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Dark Poetry #3
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since 2002-09-30
Posts 82
Canada, Ontario

0 posted 2002-10-13 11:36 AM

The sunshine I felt upon me brought me no warmth
therefor I wish the sun turns black and cold

Those who were supposed to love me gave me no serenity
So the next time I think of them I shall think of them with hatred

The birds that sang by my window each morning tortured me with their songs
So I shall poison that which they eat and make  musical instruments with their bones

The waters that were supposed to wash away my sins did no such thing
So the next time I step in it, I shall corrupt it with all my guilt

Contrary of all my wishes I lived an unhappy and cruel life
Now I look forward to having a worry-free, peaceful, happy death

© Copyright 2002 Andy Salvador - All Rights Reserved
Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon
1 posted 2002-10-14 02:46 PM

Interesting. Though, I could speak for hours on the happiness and peace of death. But I won't. Nice work.
since 2002-10-06
Posts 61
ON Canada
2 posted 2002-10-14 10:27 PM

We know how you feel, my dear, me and my box of razor blades; especially about the birds.  Still, what makes you think that death could be peaceful and happy, after a miserable and cruel life?  It is only like the putrid icing on a rotten cake.
G. A. Webb
since 2000-01-21
Posts 441
Stanton, California, USA
3 posted 2002-10-18 11:12 AM

It's a sad state of the world these days when kindness and caring are rewarded with betrail, burtality and isolation. It's been said that "nice guys/gals finish last" and I've found that to be very true. Only cruelty and selfabsorbtion are rewarded with love, which truely sickens me to no end. So I can relate to the thought that death might hold something better, as in another life. But I can assure you that in my next life I won't be so nice. It's just not worth it, for no one cares for that sort of thing. It truely is a sad state of the world these days.


Regret not that which you have done,
Rather that which you haven't

Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
4 posted 2002-10-24 10:59 PM

Good poems evoke emotion.
This one made me want to say, "but what of rising above?"

Well done.


There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.

since 2001-06-11
Posts 62
Northern California
5 posted 2002-10-25 09:29 PM

A dark bit of bitterness here. I hope you don't feel like this all the time.


since 2002-09-30
Posts 82
Canada, Ontario
6 posted 2002-10-26 11:06 PM

... some of you must remember that just because I write of unhappiness, depression or even suicide does not mean that I am unhappy, or depressed or am planing my own death...  my characters do not reflect how I feel.  I often put myself in others shoes before writing a piece.  
Thanx for taking the time to write guys.

Some say it's better to have 10% of something than a 100% of nothing...
...But I'll only settle for a 100 thank you...

Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Senior Member
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088
SF Bay Area
7 posted 2002-10-27 01:41 PM

i felt the poem was flat. i got no emotion at all. the line structure was prosaic and didactic. i sounded like a boring teacher reading a boring lesson.

you might try shortening the lines and using puncuation and inversion of grammar to give it some twists. try screwing up the rythm to shake up the reader. maybe insert and odd rhyming sequence to mirror the disquiet of the character.

D edgar Grey
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174
Hell...(aka Wisconsin)
8 posted 2002-10-27 10:49 PM

Ahh...nothing like feeling bitter towards everybody/else/thing. What greater pleasure could exist! Okay, so I'm being sarcastic.

Seriously, though: I enjoyed the bitter taste of this bit. Death is the sweetest thing a miserable person could have. At least that's how I see it...

"Am assured,receptive,responsive women of substance. My sense of self comes not from other people but from myself? That can't be right." Bridget Jones

Moonlight Romeo
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2001-09-10
Posts 982
The heart of you
9 posted 2002-10-28 09:32 AM

The twisting of life.

(You might want to look at the second line here.)

Thank you.

What light through yon window breaks?  It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

New Member
since 2002-10-28
Posts 3

10 posted 2002-10-28 08:05 PM

a very good piece i especially enjoyed the songs from the birds and the sweet death very good. and to the people that say "i hope you dont feel like this all the time" a writting like this does not reflect how one feels all the time but rather an exageration of the depression you can feel, my poetry has the same style and you defended it very well. very good job i look forward to hearing more of your work, i would love to trade peotry.

joey "love is the death of our hearts"

since 2002-09-30
Posts 82
Canada, Ontario
11 posted 2002-10-29 07:00 PM

Thank You Joey, and Thanx to all of you too.

Some say it's better to have 10% of something than a 100% of nothing...
...But I'll only settle for a 100 thank you...

Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

12 posted 2002-11-06 07:12 PM

The poem loses interest with itself in the end, and looks for an easy out.

But the rest held me captive, dearly.

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