Open Poetry #13 |
Character Study--relly want feedback here |
VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Character Study Virginia Salter I was twelve or thirteen and she well, let’s just say she had gained character Charisma, too, though I didn’t know what that was back then, but I was fascinated by her. . . there, in the strawberry field. Her skin was brown and creased like leather not from her birthing but from the sun she surely was poor, too, economically but her toothless, infectious smile erased any pity for her plight. She worked really hard, too. That had an effect on me. To think this woman, who was at least eighty, if she was a day, could fill those carriers in nothin’ flat. I sorta thought she had different morals than most people I knew. Well, because she didn’t wear a bra, and not all her buttons stayed buttoned, just the important ones. This was in the mid-fifties, too, way before bra-burnings, so the only statement she was makin’--- “I don’t choose to spend my hard earned wages on such frivolous things.” Her shirt was a flannel plaid pants-jeans, Levis, probably, ya know, back before they were fashion statements. I watched her, watched how fast and hard she worked. Even though she captivated my thoughts, I picked more berries that day than ever before, thirty-two carriers! It was way behind her number but I was still pretty proud of my hard work. Liked the money, too. She was likely somebody’s grandma; she was nice to us, my brother and me, well, friendly, seems like she used words and smoked a cigar, too! Don’t think I’ll ever forget her. ©May 6, 2001 |
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© Copyright 2001 Virginia Salter - All Rights Reserved | |||
Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Well Virginia, it sure looks like you never did forget her, and you know what? I love this woman, and I love how you wrote about her too, great job! Beautifully done. ~*~ I write ~ Therefore I am ~*~ |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
thanks, sharon, for reading and commenting so quickly I know I could describe her more clearly as far as physical characteristics, but I'm worried about length. I want it to still be a poem and not prose. |
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PoemCrazy Member
since 2000-11-30
Posts 159 |
Hi! very good portrait. the only question: did you know her name? perhaps that as a title?...tom |
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JLR Senior Member
since 2001-02-04
Posts 1785 |
I love character studies and really enjoyed this. I think you had just the right amount of physical desription. It painted a very vivid picture. |
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Mother_Earth Senior Member
since 2000-11-20
Posts 13701/2 year Texas & 1/2 year Michigan |
VAS, I can see her in the field with the smoke curling about her head and the loose shirt and old jeans. What a joy to let us see another side of life. Thanks for sharing. ME |
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
This is an interesting read and since you asked for critiques, the part in my opinion that may need some work on i am posting below. I think instead of telling us she worked hard perhaps the description show the work she did. Then in the desciption about her clothing I don't see the need to explain about how ladies sometimes burned bras only her thoughts on them being frivolus. These lines just need a little reworking perhaps. She worked really hard, too. That had an effect on me. To think this woman, who was at least eighty, if she was a day, could fill those carriers in nothin’ flat. I sorta thought she had different morals than most people I knew. Well, because she didn’t wear a bra, and not all her buttons stayed buttoned, just the important ones. This was in the mid-fifties, too, way before bra-burnings, so the only statement she was makin’--- “I don’t choose to spend my hard earned wages on such frivolous things.” |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
thank you all, I've been getting some really great suggestions hopefully I'll be diligent enough this week-end to work on this i do agree, especially, that I need to give the character a name I'm sure she gave us a name back then, but I certainly don't recall it. That doesn't mean I can't name her, though. |
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ATelamon Member
since 2001-02-06
Posts 328Purgatory, Last Staircase, Up |
Very intersting. If it were me I would start with the descriptions in the later stanzas first. Then you can build from the physical view to the emotive and mental remewberance and meaning. Also I would either stay in the heavy slang, or clearly seperate that word usage. I belive attempting to weave it in and out confuses the reader. And either cut or use some extreme oragnization that a reader can more easily follow. I rarely ever say that much, but you said you wanted input, and besides... You once knew me as Le Capitain Regarde, one and the same Virginia. "The most redeeming facet of life is that we have the comfort of knowing it will end. Death doth love equally." |
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