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knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

0 posted 2001-05-30 03:13 AM

hmm i think i might add on to this and change a few things..not happy with the ending and it as a whole, but there it is so feel free to give ur input.

you tell a song
of magical wonders
it floats in the air
as it escapes your lips

riding on the wind
to the ends of the earth
it spread to the heavens
and reached my ears

only but a whisper
as it slowly sinks in
a story of enchantment
not fit for mere mortals

it touched all hearts
as it flew by their ears
the song you told
that reached the heavens

“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

Just leave me alone and give me some space.

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

1 posted 2001-05-30 03:22 AM

i have to ( reluctantly ) agree with you on the ending...but its off to a good start..im sorry tiff but im hopeless at poetry so i wouldnt know where to help you...but its going great...so i cant wait till youre finished with it..

"Life is not long and boring,
it's short and compelling." -Javier Agosto-

stace_co2003
Member

since 2001-03-30

Posts 497
In a dream world

2 posted 2001-05-30 01:05 PM

hmm...I liked this, but keep working with it until you like it. the end could be fixed...but I dunno right now how exactly...
Stace

I'm just glad that now this rainstorm has ended, and I can see the rainbow once again.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2001-05-31 01:40 AM

I loved this one. You did well on it tiff!
keep these coming!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

4 posted 2001-05-31 01:43 AM

i liked th imagery in this poem...quite beautiful

...i reallly liked it tiff...bye

i'm addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

5 posted 2001-06-01 01:43 PM

I think the ending is fine but perhaps the beginning needs a bit of revision. It seems very weak in comparison to the rest of the piece.

Other than that, it was really well written. Good job.

~AF~

Just because I hear voices doesn't mean I'm crazy...SHUT UP IN THERE!!!

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

6 posted 2001-06-03 02:23 AM

Beautifully written...nice job

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