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anomaly187
Member

since 2000-06-15

Posts 284
San Francisco,CA,US

0 posted 2001-01-29 11:38 PM

Open doors in blood-stained beds,
drowning out your muffled voice.
Open wounds, inside your head,
don't pass out now, it's not your choice.

Running wild through your mind,
manipulate your bodies time.
Don't think of quitting, you'll fall behind,
i made sure, no where to climb.

Buried at the ocean floor,
raped your thoughts and body clean.
Go on, say it, ask for more,
now you're broken, not so keen.

Scream in silence, touch your thirst,
say goodnight my everything.
Loved you tender, until you burst,
this is it, my bloody worst.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2001-01-29 11:54 PM

Anomaly, the ending.......wow.........shear wowness there.
"say goodnight my everything."
that line.......genius......i loved it.
Great job on this one. It's always a pleasure to read your work.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

DragonFang
Senior Member

since 2000-03-09

Posts 522
Missouri, USA

2 posted 2001-01-29 11:55 PM

Nice, don't really know what else to say other than I really enjoyed this (even if I didn't quite get what you were saying with it but then that could just be the modo I'm in)

"Sa souvraya niende missian ye." \
I am lost in my own mind.

Barelybreathing
Junior Member

since 2000-04-26

Posts 46

3 posted 2001-01-30 12:56 PM

Good combination of words...loved the flow..

'The greatest thing in the world is to know how to be one's own.'
~Montaigne~

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

4 posted 2001-01-30 01:18 PM

Very nicely done. The last stanza made me itch... which i don't do often.
Be proud.
-Allan

Would you really want everything that you thrive for, if you could never appreciate it?

jeremydraul
Senior Member

since 2000-08-01

Posts 1118
State of Despair

5 posted 2001-01-30 04:02 PM

indeed the focal pint I had was the last stanza, it was so powerful:
"Scream in silence, touch your thirst,
say goodnight my everything.
Loved you tender, until you burst,
this is it, my bloody worst."
wow wow, i love your work!

~JDR

"I am two minded. I have two sides of thinking."

DreadedLiver
Member

since 2001-01-23

Posts 56
Alter, Ego

6 posted 2001-01-30 04:04 PM

i love haunting poems, the ones that make me shiver in suspense
your poetry makes my adrenaline pump!

-Knightfellow

""I am two minded. I have two sides of thinking."

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

7 posted 2001-01-30 04:21 PM

This one's great!

That last stanza was awesome, in the climactic use of rhyme.  You used the three rhyming lines rather dramatically, instead of going with the regular ABAB form that was throughout the rest of the poem's stanzas.

The poem creates a rather mecabre air, concerning the individual and his/her relation to the rest of the world.  Good work here.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

8 posted 2001-01-30 08:13 PM

exquisite, fierce, transcending, fastidious

I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR

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