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Teen Poetry #4
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In Lands Where Death's Beautiful
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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In Lands Where Death's Beautiful |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
This is my experiment to come up with a format of my own. In this case, it's a format which consists of 4 8 syllable lines which rhyme interlockingly, followed by 2 10 syllable lines which rhyme with each other. This poem is a satire of some of the romantic values sometimes held by people wanting to change the world. It's about a guy who intends to change the world, but ends up going insane and killing people in the slums. In lands where death's as beautiful As the coming of the cool night, And oak trees nurse their pitiful Defiance in crystaline light, There came a youth to fight and die for some Old cause now left in graveyards since call'd slums. He took up a shield of virtue, A sword of determination, A heart that is slow to argue And a mind of revelation. Thus arm'd in sweet elation, into these Dead slums he went and fought and kill'd with ease. In righteous anger he fought And killed the orcs and demons; With determination he taught Them well, cursing like a seaman. The cops chased him as demon and orc Escap'd into the hands of lawful work. The people rejoiced when all Was complete and the man was caught Screaming and slaying just for all To see and long for silence sought Only by the fallen and bought fools of Old faiths, now slain by a commercial love. [This message has been edited by fractal007 (edited 02-25-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 fractal007 - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Hey, man... I liked the idea behind this one. I know that I keep bugging you about this, but your lines still drip into one another. In my humble opinion, they should be more seperate. Just my opinion. Mind if I use this format sometime? It is very creative. From one format-builder to another, well done. -Allan The unintelligent are merely tools for the intelligent. That would make my house a veritable toolshed. ~~Allan Riverwood |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Allan: Sure, go ahead and try using it sometime. As far as lines dripping onto one another, lol, that's just my style with this type of poetry. In fact, I tried to make it so that the enjambments were as prolonged as possible. I kinda like doing that, especially when they rhyme. It sorta amplifies[imho at least] the major points of the sentece. However, I think it would be interesting to see what types of different wierd and wonderful creations you can come up with using single line sentences. Anyhow, thankyou for the critiques and compliments. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
what more can i say about your poems that I haven't said yet? You never cease to amaze me at all. "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S. [This message has been edited by acire (edited 02-26-2001).] |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Acire: Thankyou for the compliments. I am glad that I am amazing more people, lol. |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Fractal, indeed you are amazing but this was not my favourite piece from you. It didn't seem to fit right in my head but still, it was written in an interesting format. I'm loving these little experiments you are pulling out. Keep it up. ~AF~ "Love makes us poets and the approach of death should make us philosophers." ~ George Santayana |
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Poet on Acid Member
since 2001-01-07
Posts 325Florida, USA |
Wow man, that was great. A very unique but appropriate form of imagry. As for you message that says your still learning to write poetry, you seem to already know more than most about it. But One thing about writing..you never stop learning. Keep it up! >¶Øʆ< |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Anonymous Female: Thankyou for the compliments. I agree about the things that did not sit well. I reposted this in CA, and actually realized just then that I'd fouled up on my second stanza. The tenses there are wrong, lol. Oh well, at least I learned to proofread even MORE, hehehe. Poet On Acid: Thankyou as well for the compliments. I thinkyou for your compliments on my skill. Yes, we are indeed always learning. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" -- Magus |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Very nicely done. I thought the poem worked quite well. I like the format you invented and urge you to continue using it again. The theme, quite nice......and the whole story in itself was very creative. You DO have a mind my friend......nicely done frac.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
WWWWWOOOOOOOWWWW!!!! Holy ***, that was gooooooooooood very very very intriguing. It captured my attention very well!!! MARVELOUS JOB! JR When life dims to a perish, my life will become a quote in itself... |
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