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VAS
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450
Oregon

0 posted 2001-05-08 01:06 AM


Character Study
Virginia Salter

I was twelve or thirteen
and she
well, let’s just say
she had gained character

Charisma, too,
though I didn’t know what that was
back then,
but I was fascinated by her. . .
there, in the strawberry field.

Her skin was brown and creased like leather
not from her birthing
but
from the sun
she surely was poor, too,
economically
but her toothless, infectious smile
erased any pity for her plight.

She worked really hard, too.
That had an effect on me.
To think this woman,
who was at least eighty,
if she was a day,
could fill those carriers
in nothin’ flat.

I sorta thought she had different morals
than most people I knew.
Well, because she didn’t wear a bra,
and not all her buttons stayed buttoned,
just the important ones.  
This was in the mid-fifties, too,
way before bra-burnings,
so the only statement she was makin’---
“I don’t choose to spend my hard earned wages
on such frivolous things.”

Her shirt was a flannel plaid
pants-jeans, Levis, probably,
ya know, back before they were fashion statements.

I watched her,
watched how fast and hard she worked.
Even though she captivated my thoughts,
I picked more berries that day than ever before,
thirty-two carriers!
It was way behind her number
but I was still pretty proud of my hard work.
Liked the money, too.
She was likely somebody’s grandma;
she was nice to us,
my brother and me,
well, friendly,
seems like she used words
and smoked a cigar, too!
Don’t think I’ll ever forget her.

©May 6, 2001

© Copyright 2001 Virginia Salter - All Rights Reserved
Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
1 posted 2001-05-08 01:11 AM


Well Virginia, it sure looks like you never did forget her, and you know what?  I love this woman, and I love how you wrote about her too, great job!  Beautifully done.

~*~ I write ~ Therefore I am ~*~

Homepage: http://www.mysteria-poetry.cityslide.com/contents/contents/cfm/451673

VAS
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450
Oregon
2 posted 2001-05-08 01:17 AM


thanks, sharon, for reading and commenting so quickly

I know I could describe her more clearly as far as physical characteristics, but I'm worried about length.  I want it to still be a poem and not prose.

PoemCrazy
Member
since 2000-11-30
Posts 159

3 posted 2001-05-09 03:00 PM


Hi!

very good portrait.
the only question:
did you know her name?
perhaps that as a title?...tom

JLR
Senior Member
since 2001-02-04
Posts 1785

4 posted 2001-05-09 05:55 PM


I love character studies and really enjoyed this.  I think you had just the right amount of physical desription.  It painted a very vivid picture.
Mother_Earth
Senior Member
since 2000-11-20
Posts 1370
1/2 year Texas & 1/2 year Michigan
5 posted 2001-05-11 10:32 PM


VAS, I can see her in the field with the smoke curling about her head and the loose shirt and old jeans.  What a joy to let us see another side of life.  Thanks for sharing.  ME
Songbird
Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184
Missouri
6 posted 2001-05-11 11:24 PM


This is an interesting read and since you asked for critiques, the part in my opinion that may need some work on i am posting below. I think instead of telling us she worked hard perhaps the description show the work she did. Then in the desciption about her clothing I don't see the need to explain about how ladies sometimes burned bras only her thoughts on them being frivolus. These lines just need a little reworking perhaps.

She worked really hard, too.
That had an effect on me.
To think this woman,
who was at least eighty,
if she was a day,
could fill those carriers
in nothin’ flat.

I sorta thought she had different morals
than most people I knew.
Well, because she didn’t wear a bra,
and not all her buttons stayed buttoned,
just the important ones.  
This was in the mid-fifties, too,
way before bra-burnings,
so the only statement she was makin’---
“I don’t choose to spend my hard earned wages
on such frivolous things.”


VAS
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450
Oregon
7 posted 2001-05-12 01:27 AM


thank you all, I've been getting some really great suggestions

hopefully I'll be diligent enough this week-end to work on this

i do agree, especially, that I need to give the character a name

I'm sure she gave us a name back then, but I certainly don't recall it.  That doesn't mean I can't name her, though.

ATelamon
Member
since 2001-02-06
Posts 328
Purgatory, Last Staircase, Up
8 posted 2001-05-12 03:07 AM


Very intersting. If it were me I would start with the descriptions in the later stanzas first. Then you can build from the physical view to the emotive and mental remewberance and meaning.

Also I would either stay in the heavy slang, or clearly seperate that word usage. I belive attempting to weave it in and out confuses the reader.

And either cut or use some extreme oragnization that a reader can more easily follow.

I rarely ever say that much, but you said you wanted input, and besides...

You once knew me as Le Capitain Regarde, one and the same Virginia.


"The most redeeming facet of life is that we have the comfort of knowing it will end. Death doth love equally."

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