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Dark Poetry #3
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Roses On The Ceiling
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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Roses On The Ceiling |
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lorenlynn Member
since 2003-01-27
Posts 203California Beaches |
Roses On The Ceiling Once they loved, Their eyes told the story, Of how the gates opened for them And led to heaven. There they ran freely Through the meadows, The sun giving them a golden shine. Those nights spent together, Of the laughter, the caring The joy they had for each other. He held her hand, He made her smile, He gave her roses, He said 'From his garden' She kissed him many times, She thought she knew, Love... Suddenly, Love was turned around With the painful lies, The gates now opening for them Led to hell. They trespassed To get to the meadows. They commited crimes, Captured the sun, And turned it cold. Those nights of laughter, Turned to screams. And the caring, They had shown each other Was no more. It was all now a nightmare. He handcuffed her hands, He did just that. He stole the roses With nasty sharp bloody thorns. She bit him many times, She thought she knew, Love... [This message has been edited by lorenlynn (02-24-2003 07:43 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 laurierea - All Rights Reserved | |||
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SPIRIT Senior Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 1745California Desert |
Interesting post. Love can turn so quickly and become a less than perfect situation and you have shown that very well here. I be me BUT who does me be? |
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cupcake Member
since 2003-01-05
Posts 116 |
I read this before you edited and didn't quite understand what you saying. Thanks for the edit,now I can respond. I like it very much now. I too have been in a relationship such as this. I'm a reader - not a writer. |
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Chanson Senior Member
since 2000-08-19
Posts 1559Up Creek w/Out Paddle |
So quickly the good things can turn dark. You've expressed this nicely, lorenlynn. *s When you think you have heard it all, |
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lorenlynn Member
since 2003-01-27
Posts 203California Beaches |
Thank you for your kind words. I knew I had to edit this , sometimes my mind speeds way ahead of me!:unworthy |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Hi, I loved this poem but really wish it has ended right here "Was no more" but is well done and you sure get my vote. |
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Justbleu Member Elite
since 1999-08-31
Posts 3329Oregon, Originally From Alaska :) |
It's terribly sad how humans can ruin something sooo wonderful....very interesting piece!!!! Bridgette  "Somewhere, somehow, it should be possible to touch someone and never let go again. To hold someone, not for a moment but forever." Andre Brink |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
This interested me much, as their was and IS a term "sub rosa" which mean "beneath the rose" and forgive my poor memory but I believe it was a Victorian ornamentation, literally a rendering of a rose on the ceiling, and the significance was that all words spoken beneath such would remain secret, between what was usually lovers... a beauty here...sorry for running my head! Hugs. |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (big hugggsssssss) This is so very heartbreaking, sweet friend, I too know this loss and my heart goes out to any who truly have been stolen like this! (sad sigh) God Bless You, sweet friend, you have my vote, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing! May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Interesting...James |
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devina Member Elite
since 1999-10-28
Posts 3539Cali |
Glad to see some new peoples around here... *tsk to me for staying gone so long. I just love the story line here... welcome to you sweetie! Open arms can be the most fragile in the world... |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Very well done! ~Hugs~ ~ Trace my body with your words.. |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Human nature and its destruction always amaze me, how sad this was. |
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Flower Member
since 2003-03-15
Posts 240California |
Pretty dark at the end, the title attracted me in to read. |
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Lost Dreamer Member Elite
since 1999-06-20
Posts 2464Somewhere near the Rainbow |
Great poem, I wish I could say more, but right now my mind is in shock.  Sometimes we have to follow a stronger voice, even if it's silent. |
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qtpieelmo Senior Member
since 2000-07-04
Posts 989Sesame Street :) hee hee ,NY |
This brought tears to my eyes because I know exactly how this feels--Beautifully written!!!  ELMO[This message has been edited by qtpieelmo (03-22-2003 02:31 PM).] |
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SPIRIT Senior Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 1745California Desert |
Just bumping you up. |
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pearl6884 Member
since 2003-03-23
Posts 72California coast |
SOMETIMES LOVE MAKES YOU BLIND...AND YOU EXPRESSED THIS IDEA VERY EVENLY AND BEAUTIFULLY. THANK YOU! |
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lorenlynn Member
since 2003-01-27
Posts 203California Beaches |
I want to thank all of you for your wonderful comments! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
A very sad tale...but sadly enough, often too true... |
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SPIRIT Senior Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 1745California Desert |
Up again, bump! |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
nice poem! I wish you'd used spaces more effectively in some places, easier for the eyes... So very true... a wonderful and saddeningly beautiful write... |
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somethinginyoursocks Junior Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 28IN, the U.S. of A. |
Great starting. You've introduced your ideas and style very well. But, somewhere along the lines, something gets lost. I don't know what, but somewhere the flow changes. Into specifics: line three sounds...off. I think you used too many syllables and you could easily fix this problem. This is also true for lines 7,10, and 15. To a lesser extent, lines 8,9, and 14...all of these in the first stanza. Try to remember 'less is more' and that should fix the problem. I'll give you an example: line 14 "He said 'from his garden'", couldn't you just say "'from his garden'"? The idea will still come across as 'he' saying it and it takes up less space. Just a suggestion to keep in mind. If you revise the first stanza with 'less is more', then you could easily do so with the next stanza. Here, (in my Physics class, of all places) I can reduce the poem to at least 5 less lines and made the poem even more profound. Just try and condense your work, it just seems too watered down for me. Great read, though! Keep writing! -I don't need a signature- |
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Flower Member
since 2003-03-15
Posts 240California |
I don't think your ctitical analysis is necessarily correct. I have been in and reading a lot of poetry in here and everyone has their own style. I have read this piece several times because I think it is interesting and dark and have not found myself tripping up due to unsteady writing. I came back in here to read again and if needed to bump up on top again. I like the 'HE SAID' made me see him standing there, handing her the rose in a somewhat vain way boasting of his garden. I have already voted on this piece, but I really like it - just the way it is and reads. I think if I was a writer of poetry, which I am not, I might be somewhat offended to have someone tell me they reworked my work and made it better. Love reading all these great writes. |
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lorenlynn Member
since 2003-01-27
Posts 203California Beaches |
Thank you Flower  I do not mind constructive criticism. I write what I feel and this poem was written when I was 14 years old. I think it is good for a young girl to create such a story! Thank you all for your votes and comments  |
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SilentFreija Junior Member
since 2003-03-30
Posts 37 |
I loved the poem, I love dark poetry...I think that's why you'll find a lot of my poems in here. *grins* I may be a freak for liking dark things but who cares? I LOVE YOUR POEM! You've got my vote! Where you look for broken hearts...you'll find me... |
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BSC
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-02-04
Posts 2919New York, USA |
I like this ~ a lot lorenlynn ~ the turn it takes is so sad but true ~ Bonnie |
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SPIRIT Senior Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 1745California Desert |
 Just in here |
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Brad Majors
since 2001-04-03
Posts 2647Georgia |
Well done! |
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jenjen0588 New Member
since 2003-04-07
Posts 5tennessee, usa |
wow, i think that this is great! |
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WisprWnd Junior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 34 |
This is me I think playing with this girl. Read "Heaven Sent", thats my poem in Dark Poetry. It's pretty much the other side of yours. I think our poems should be together in the book. Sweet Peice. The guy that wrote all that stuff is kinda weird, DON'T LISTEN TO A SINGLE WORD!!!! Well, mabey some of it. WisprWnd...... |
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garysgirl
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
lorenlynn, I don't usually read in this forum for some reason. But, I can tell you with all honesty that I think you wrote this poem very, very well. Then, when I read in one of your responses that you were only 14 years old when you wrote this, it amazed me. You have a lot of talent. You have my vote, too. Hugs, Ethel . . (By the way, I noticed this in your critique box...."Treat with TLC please. Thank you."........It's a shame that some people who think they know everything can't even understand when someone doesn't want strong criticism.) |
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SPIRIT Senior Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 1745California Desert |
Bumpbitty bump |
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carol Senior Member
since 2003-01-25
Posts 624Florida USA |
good job  Real friends celebrate in who we are and have faith in all that we can become |
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taramw Senior Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 738 |
G'day... you've encapsulated very well the noose one sometimes puts around another... and then the subsequent prison one feels because of this. Well done. ~ Tara ~ It's better to be a lion for a day than a sheep all your life. |
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