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Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius

since 2000-10-09

Posts 13989

0 posted 2001-05-17 12:48 PM

Sadness rains
from thunder clouds above
as the imepending gloom
settles upon my heart.
No, the sun will not shine
through the darkening skies
as the mists of the unknown
envelopes me,
drawing me deeper
into it's fold.
I seem powerless
to fight this immortal
enemy
that seems
to seep
into every pore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Powerless,
I feel myself
slipping further
under it's hold.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I try to look for a glimpse
of light
to guide my path,
to show me the way........

but the light,
it will not come....
no......
the sun will not shine
today.

On the wings of words our spirits fly....and our souls are free.
~Me~

[This message has been edited by Gentle Spirit (edited 05-17-2001).]

Professor Gloom
Member Elite

since 2000-07-23

Posts 3082
of Depression

1 posted 2001-05-17 02:11 PM

I like this,
but I think it could be slightly modified.
Example
I try to look for a glimpse
of light
to guide my path,
to show me the way........

might be
I try looking for a glimpse
of light
to guide my path,
showing the way........

Minor changes and perhaps
not really needed.

Keep up the good writing.

Gloom

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius

since 2000-10-09

Posts 13989

2 posted 2001-05-17 02:44 PM

Gloom, thanks for the critique. I enjoyed reading your honest opinion, and I think it works well the way you wrote it. Thanks.
D

On the wings of words our spirits fly....and our souls are free.
~Me~

sigheyes
Member

since 2001-04-25

Posts 323
the winds of destiny

3 posted 2001-05-17 09:19 PM

When the mists have cleared
and the thunder storms have passed
love shall return again,
to prevail, to last.

HUGS D!!

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

4 posted 2001-05-17 09:25 PM

Very nicely written GS and personally I liked the original write better...it's more personified and singular...if anything I'd consider ..."I look for a glimpse..."

jwesley

Mike
Member Elite

since 1999-06-19

Posts 2462

5 posted 2001-05-18 12:38 PM

enjoyed the poem, nicely written.

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius

since 2000-10-09

Posts 13989

6 posted 2001-05-18 09:00 AM

Thank you all for your opinions and insight into this. This was more just a venting and writing for me poem than a writing for form type thing. Thanks.
D

On the wings of words our spirits fly....and our souls are free.
~Me~

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

7 posted 2004-06-01 12:41 PM

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