The Courage of Birds..........(a rewrite)

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Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

0 posted 2001-04-25 09:38 PM

The Courage of Birds

The sky was smoky like your eyes.
A burning coal spreading
wisps around the top of the mountain.
The birds were acrobats
in formation against the charcoal air
where they would turn one way then another,
one side white the other gray,
a magic that turned them into sky
then back to bird.

I watched you with my heart
as eyes saw
mountains with color
like the bottom of the ocean
when green is almost black.

I could see a storm coming,
felt it build as you turned away,
turned with your needle
to stitch the sky to this minute
in sweeping threads of pain.
My palms were turned sideways
resting on a current of air
avoiding your anger.

Tension exploded
in my path
where I saw your blue eyes
filled and erupting
and hair ruffled from doubt.
I watched you hold yourself together
with the smallest thread of gold,
something found in desperation
that opened the sky
where I saw the birds whole and perfect
in a flash of clarity.

When you turned I wrote your wisdom
on my truth.

To get out of the dark
takes a flash of insight
and the courage of birds.

[This message has been edited by Martie (edited 04-25-2001).]

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

1 posted 2001-04-25 09:41 PM

Excellent, Martie. Very well done!

JLR
Senior Member

since 2001-02-04

Posts 1785

2 posted 2001-04-25 09:44 PM

Powerful! The last verse brought it all together. Incredible!

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

3 posted 2001-04-25 10:14 PM

Martie~
Having read and re-read the original -
I thought it hard to improve ~
but you did .....

'I watched you with my heart
as eyes saw
mountains with color
like the bottom of the ocean
when green is almost black.'

Beautiful thoughts, my dear poet.
You've just got that magic that reaches out and grabs a reader ...
That's pretty darned special lady.
Just as you are !
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

4 posted 2001-04-25 10:17 PM

I attended a poetry reading last night, Martie, and the young woman [I think she was my age...] read about some crows...

but this is far better!

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

5 posted 2001-04-25 10:49 PM

I could see a storm coming,
felt it build as you turned away,
turned with your needle
to stitch the sky to this minute
in sweeping threads of pain.
My palms were turned sideways
resting on a current of air
avoiding your anger.

Tension exploded
in my path
where I saw your blue eyes
filled and erupting
and hair ruffled from doubt.
I watched you hold yourself together
with the smallest thread of gold,
something found in desperation
that opened the sky
where I saw the birds whole and perfect
in a flash of clarity.

When you turned I wrote your wisdom
on my truth.

To get out of the dark
takes a flash of insight
and the courage of birds.
=====================

nothing I could say to this would do it justice....
and besides all I can think to say is WOW..
OH...and ... (iwanttowritelikethiswhenigrowup)

Though my soul may sit in darkness,
It will arise in perfect light.
For I have loved the stars too fondly ...
To be fearful of the night.

Joyce Johnson

Member Rara Avis

since 2001-03-10

Posts 9912
Washington State

6 posted 2001-04-25 10:53 PM

Lovely writing. Joyce

Auguste

Member Elite

since 2000-02-16

Posts 3953
By the sea

7 posted 2001-04-26 12:36 PM

Martie,

This revision is even better than the original poem. Such good work here, sweet friend. :-)

Michael

Proust-
"Love is space and time measured by the heart"

Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

8 posted 2001-04-26 03:08 PM

Denise--thank you for the excellent.

JLR--Thank you so much for saying such nice things...I'm glad you liked it.

Marge--you special one...how nice to know that you read and reread the original...I'm glad you like this new improved version...I'm trying to cut out useless words and become clearer.

Karilea--You make me smile.

Janeet--"Wow", is a great word...thanks.

Joyce--thank you for the lovely.

Michael--thank you for your support and your help. You're a good friend.

Wilfred Yeats
Member Elite

since 2000-08-04

Posts 2704
Wilmington, Delaware

9 posted 2001-04-27 09:48 PM

If not your very best post - certainly very close to it = a true treasure

Coco
Junior Member

since 2001-01-28

Posts 48

10 posted 2001-04-27 10:05 PM

Martie sweetie, I really liked this one there's something about it I can't put my finger on it but I've read it twice and still my mind wants to re-read it once more...

Hmmm must be my missing reading your poetry the past month but dearOne, this poem is great I don't know what you've re-wrote but from where I sit you've always written profound and beautiful poems...

Okay enough said, can ya tell I missed ya...

hugsNsmiles2uPoetFriend

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

11 posted 2001-04-28 01:13 AM

"when you turned...I wrote your wisdom on my truth", oh may Martie, puts me in mind of my dear Emily! I have to tell you this is now my favorite until you one-up it, and I am sure you will! (love the new pic!)

Please visit me at my new homepage:
http://www.mysteria-poetry.cityslide.com/contents/contents/cfm/451673

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