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| Teen Poetry #4 |
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New here... |
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Raven Skye Member
since 2001-03-03
Posts 112.In a House. 
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Hey gurls and guys. I'm Raven. I'm new here and I just wanted to get some feedback on my poems and to look at everyone elses to get some motivation. I wrote this one for a friend who left his mother in England to come back to the US b/c he missed his other family and friends. Now his mom is laying a total guilt trip on him. I posted this in Teen Explorer and Dopey_Dope told me to come here to get more exposure. So here it goes... Drowning You drown in your existence You can't accept the truth She's gone and there's Nothing you can do Try to smile and Can't even last You friends try so hard But they can't even make you laugh. Your never gonna make it With being so sad So rise above baby And don't be so mad. She's cold hearted and wrong If she can't see... How beautiful you really are Especially to me. Feedback is appreciated good and bad. Thanks guys!! *×´¨`·.×*Raven Skye*×´¨`·.×* There's nothing I want more to take than the only thing that they won't let me take... my life. ~Bel |
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| © Copyright 2001 Raven Skye - All Rights Reserved | |||
DancinQueen
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092Kokomo,IN,USA |
this was good~ especially the end. nice lil sweet twist i guess you could say. excellent, cant wait to see more  *dq ¤Sometimes the hardest thing to get over, is something you never really had¤ |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
This was exceptional. The title was very well thought out, and the format of the poem made it flow wonderfully. And teen explorer? What's that?  Welcome to Passions. You will fit in nicely here. ~Allan Stupidity makes the world go around...and people like us laugh. ~~Elizabeth, to Allan |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
 Welcome to Passions You did a really good job on this first post (well, really it's your second, but it's the same poem). I hope you like it here a stay a while "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" "Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it." BothUnknown [This message has been edited by Lakewalker (edited 03-04-2001).] |
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Elvenblood Member
since 2001-02-17
Posts 409Maine, USA |
Oh I love it! It's absolutely wonderful, because I have a friend (Who you don't know VALERIE), who's really close and has a lot of guy rouble, and I love her, so anway, keep writing, it's wonderful. Don't let these people harrass you about mechanics and proper style though, it's all about expression, do your own thing. "Some men see things as they are and say why. I dream things that never were and say why not." ~RFK |
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Raven Skye Member
since 2001-03-03
Posts 112.In a House. |
Thanks everyone for your comments. I really really really appreciate them!! |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
well it's good to see you followed my advice........but you double posted the same poem in two dif. forums.......that's not alloud. I'm not a moderator or anything, but either the thread here or in the explorer will be closed. I recomend the one in teen explorer be closed due to it having less replies....so yea somebody contact walt...... Good poem though, I enjoyed reading it a second time!!!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
This is really good I see you'll blend in really good thanks for deciding to post here keep em coming "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S. |
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Ree Ree Member
since 2001-06-28
Posts 56providence, RI |
I think that was really good. I'm not sure, but i'm inferring that, this was about a person who loves or cares alot about someone who is hurting. That really hit home. It's a great peom. THanks for sharing. |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!!! for ur first post this was great!i hope 2 c more from u soon!  fall hard, practice harder not to fall |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
i enjoyed the emotions in the poem...and the end was very nice...great job!...bye  im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you? |
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