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Dark Poetry #3
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| Dark Poetry #3 |
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Bars |
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Sikanda Member
since 2002-10-08
Posts 54 |
"Bars" Can't get in Can't get out Bars on the window Bars on myself Don't want to live Don't want to die Can't smile Can't cry Can't get in Can't get out Bars on the window Bars on myself Nothing to lose Nothing to gain To much hurt To much pain Can't get in Can't get out Bars on the window Bars on myself |
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| © Copyright 2003 Sikanda - All Rights Reserved | |||
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somethinginyoursocks Junior Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 28IN, the U.S. of A. |
Wow, pretty impressive. You've used a fairly unique style. I like the alliteration of the lines and the simplicity of each 'mini' stanza. You've followed a pattern seen before, but you followed it (which is more than I can say for many others) nonetheless. My only criticism is that you left it too open for 'interpretation.' While, yes, poetry is written for that purpose, it becomes an art-form when the poet can control what someone is going to interpret. Because you haven't given me too much, I really can't offer too many good revision ideas. But I will say you have potential with this one. Maybe a good idea is to end the entire poem with a profound saying that encompasses the entire poem...something creepy. Something along the lines of "we all have bars" er...something like that. Many writers divide their work into two categories...details, and general idea. Use that here! You've built a great base of detail, now say something profound! Sum up what you're trying to say (but, still in a poetic manner. Don't add water). -I don't need a signature- |
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Flower Member
since 2003-03-15
Posts 240California |
I liked this. The presentation of it was great. Said an awful lot in a choice of very few words. I would hope, seriously, that you keep it the way YOU want it to be and not the way others would rewrite it for you. Love reading all these great writes. |
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SPIRIT Senior Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 1745California Desert |
intriguing little bit of writing this - very nicely done. I 'ditto' Flower also. |
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silvergriffinfire Junior Member
since 2003-03-13
Posts 21middle of nowhere |
Wow I really like this. It's kind of creepy. One thing - the meaning is confusing. Poetry is more open, but even so, there is a sort of guidence to the right interpertation. On this, I can't find much guidence. It could be about self, society, mental or physical worlds, anything. Or is it meant to be that way. All the same, very neat. Descendus Averno Facillis Est |
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