and each time I read a new one they get better and better!  I am just sorry that it was this subject that produced my favorite of yours to date.  Can I give a hug long distance?

If I have made you smile today, then I have done my job!    ~* Mysteria *~

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