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Transparent existence (500th post)
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Transparent existence (500th post) |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
OK now this is more 'user friendly' for all the people who thought what I wrote was unacceptable. I actually like this one better after reading it now. Transparent existence A consummate actress, Took to the stage, Sprayed her lines across an audience, Perhaps seeing something that wasn't there. The chairs remained empty, As too did the stage. Alone this actress recited her lines, Played the part correctly. An exhibition of her heart, Portraying scenes from stories gone wrong, Her transparent eyes, Remained dead from within. A homeless beggar, Sat alone in the gutter. Reached out his hand to a passer by, To be rejected with contempt because of his face. His dirty rags spoke a million words, Not to worry about his broken spirit. If he's out here, he's strong, Fitting into the perfect stereotype. This image made by the weaker, The ones who walk the long way around. His transparent eyes, Remained dead from within. A tiny baby, Lay crying in her crib. Tears streaming down her young face, Leaving a line of fresh sadness. She shuddered, Hoping that someone would wrap her up. Instead the air ran through her bones, Freezing her unique body. She cried for something that was unknown, A comfort that did not exist. Her transparent eyes, Remained dead from within. A business man, Sat stressed out on his desk. Sucking down the nicotine, From his freshly lit cigarette. Trembling he answered the phone, That continued to ring in the back. His voice was so different, He didn't recognise the sound it made. The stress built up in tables, Surrounded his metal fortress. His transparent eyes, Remained dead from within. An elderly woman, Hunched up in her bed. Sought refuge in her memories, Instead of her hate filled reality. Singing tunes of long ago, Time were sweeter then. Nausea swept over her body like a ghost, Causing her to forfeit the happiness. Abandoned many years ago, Left in the many realms of time, Her transparent eyes, Remained dead from within. [This message has been edited by anonymousfemale (edited 02-23-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Elizabeth Johnson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Write me right now. Please. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
You're right, this poem is wonderful. You've got good insight into the 'soul' of people. I'd love to see you write more like this. |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
This is a great piece. Your writing style is perfect, and the thoughts you portray are so true for so many people. Thanks for sharing.  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
Awesome, truly amazing. This is going in my library. This poem is just... Great work! Your ending to every verse: "His transparent eyes, Remained dead from within." This made all the difference in the world. Jon "Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
Best poem I think Ive read in Teen #4... talk about a 500th post! This was so carefully and elegantly told and written... bravo!! *takes a stand and applauds* You better reach that 1000 mark JR When life dims to a perish, my life will become a quote in itself... |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
And as I've told you, it's going to be a great submission to the main site.  |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Yeah, this is magnificent. Definitely one of your best. Writing like this, in scenarios for different people, is a great way to expand your own feelings. You like this better than the original? Well I preferred the original one, but this one was more pleasant. You seem to be getting a lot better, if you don't mind my saying so. I see more structure to your poems these days, for me that is a good thing. Keep up the good work. -Allan The unintelligent are merely tools for the intelligent. That would make my house a veritable toolshed. ~~Allan Riverwood |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
BRAVO!!! the imagery is priceless a true expression of feelings talking about Passions in Poetry no constructive criticism here Jeremy seems to love it a lot  BRAVO!!! So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Look at the rave reviews that came along with this poem! Nicely done here. I liked how you described a bit of every little person....the old woman, baby, and so on.....NIcely done!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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Chel Senior Member
since 2000-07-01
Posts 511Baltimore, MD, USA |
Great piece. I enjoyed reading it. Keep up the great work. Chel "True friends stab you in the front" "Never say 'I Love You' unless you mean it" |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
I liked this one, it was really good, as the others have said. Congratulations on 500! "Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker http://www.therainforestsite.com |
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Starr Member
since 2001-02-08
Posts 100 |
This was beatifully written!! Very well written and wording was excellent. You write good keep it up!! Great 500th post!! Love it!!! Every action of our lives touches some chord that will vibrate in eternity. |
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Tears of Glass Member
since 2000-12-04
Posts 182Physically? VA.... Mentally? I'm not quite sure |
Awesome 500th poem! This was absolutely amazing. *Jennifer "My nightmare isn't fearing what I dream... It's waking up, knowing what I'll see." |
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