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Heavenly Mistake
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Heavenly Mistake |
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holatuwol Member
since 2001-04-27
Posts 72California, USA |
This is an extremely long poem which I very much dislike... but other than the length problem, I can't seem to figure out what else is bugging me about it. ^_^ Maybe it'll be of interest to some of you... and I'd appreciate the feedback. Nowhere near my better works in terms of quality... it just sucks... but how? I still only think length... but I have this second sense that it's something more. Help would be appreciated. - holatuwol **************************************** Heavenly Mistakes June 16, 2001 One day, which seems like so long ago... (perhaps it was?) A man I barely knew was named king of the realm... In silence, I witnessed the magnificent coronation ceremony Where a jeweled crown was used to replace the warrior's helm. Fruits were brought forth from the depths of the kingdom To celebrate the occasion... which happened on that day. It seemed almost mystical the way everyone had celebrated it... Watching almost hypnotised by the ceremony... enticed in every way. From simple warrior, promoted to lord of the land, I, perhaps alone, wondered how it is that this event came to pass... Can I person hardly known, not even of noble blood Become one to have such power...? And how long is it meant to last? I still wonder about that single, lonely, solitary day, Where the Gods made their decision to name this man a king... And the decision that they made seemed to matter so much... But to me? Did it matter? It didn't seem to matter a thing... But I have to admit, I did not believe in this king, Did not believe he had the power... the strength to survive. He was named by one decision... not some kind of democratic vote... So how long would it be before an assassination rendered him unalive? Dare you assassinate a king chosen by the Gods? That's what the religiously fervent sometimes told to me... But I myself, a follower of the ancient Gods, Questioned if they had made a mistake... and if so, should I let it be? I myself am I commoner... but not thus converted Still wearing the robes of an ordinary wanderer... a common man. This makes any judgment that I make somehow seem questionable My voice muted by the masses... cheering for what seems to be the God's plan. I suppose at that point, thus silenced, I was indifferent Not caring either way... not caring whether or not this was wrong. It happened back when I was naive... just passing by each day, Trying to enjoy what I have of my life... for life is short, not long. I had dreams of perhaps one day finding a quiet home Deep in the Outlands, far away from the world thus created... And I could pretend that none of it ever happened... I would be happy, wouldn't I? Without worries... I'd be elated. Perhaps I would have been content to stay that way, But times change... and with those times, people do, as well... And now, after watching this scenario unfold for so many months I finally have a story which might be interesting to tell. People didn't seem to object to it all that much, And just cheered for him, and celebrated his rise... Perhaps that was the reason for the deterioration of the realm, And what may one day lead to its inevitable demise. Like almost any man who suddenly inherits tremendous power, This king was corrupted... and abused it... to somehow benefit and gain. What would you want...? Wine, blood... the strongest weapons of the land, And he used the warriors at his side to, these treasures, attain. No one really minded this thirst he had for power... After all, he was a warrior; such a search wasn't rare. He was just like most of all the other beginning adventurers... Just seeking out the treasures... about the adventures, you do not care. But people suddenly stopped believing in him Once he struck against that which they held dear... He demanded every girl, unmarried or not, to submit to him... And distanced everyone's hearts, no longer to hold them near. And an attempt was made to overthrow the king... He was killed in a duel, which lasted for only a moment, I believe... And the people attempted to elect a brand new ruler for the realm, One which the people knew and would easily receive. But the Gods called down their wrath on those involved in the coup, And all the rebelling warriors began to fall... one by one. The old court magicians and sorcers began to emerge from the shadows And slayed all those who were involved, as the bloodshed blackened out the sun. And once it died down, the king had somehow been magically revived, As if he were never killed... as if everything had been just dreams. But still, the Sorcerer's War continued throughout the land, And the blood of all humanity tainted the rivers... the fresh-water streams. Others were imprisoned in the prisons of the Holy Town, Sealed away for their belief that what the king was doing was unfair... Abandoned there, left to starve away and just die, Such was how much the king believed in his subjects... he simply did not care. Bring him wine! Bring him women! Bring him songs to last the night... If someone dares to challenge him to a duel, Bring out the strongest warriors, and let them, in his stead, fight! But the strongest warriors could not be around all of the time, And on occasion they left on adventures of their own... And the king was then, on occasion, beaten in battle, Forced to rush off to hide in his cold, lonely palace of stone. Escaped and tormented, and seeking out revenge, When the sorcerers returned, they, sent out to destroy... And he demanded the wives of some of the strongest in the realm, To have his own night of pleasure... to have his own little personal sensual toy. And rebellion seemed almost constantly occurring, As I watched it all unfold, with almost indifferent eyes... Listening to the late night whispers, midnight shadows, And wondering what they were saying... and were those words truth or lies? The king came to me... actually... alone, one day. And asked me to bless him... and give him strength in his battle. Looking at him, with passive indifferent eyes, I muttered to myself if I should offer this childish king a rattle... And I spoke it in a tongue which he could not understand And he called it "jibberish"... that is what I remembered he had said. The words that I'd grown up with... the language I loved more than everything, I looked at him passively, wondering what royalty looked like when they bled. I continued to talk to him in this language, long forgotten, And he continued to call it "jibberish"... and threatened to kill me, right there. I told him in my native tongue, to learn it before he asked again... And just ignored him for awhile... pretending... no wait, really not intending to care. And then he proceeded to play his little game of seduction, To find a shapely girl which was somewhere nearby... He was quite blunt... beginning with insults and the like... Causing the girl to grow angry... but too strong, in her own way, to cry. I blinked slowly at the events that were unfolding, And decided that it would be best to leave it all behind... For I had some thoughts, from seeing this scenario unfold time and time again... How much longer should I pretend to be totally blind? Every night before this I thought of what I should do... But now, thoughts pass by quickly, and race through my heart... So the dreams come more swiftly, and the images reform Of everything that's happened... since the reign of terror began... had its start. People slain at his command in the coldest blood... This was a king demanding submission from all. Even from those who were not born of this land... And from those three times his size... and four times as tall. Forcing all magicians to grant him their powers, And all the healers and priests, their blessings, to him, give... Search out the gift to immortality, of eternal life... So that his wondrous reign... could forever live. And now the stars begin to align and tell me a story Of a mistake long ago that the Gods had made... Gazing deep into the starlight, deep into the moonlight, The indifference I once had begins to fade... The story speaks of a time where the Gods waged a war Against each other... in a contest of immense power, strength... The battle drew out, to almost a millennium of time... And the people of the world, endured it at great length. And the forces of nature emerged to contest the Gods, To protect that which she had long ago created, brought to being... But nature itself was rejected by the nearly-enraged Gods, And a battle ensued in an ethereal realm, beyond mortal seeing. And nature itself was nearly destroyed... Forced to escape to an island and seal herself away... And the Gods right then had finally realized their mistake But could do nothing to bring back nature... and so hidden she remains this very day. And the Gods recreated the world with their own powers... But it wasn't quite as wonderful as nature had once had it be... But there was nothing that they could do to undo the damage to nature, For there was no way to convince her to once again be free. If the Gods somehow had chosen some mighty king Which then somehow proceeded to destroy the entire realm... Remembering the mistake of nature... perhaps they were unable To replace the new king's crown with an ordinary warrior's helm. And perhaps it is in the hands of nature alone To somehow break herself free from the prison she had made... And perhaps it is humanity's duty to end the tyranny So the realm the Gods created does not have to fade. And I have sworn to myself, since that very day that thought arrived That I would kill the corrupted king one day, with my very own hands... For the gods have once again, made a very grave mistake, I believe, To choose this man, Lydan... as the ruler of our lands. |
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| © Copyright 2001 MinhChau Dang - All Rights Reserved | |||
anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
wow!...Mc...i really think that you have talent for narrative poems  ...i havent seen anyone write like this...ok?...on the poem though...i think in some parts were similarly repeated somewhat...but it was ok ...and what i found lovely in this poem was that...while i was reading this poem...it felted like i was in there watching everything happen before my eyes...amazing imagination you have ...it made it more intriguing to me for a book i am reading right now...taht concerns princes ...i turly enjoyed this piece...thansk for sharing another awesomepoem ...bye Mc  im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you? |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
awwwww Mc! i cant belive u wrote about this. have u written nething else in regards to the realm? if so then i wanna read it *poke* :P newayz! i love this. the way u tied in the story of the unicorns with lydan and teryst ...ooo twas just great. i think for real u should let the imms c this. and that could be the story line they use...if they do nething that at all that is. *grumbles* newayz! this is just awesome, u told the story very well. the imagery and the story line was great. idk maybe i like it alot cuz i know wuts goin on with it. but i agree with albert up there *points* u do write very well in this form. i liked the flow of it, and the breaks in it. loved the story line of course and the imagination u used to link the 2 things together! so hmm i think i covered it all (is talkin to viel and switchin back and forth so might have repeated herself) *hugs* love this Mc. thanks for the read! tiff  “A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.” |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
This was long.......but very good. I enjoyed the read. Regina If you only understood my pain then maybe you could learn to be my friend. Be there. My crying shoulder. The smiles. And the caring i need to survive. |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Min, the sensible one...Min, the thinker, the onlooker, the healer...and still, a fighter....wise, too wise, perhaps, concerning the ways of the realm...Corruption isn't a beautiful thing...but you've made the story seem so. I enjoyed it...immensely...I don't think others will appreciate it as much as 'we' do.....Until next we meet... ~Carly "Go outside and use your own eyes. You'll be surprised to see things you've never been taught..." |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
First off....woah....very long! Ok and now I'm reading it and the poem seems interesting so far. (I reply as I read) I really thought this was kind of funny/intrigueing "So how long would it be before an assassination rendered him unalive?". I have never heard of being "unalive". I liked it very much. Seems to be about this guy who became a king. While everybody is rejoicing the character seems to be questioning WHY this guy was picked. Ok now I see that the "king" got greedy and the people realized this. Oh and now he's dead. Well he kind of died rather quickly didn't he? Maybe that's something that could be a flaw in this. You just say the king died in a duel rather quickly and that's it.....nothing else. That portion of the poem might lack some punch. Oh wait but now he's magically revived by sorcerors and the like and they've waged a battle on the people. Hmmmmmm....the plot thickens! This king seems to be a nympho. Always obsessed with having sex with women even if they're taken. He also disses on Latin (the forgotten language if I am correct). Ok finished with the poem. It totally talks about a BALANCE between the God's and nature.....maybe a balance between faith and reality. Anyhow, the character pledges he'd kill the king and restore nature. A good little prelude of a nice adventure poem. It'd be cool to see a follow up on this poem, but let me tell you that the ending is very weak. This wasn't even close to your other poem. You lacked some punch in this one. Your story telling skills are amazingly great and I loved how you did this, but at some points within the poem you move too quickly from one thing to another without some sort of transition piece. Otherwise, this poem rocked and I enjoyed it very much. I really hope to see more, if anything a poem to follow up this one   I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Marshalzu 
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Wow... this took me some time to read and well I was very impressed, the depth you go into is great and I absoloutely enjoyed reading it. Zu |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
wow...i don't think i've ever seen anything quite like this. you did an AWESOME job telling a story thru your poem. thanks for the read! -fear- "I know the pieces fit cause i watched them fall away"--TooL |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Never read anything about the realm (is that what it is?) before. But either way, I am impressed. I think this is the first I've read of yours. Yes, it's long, but most narrative poems are. There's nothing to dislike.The great thing here is the way you can keep people reading for more, and how you keep it interesting. Even more, you have rhyming in it! Great stuff. You have a way with words...like dopey said about the "unalive" bit. Never heard of it, but it was effective.  Hope to read more from you! -Leah |
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obscurity of cloud Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 294....:::::******:::::.... |
WHAT AN EPIC!! This has so much promise. I think you should keep manipulating the lines until you're pleased, but i see a lot of work and a great result! There is some repetitiveness, but i think you've got a great poem here. "so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost |
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