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Open Poetry #13
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Turning Out
| Open Poetry #13 |
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Turning Out |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion 
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Turning Out It’s easy to forget in winter, buried beneath flannel layers of comfort chasing ‘way the chill, sleep comes deep in narcotic rain, the beast locked down inside that navy pea coat, sturdy shoes and woolen socks. At the first signs of warmth, you shuck burlap browns, toss the black leather jacket (that no longer looks cool) aside, and search for the spring in you. When nights turn sultry you find yourself cruising the highways, blasting Neil Young - rough and raw and loud and that animal just comes roaring out. © ’01 Corinne Bailey |
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| © Copyright 2001 Corinne - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JLR Senior Member
since 2001-02-04
Posts 1785 |
Yes that animal does...and I still love the black leather jacket! Great write! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
"blasting Neil Young...." Yes! |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Turning Out "It’s easy to forget in winter, buried beneath flannel layers of comfort chasing ‘way the chill, sleep comes deep in narcotic rain, the beast locked down inside that navy pea coat, sturdy shoes and woolen socks. At the first signs of warmth, you shuck burlap browns, toss the black leather jacket (that no longer looks cool) aside, and search for the spring in you. When nights turn sultry you find yourself cruising the highways, blasting Neil Young - rough and raw and loud and that animal just comes roaring out." This is quite frankly, publishing material, it's fantastic. The only thing I would offer in way of critique is I would use an active voice such as: " you shuck burlap browns, at the first signs of warmth" or " you find yourself cruising the highways, when nights turn sultry" I would drop one "and" : "rough, raw and loud" But these small offerings cannot match the excellence of this piece!! Kathleen Blake |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Corinne~ This is so YOU ... It is going into my favorites pile !  I especially enjoyed the imagery of - 'At the first signs of warmth, you shuck burlap browns, toss the black leather jacket (that no longer looks cool) aside, and search for the spring in you.' PERFECT ! !  ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Thanks, JLR and Sunshine! Kathleen, thank you for the excellent critique, I had already made some revisions, but now I need to ponder a couple more of your suggestions (about the active voice). Marge, thank you so much! I'm honored! Revision version (so far): Turning Out It’s easy to forget in winter, buried beneath flannel layers of comfort chasing ‘way the chill, sleep comes deep in narcotic rain, the beast locked down inside that navy pea coat, sturdy shoes and woolen socks. First signs of warmth, you shuck burlap browns, toss the black leather jacket (that no longer looks cool) aside, search for the spring in you. Sultry nights find you cruising the highways, blasting Neil Young - rough, raw and loud and that animal comes roaring out. © ’01 Corinne Bailey |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
I really like this Corinne. . . and with the revisions that you've made. . . it's even better. . .  -------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Corinne, I have missed your words so very much... and this one just blatantly points out to me how wrong I have been to miss out on gems of poetry... but now I am back and am reading a gem... many times over regards, Sudhir |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
"sleep comes deep in narcotic rain" Now THAT is cool! I really enjoyed this one Corinne. Mike |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Sven, thank you! It's great to get feedback on the revisions, too! Sudhir, I've missed your writing as well, I promise to go right now and check out some of your recent posts! And thank you! Packrat Mike - glad you like! Corinne |
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Wilfred Yeats Member Elite
since 2000-08-04
Posts 2704Wilmington, Delaware |
Behind the wheel - in winter - I'm more into deeply romantic music - from "Have I told you lately... by Rod Stewart - to Lionel Ritchie and Linda Ronstadt - they help wqrm me... in Summer - more lively - but still romantic - Moonlight in Vermont, songs from Phantom of the Opera - Breathe (Faith Hill) Mariah Carey - the list is endless - Bottom line - I'm stuck with oral diarrhea - while you continue to speak for me with your magnificent economy of words - and all I should be saying is 'thank you' once again |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Bill, thank you, once again! You continue to inpsire me with your kind words! Corinne |
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