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Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

0 posted 2003-05-20 06:31 PM

Tell me, in this world of lies,
Of heartache and deceit.
Where a lonely, wounded soul,
Finds warmth meant to complete.

Tell me, in this world of lies,
Of cut throats and pure greed.
Where a lowly poet finds,
Inspiration to meet her need.

Tell me, in this world of lies,
Of corruption and of hate.
Where a caring, trusting soul,
Can find a like wise mate.

Tell me, in this world of lies,
Of dreams, that every day one dies,
Of children’s woeful, tearful cries,
Of hopes now never seen, goodbye’s ...
Tell me, where the laughter lies,
The spark once found within my eyes,
In this world of heartless lies.

[This message has been edited by Marilyn (05-21-2003 03:38 PM).]

Dark Angel
Member Patricius

since 1999-08-04

Posts 10095

1 posted 2003-05-20 07:21 PM

I'm with you here Marilyn....

Tell me, where the laughter lies

Somewhere deep inside, we've just got to reach in and yank it out.

A great write it's nice to read you.. been a while.

Maree.

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

2 posted 2003-05-21 01:39 PM

Oooh... I love how you changed the rhyme scheme right at the end. Nice.

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

3 posted 2003-05-21 03:43 PM

Thanks for the replies.

Dark: It is good to be back. I have found some inspiration in reading again...lol. I have written so little of the last couple of years. Mostly short stories and I have written a children's book that may become a series if it goes as well as I hope. It feels good to write poetry again.

Marilyn.

P.S. There is supposed to be a gap between the the last 3 line stanza and the second last 4 line stanza....for some reason it wouldn't let me put it in.

[This message has been edited by Marilyn (05-21-2003 04:07 PM).]

Xeonox

Senior Member

since 2000-04-01

Posts 1764
CA, USA

4 posted 2003-05-22 01:34 AM

I like the poem. Sometimes we are often seeking someone who is like us or more "pure". Good write.

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

5 posted 2003-05-25 03:06 AM

It's hard to convince someone that good exists in this world without them personally experiencing it...James

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

6 posted 2003-05-25 03:16 AM

I like the way you write. It's very good.
Though this is kind of sad, I enjoyed reading
it. It's exactly how some people feel.
Hugs to you,

Ethel

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

7 posted 2003-05-27 11:26 AM

You say you want constructive critiques so, I'm not going to go easy on you... enjoyed the poem but, I'm going to pick at a few things.

quote:
Tell me, in this world of lies,
Of heartache and deceit.
Where a lonely, wounded soul,
Finds warmth meant to complete.

I'd rather have ended the second line in a period. Also, the last line sounds like a bit of a forced rhyme... you might consider revising the second line if you're having trouble rhyming with it and keeping it with the flow of your poem.

quote:
Tell me, in this world of lies,
Of cut throats and pure greed.
Where a lowly poet finds,
Inspiration to meet her need.

I like this, but again think the only period should be at the end. "Needs" would sound better than "need," even though it doesn't rhyme 100%, it still fits into the sentence a bit better. I like your use of "lowly" to follow up "lonely" in the earlier stanza, that was clever.

quote:
Tell me, in this world of lies,
Of corruption and of hate.
Where a caring, trusting soul,
Can find a like wise mate.

Again I think the rhyme hurt you just a little bit. I know you're going for the ballad-ish sound scheme (4ft, 3ft, 4ft, 3ft), and the rhymes are important... but those lines, try to take a bit more time with them, if they sound a little awkward then don't settle... try to correct them. Don't be afraid to go back and change the word you had to rhyme with a few times and try out some new ones until you find one that works.

The last stanza, I completely love. There you just rocked with the rhyming, nothing seemed so forced, everything flowed so nicely with your meter scheme and the repeated rhyme really added to that.

Overall a good poem, in spite of those little things that I noted... sorry to be critical, I just felt like speaking up.

Parasite

Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world.
~Percy Bysshe Shelley

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