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Dark Poetry #3
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Not Quite Right
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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Not Quite Right |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
Not Quite Right Uncentered, off-kilter, unwell; All facets of my sickness so long drawn out. We are all terminally ill - the statistics are quite convincing: one of one. Maybe it's time to get laid again; That'll perk me up. Let's see who's haing a party this week; I like freshmen, most of them are so Innocent, so naive; It'll break her heart when I'm Not there in dawn's exposing illumination. I hope I wasn't stupid enough to use my Real name. It's all part of growing up, just as Mr. Caulfield learned in his wanderings. Tina Turner was right. Let me lash out, my tentacles flailing, Striking, breaking, punishing the world for MY OWN PAIN! A few years of strange impulses and absurdity may be Dismissed as angst, but a decade? Would Erikson still laugh and tell me its a phase? But I laugh, I laugh at everything! And if my end be a bad one, at least it is an End. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Zaheer Abbas Ali - All Rights Reserved | |||
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
Yep, I remember. Just as harsh as it was before. Good stuff dear friend and it fits well here on the dark side.  |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK |
Hmmmmm..... interesting....... erm...... *thinks of something intelligent to say* I liked this. Harsh but true. And, while I'm here, can anyone tell me how to put poems in my personal library? I can't work it out! Help meeeeeee! Ellie (the computer illiterate)  "Last night, I had a dream that I went to the doctors, and she gave me eight minutes to live. I'd spent thirty minutes in the f***ing waiting room"- S |
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Succubus Member
since 2002-09-30
Posts 82Canada, Ontario |
Your poem was great... but do you really think that fooling a freshmen is something to be proud of...? I mean, it's hardly a challenge... I personally enjoy wrecking a home or two through out the week... Seducing married men... now there's a challenge... especially if they've only been married for two weeks... Loved the poem hun, Kisses, Succubus Some say it's better to have 10% of something than a 100% of nothing... |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
thats hillarious. i know a couple of'em who wouldn't mid being seduced - if you're offering. but then that's not what the poem is about. and it isn't the fooling part i like, it's the freshness of them. i only eat fresh fruit. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Hm... This was a very good portrayal of what seemed to be youth angst. Your frank portrayal of the nefarious thoughts of the speaker is well crafted, as that of his thoughts concerning his "angst". "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
interesting write...angst and anger with the underlying illness of the mindset.. perhaps too comfotable in the pattern and too frightened to grow past it... it reads a bit disjointed..while the ideas can be tied to each other easily enough it might benefit from a bit of polish on the transitions... I understand the disjoin may indeed be an effect, it however in my read made me think of one less skilled than you obviously are at articulating the idea. |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
cpat hair, i think there have been enough comments that i can say something about what i was trying to do. i assume in regards to "disjointness" you mean specifically after the indented part. i was trying to reflect the way such a mind has arbitrary seeming yet connected, encapsulated thoughts, pass through it. does that make sense? do you think thats a load? be honest. |
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