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Dark Poetry #3
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Don't tell your worst enemy
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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Don't tell your worst enemy |
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Paragon Member
since 2003-02-16
Posts 114 |
Don't tell me about love I'll tell you about heartbreak Don't tell me about the truth I'll tell you about whats fake Don't tell me you're on the brink I'll push you and watch your world break Don't tell me you fear you've become I'll smile and remind you of what you've done I am that person in the mirror my own worst enemy. |
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idleeyes86 Member
since 2003-06-09
Posts 64Somewhere over the rainbow |
Sharp and to the pont, most poetry of this nature gets far too bogged down with self-pity and becomes boring, you lead your reader along, then make your point, it leaves a reader thinking rather than just depressed. |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
ok, I won't if you don't.  good write! terse, to the point, hard hitting without beating the reader up with excessive verbiage (which I've been accused of in the past) |
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laurie Member
since 2003-05-28
Posts 153canada, ontario |
yeah. sharp and to the point is right.. l like. laurie. the only thing is the 'about' in the third line. it seems to make the poem's flow a little off. laurie. its good, though, and it could just be me. l'm not sure what you'd do to 'fix' it, either, so... yeah. good write though, either way. |
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Foxyoasis Senior Member
since 2003-06-10
Posts 974Atlantic Beach,Fla |
i love it,great right to the point and its raw emotion! keep up the good work |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
the things we put ourselves through are sometimes worse than what others do. Enjoyed. You could hurt me with your bare hands. You could hurt me using the sharp edge of what you say. JEWEL |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Ah, this is good. Almost makes me want to lie to myself about my shortcomings and avoid the self-flagellation. Shenachie |
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gemjop Member Elite
since 2002-11-18
Posts 2587Pencilveinia, USA |
oooh yes. i like this muchly. we really are our worst enemies sometimes arent we? well, most of the time. thought provoking. love gem xxx |
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somethinginyoursocks Junior Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 28IN, the U.S. of A. |
I don't want to sound like a prick or anything, but I've seen this poem before. Just about everything you said is in some other poem and is said in the same way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing you. But, the whole thing is..well...trite and cliche. Who hasn't said that they are their own worst enemy? Furthermore, who hasn't used a mirror to illustrate it? Now, you had an interesting opening stanza (trite, but interesting), but it's too simple. Try to play around with your diction and syntax (read some Poe for both) and try to show WHY you are feeling this way. Right now, you are just stating it as it is. There's nothing wrong with that, but it isn't the best poetic principle to base the rest of your poetry on. Poetry is like Jazz improvisation. There are really no wrong notes or rhythms, but some just sound so much better than others. So, I encourage you to dive deep into your poetic psyche and find a deeper you. Still, good read. You did make me want to finish the entire poem and some people are really bad at that. -I don't need a signature- |
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