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A home without a wall, |
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| Dark Poetry #3 |
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untitled |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
help with a title would be appreciated. --------------------------------------------------- So, Loneliness perpetually eats at the mind, A spider trapped inhead devouring brain; Concussive trauma, blows blunt in kind, Drill to temple with pi inside to drain. Yellow belly soft unstudded underneath- A dragon on his hoard watchfully asleep, Wiley with only his proof buried beneath Reams of printing paper and ink deep. Future focus forever pushing people past Probable point of tolerance towards me, Memory plagues as time’s blow falls fast Upon the tormented cowardice manly. Rejection reveals character the old often Say, so many time upon the cliff words Never dare to test the eyes limit to soften The bludgeoning beaks of prim birds. Hair singed off skin but otherwise unhurt In body where wounds would soon heal Avoiding the nightmare mouthful of dirt; Cards played on Sunday, Satan to deal. I fear less worthy than the Good Doctor I would prove all my detractors correct; Discontent final for my supposed creator Who to purgatory will send this subject. Sartre’s silly conjecture of other people Inversed to punish this destiny’s dupe; Below the altar and above the steeple of Faith fall the footsteps of soulless troops. High upon hill stands the shepherd white As the symphony pastoral behind plays, Skillful strings beside tender brass bright Distractingly strummed for better days. Resolve made to walk the fiery coals, Starboard bow a plank with flesh eaters Below the neck, will soft as sandy shoals Hesitation without push to self defeaters. But, The mind is its own place, and in it self Can make a Heavn'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n. To reign is worth ambition though in Hell; Better to reign in Hell, then serve in Heav'n. And yet again fear of fire conquers will, Though mind knows flames false show, Unreasoning heart senses naught but ill, Forward path remains untrodden below. Re-coil, re-treat, with-draw, far within Myself; Only to badger and beat my own Brow, seeking to stab my heart stricken, Murdering fear, leaving strength alone. Yet Heav’n o’er all does reign supreme, Casting out and letting in too arbitrarily; Of my mind springs forth Rage extreme, To challenge judgments fundamentally. Here my pride precedes and predestines All actions with cause lacking humility, My descent to darkness and flame begins As I embrace windless fall with alacrity. Vacuuming gates polar to pearly white, Passing each of the nine in turn terrible, Rings of fire clichéd and needles bite, Finally Beelzebub’s heads horrible. An ancient friend Mephistopheles greets Me; His formerly sweet tongue a lash, Form stripped, essence bared he beats My hideous birth impaled on black ash. Black phoenix from sulfuric fumes born, Wagnerian refrain releases the punishëd, The winged beast rises to Hellish horn; Across the great void daemon returnëd. Drill to temple with pi inside to drain, Concussive trauma, blows blunt in kind; A spider trapped inhead devouring brain, Loneliness perpetually eats at the mind. [This message has been edited by majnu (11-06-2002 12:11 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Zaheer Abbas Ali - All Rights Reserved | |||
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
Now that my dear friend, is truly DARK poetry. An excellent write. Unique in word and phrase. You indeed mastered this piece. Truly splendid.  [This message has been edited by WhiteRose (11-06-2002 08:42 PM).] |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
rose, you dear, twice a flatter, twice a friend, twice a critic, but always three times a...  |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
awwww..I'm hugging you for that one.  |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
This is some very impressive work. I will have to store it in my library to review it some more. Your skill with allusion is tremendous. I am unfamiliar with Sartre's conjecture here. Perhaps you could enlighten me? Are u an english major? "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
sartre's conjecture is an allusion to his play no exit in which he effectively says hell is other people. that inversed means that hell is lonliness. not that sartre was an existenialist philosopher. I am a physics and math major. |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
NOTE that sartre was an existentialist philosopher. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
I like how this progresses, but some lines feel forced to fit a rhyming format. And all that alliteration... Namely: "Probable point of tolerance towards me," and "Upon the tormented cowardice manly." Also "Say, so many time upon the cliff words" and "The bludgeoning beaks of prim birds." Also "Cards played on Sunday, Satan to deal." Simplistic and notable for its surface only. Also "I fear less worthy than the Good Doctor" and "Discontent final for my supposed creator" do not rhyme. "Sartre’s silly conjecture of other people" "Below the altar and above the steeple of" Messy construction. "Skillful strings beside tender brass bright" "Distractingly strummed for better days." I feel that "Distractingly" is only here to fit the meter. I can't figure out why skillful strings would be played distractedly. "But," Comma splice. "Re-coil, re-treat, with-draw, far within" "Brow, seeking to stab my heart stricken," Does not rhyme. "Casting out and letting in too arbitrarily;" "To challenge judgments fundamentally." Does not rhyme. quote: None of that rhymes. "Passing each of the nine in turn terrible," "Finally Beelzebub’s heads horrible." Doesn't rhyme. "An ancient friend Mephistopheles greets Me; His formerly sweet tongue a lash," Messy construction again. Throwing Me on the next line like that is a cheat. quote: You suddenly switch to a new rhyme scheme. quote: What was the reason of reading this if you're back where you started? If the rhymes were more skillful, it might be a clever dance of form. Still, this has potential. Keep workin' at it. You've got a lot to offer in here. Mikey |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Heh, a renaissance man! I'm a computer science major. Thanks fer the info "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
bsq, thank you for the detailed critique. i appreciate several of your points but a few others confused me. -how do ho-rrible and te-rrible not rhyme? -where do I switch rhyme schemes, as far as I saw, wiht the exception of the quote, I used 1212 within each stanza. -the point for me is not in the reading but the writing. fractal, and they say all science majors are one dimensional! bull!! |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Terrible and wearable rhyme. Horrible and Deplorable rhyme. But compare: terrible/horrible to wearable/deplorable. Terrible and horrible do not rhyme. Just because they both have that last -ible, does not equal a rhyme. Rhymes work off the strongest accent. Everything from that accent to the end must be alike. If you want to rhyme terrible, you need something that ends in -errible, not -ible. As you said "te-rrible" and ho-rrible" But who speaks it Tea-Rible. Ho-Rible? No one. Just like Doctor and creator was a stretch. Doctor and proctor, yes. Creator and Deflator, yes. But -or and -ay-tor, no. Punish-ed and return-ed is lazy rhyming. You're suddenly going into accented "ed"s just to suit your rhyme. It would work if you had used accented "ed"s throughout, but otherwise, it won't work. Mikey |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
i see what you mean. however your assertion that no one pronounces horrible as hor-ible is incorrect because i certainly do and those from which I have learned most of my general language and proncounciation do likewise. for me horrid -> hor-id, thus horrible -> is hor-ible. i have not heard hor-ad, for horrid. although you are right some do say hor-ubl for horrible. i rhyme according to my own speach so I supposed that might be an issue. oh well, thanks again. [This message has been edited by majnu (11-08-2002 04:57 PM).] |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
LOL, I prefer four dimensions, myself.  Little joke about myself. I like learning about querky mathematical things like the fourth dimension and fractals[hence my name].About this rhyming business: "Terrible and horrible do not rhyme. Just because they both have that last -ible, does not equal a rhyme." That's not necesarily the case. They may not rhyme like deplorable and horrible might but they do exhibit the phenomenon of consonance as well as the similar endings. Bill/ball is an example of consonance. The consonant sounds are similar. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" -- Magus [This message has been edited by fractal007 (11-09-2002 01:42 AM).] |
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