Dying (feel welcome to comment; free verse)

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*¤~§µgårlðve~¤*
New Member

since 2001-10-30

Posts 5
Puerto Rico

0 posted 2001-11-05 06:56 PM

...been getting worse and worse,
with each second that passes by
my life seems to be fading away,
cant trust anybody, cant hide anywhere
and i just keep getting scared,
fighting against that supreme force
that kills me a little bit every day,
but i keep fighting
and i keep getting weaker
and life just seems to be getting happier
while i keep dying and dying and dying....

Knight of Secrecy
Member

since 2001-10-12

Posts 113
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2001-11-05 08:51 PM

"and life just seems to be getting happier
while i keep dying and dying and dying"

I like that line a lot, I think if it portrays what your feeling, then you should let it be. Maybe you should play with the format and that's it.

-C.M.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

2 posted 2001-11-07 09:53 AM

Welcome!

This just pours out with emotions, I think you did great.

Please check your email for a special greeting! ~SEA

Baroni
Member

since 2001-10-14

Posts 94
Ontario, Canada

3 posted 2001-11-07 11:24 AM

Well done! I'm not a big fan of free verse, but this one touched me. Welcome!

Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

4 posted 2001-11-07 02:01 PM

i've been where you are...its tough and it sux to say the least...try and stay strong and hope for a better day to come in the morning....::hugs::

ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd..

Dark Poet
Member

since 2001-07-22

Posts 99
North Carolina, USA

5 posted 2001-11-08 09:28 PM

Interesting indeed. Enjoyed.

We are born into this world alone, and we will die alone. It is what we do between those times that matters. This is where we leave our mark.

Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith
Member

since 2000-02-12

Posts 197
Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A.

6 posted 2001-11-09 12:43 PM

I don't pretend to understand free verse as well as more formal forms and I like less than I understand but I did like this one.
I do wonder about a few things however. Why the elipses at the opening, what are we not hearing here? What is the 'supreme force' that is killing you? And are you saying with

and life just seems to be getting happier

that the lives of people around you seem to be happier because you are dying? These things are unclear to me.

Good emotion but could use some polish.
Help me to understand,
Ian

Sing while you may
-The Prophet Qa'sepel

Your pain is for you alone, As it is, As it was, As it will be forever, Amen
-The Prophet Qa'sepel

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

7 posted 2001-11-09 03:34 AM

This was cool. I like the contradiction at the end. Perhaps you should have this poem flow a little more, though. The line-by-line sentences tend to make it a little choppy. On the whole, though, it was a good poem.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

8 posted 2001-11-10 07:59 PM

I haven't been to Dark Passions for awhile. Welcome to Passions.
let you in on a little secret?
when you feel you're dying?
writers get stronger and stronger .....

Kathleen
nickname "Kay"
also wrote as The Lady of Shallot
"be true to yourself"

qtpieelmo
Senior Member

since 2000-07-04

Posts 989
Sesame Street :) hee hee ,NY

9 posted 2001-11-10 09:44 PM

I enjoyed this!!--Welcome to DP!!

--We are all family here!!

LOVE ELMO

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

10 posted 2001-11-10 10:00 PM

Welcome to Passions! Well done, I'm a big fan of free verse... Keep fighting, it's worth it in the end!

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

11 posted 2001-11-11 01:52 AM

Well done, and welcome to passions.

Stay strong; turn to those you trust the most, and always keep searching.

Sincerely,
Titus

"....this time I was mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking." Nickelback

"Old Men Love While Young Men Die" Kipling

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