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WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

0 posted 2002-11-08 01:04 PM

Again, with the fables
turning the tables.
With a mellow tenderness
the loving of a sweet caress.

Laced with silver death
sparkled, yet a catch.
Wear my softness carefully
the sting is mine in subtlety.

WhiteRose 11/08/02

"my reflection becomes me"

[This message has been edited by WhiteRose (11-08-2002 01:05 PM).]

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

1 posted 2002-11-09 01:52 AM

I liked your description of initial appearance verses actuality in the second stanza. "Silver death" and "sparkled, yet a catch" were very well-written, though at the same time a difficult undertaking. I notice the rhyme scheme of the poem, which appeared to be aabb ccdd. You had a little less success pulling it off in the second stanza. However, the irony does a good job of making up for that.

The first stanza was well constructed. You were able to reverse your wording without making the flow of the poem too awkward and forced.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

Dark Angel
Member Patricius

since 1999-08-04

Posts 10095

2 posted 2002-11-09 10:14 AM

Wear my softness carefully
the sting is mine in subtlety

hmm indeed it is.

Maree
p.s enjoyed

[This message has been edited by Dark Angel (11-09-2002 10:15 AM).]

WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

3 posted 2002-11-09 10:42 PM

fractal, again, thanks for reading and taking the time to respond.

Maree, thanks for, well you know

Glad you enjoyed.

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

4 posted 2002-11-11 06:24 PM

a nice piece. i almost want to say this holds for most of your side.

-majnu
--------------------------------------
Can you hear it? The Sea is calling.

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

5 posted 2002-11-12 11:20 PM

I'm impressed

I don't have anything constructive to say, but I do like it.

I am a Knight who says Ni!

Chameleon
Member

since 2002-08-07

Posts 99
Australia

6 posted 2002-11-14 03:11 AM

well iam all a little vague.
why are you digging things up? nothing new?
i'll give to you, nice wording and images but iam finding an real reptitive and monotonous rythym from what iam reading since i've been around. but i can respect for what you have to serve.

WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

7 posted 2002-11-14 08:49 AM

fractal, thanks so much for reading and responding.

Maree, Thanks darlin' glad you liked it.

majnu, thanks my dear friend for reading. You are always so kind, kinda

Thank you Skyfire for reading.

Chameleon, Not sure what you are trying to say, cause you are a bit vague. As for nothing new, yada, yada, it's dark, it's dreary, it's where it belongs.

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