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Sonnet Attempt
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Sonnet Attempt |
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Raven Skye Member
since 2001-03-03
Posts 112.In a House. 
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So I wrote this yesterday because for English my teacher would like us to attempt to write a sonnet. Feedback is appreciated... Here's my attempt: To my dear rearview mirror what's hanging, Detached from this world, this car, this heart. Just... Hanging. World weary. Still born and flat black On that thin, green, wire umbilical chord. Haunting my early morning ride through town. It hangs, dangles, swoops about, if not taped down. But alas, poor looking glass, now somberly You cling. A celluliod barnacle stuck So feebly, gingerly, at my side. It is in my heart to restore you, dear, To that majestic spot you held so well, And we may ride in splender together Passing away those few last days with you, On roads of black and under skies of blue. *×´¨`·.×*Raven Skye*×´¨`·.×* |
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| © Copyright 2001 Raven Skye - All Rights Reserved | |||
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
This was great! I can't comment on the format cuz I have no idea how to write a Sonnet, but I thought this was very well written. I liked it!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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the_rescue Member
since 2001-05-23
Posts 316Japan |
That was a lot better than I could ever do man good write, I don't think I could even do a sonnet  The Rescue  in the silence of the night I hear angels voices singing your name oh how beautiful is your name as they sing over and over. (SPOKEN) |
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Raven Skye Member
since 2001-03-03
Posts 112.In a House. |
hehe, I don't even know if the format is right!! Hey but I gave it my best shot!! *×´¨`·.×*Raven Skye*×´¨`·.×* |
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fozzyozzy Member
since 2001-03-15
Posts 336Lessburg Virginia |
One of these days, I'm gonna attempt a Sonnet. I think you came pretty close. good job SeanD. "This is cactus land!!!"-T.S.Eliot |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
hey! this poem was cool. can't comment on the sonnet part tho because i have no idea how to write one. interesting poem, thanks 4 the read. :-) -fear- |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
I'm gonna get harsh here, so please forgive me. I know I'm not perfect either, but... This was a good poem. The content was fine. However: Sonnets are in iambic pentameter. This was not. Iambic is when you have lines that have one unstressed syllable followed by one stressed syllable. There are five pairs, or feet of unstressed then stressed syllables, hence the name iambic pentameter. Like this: "The darken'd fleeting image plagues my mind." Now iambic pentameter is difficult at first.. Heck, it's often hard for me to do at times now. But I would try writing your poem so that it has ten syllable lines. Secondly, a sonnet has a rhyme scheme. This had very little in the way of rhyming. I've forgotten all the differente sonnet types as far as rhyming is concerned, but I use the following most of the time: ABAB CDCD EFEF GG I think that's similar to the form that Shakespeare used. Hope this helps. Try and apply some of those points to it. If u have time. Good luck. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
This is a beautiful piece. I love the subject matter and content, but please see the above reply for advice on how sonnets are written. I'm starting out with sonnets also, and if you want to contact me for some advice, including info on formats other than Shakespearean, that's fine. Thanks for sharing.  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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