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chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

0 posted 2001-05-24 10:32 PM

Ok, this isn't my greatest poem ever, but there's gotta be a way to make this better...

I walk
In the hallway
So empty
So dark
I see no way out.
I scream, I cry
But no one walks by
To save me from this haunting place...
But the
echo
echo
echo
echo
echo

Speaks to me
Surrounds me
In the oblivion.

"If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that i was made for another world."
-C.S.Lewis

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-05-25 01:21 AM

it was ok...the way it is...maybe try using deeper imagery...and put some more emotion to your words...and i think it will become powerful...thanks for the read. tho good luck on the revise..

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 05-25-2001).]

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

2 posted 2001-05-25 03:43 AM

If you branched off on a couple of lines it might make it a deeper piece. It has quite alot of potential.

~AF~

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
~ Unknown ~

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2001-05-25 04:40 AM

VERY well done but if you take Anon. female's advice it could turn into a masterpiece........I liked it though.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

IsGona
Senior Member

since 2000-07-14

Posts 723

4 posted 2001-05-25 06:51 AM

Yes I agree with AF and Dopes. But this poem has a great general idea behind it. I really enjoyed it.

'Every body has their destiny...
I'LL CHOOSE MY OWN'
<i>~Hatebreed~</i>

zarina
Member

since 2001-05-19

Posts 180

5 posted 2001-05-25 07:00 AM

good poem. I liked it

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

6 posted 2001-05-25 07:20 AM

yep!!..i agree with all the peeps above!!..both the anonymouse ppl and dopess and isgona...i like where its headed already though...im sure the finished copy will be great leah!!

"Life is not long and boring,
it's short and compelling." -Javier Agosto-

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