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Tears in the Snow
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Tears in the Snow |
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DarkSilver Junior Member
since 2001-05-21
Posts 33Six O'clock High! |
Tears in the Snow When She walks by. It makes me want to sigh. I’m living a lie! I wish I could die! Why, o Why, Does She make me cry? If She kissed me I think I could fly. For her love death I would defy. Oh, what I’d do for just one kiss! Can you explain this? Is it right or is it wrong? This is my song. This is my hope. In the darkness I grope, Dreaming my dreams. Is it what it seems? I wish I was cool. But I’m just a fool. She could change me with just one touch. I guess that’s why she means so much. Why can’t she see, What she means to me? Or maybe she does and she doesn’t care, To her I mean less than a strand of hair. I just don’t understand. Some answers I demand. But they don’t come and I must go. So I walk off leaving tears in the snow. Geo. W. Pine [This message has been edited by DarkSilver (edited 05-23-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Geo. W. Pine - All Rights Reserved | |||
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the_rescue Member
since 2001-05-23
Posts 316Japan |
dude that was tight man, I know how that one goes. Nice Poem The Rescue |
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TearsOfPearls Member
since 1999-09-23
Posts 322Vereeniging, South-Africa |
Hey, perhaps you should tell this person exactly what you feel, give her the poem...talking about the poem, great work man, nice flow....welcome to passions, hope to read more...  Planning big can be a gamble...I have already rolled the dice! |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
Welcome! this is great...please check your email for a special greeting! SEA |
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DarkSilver Junior Member
since 2001-05-21
Posts 33Six O'clock High! |
thanx but this girl hates me like nothing else on earth she's um not one to forget about how i treated her before I liked her. It doesn't matter who you are only who you serve. - Draken O'Larn, the Starwarrior Saga |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
I liked how you wrote this. It was fast-paced and stuff in the beginning...then slowly....fading into deeper and remorseful words. Good luck...and Welcome. Oh and...in your critique message? Cussin' isn't allowed, so no worries. ~Carly "I'll take in anyone who's taking off their camouflage..." ~Third Eye Blind~Camouflage |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
awesome job on writing this...very powerful and emotional...i enjoyed every verse...the flow worked well the way u wrote it...everything was nice...well done and hope to see more...also welcome to passions!!...  ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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zarina Member
since 2001-05-19
Posts 180 |
Very good poem I liked the way you rhymed.. |
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LCsftball16 Junior Member
since 2001-05-17
Posts 39 |
loved ur poem! hope to read more! |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Heya Geo! Finally, you posted something... I really liked the last part, about leaving tears in the snow. It's...different. Liked your rhyming too. Great first post! Hope to see more...don't make me come after you...  ¤£ë@h¤ |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Well done here. I liked this poem a lot and welcome to Passions!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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lonely*soul Member
since 2001-04-05
Posts 396east haddam (moodus) ct :) |
welcome to passions, good to see new ppl! come clean with her tell her u like her...but it sounds like u were really mean to her b4 this, so i think ya gots a dilema |
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Terryloveiris_85 Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 61The middle of nowhere |
welcome 2 passions this was a great poem, i really enjoyed it.~IRIS i'd give eternity to be by your side-goo goo dolls/City of Angels soundtrack |
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Meggie1986 Junior Member
since 2001-05-22
Posts 41California |
Welcome! Fanstastic first post, I can't wait to see more of your work! |
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corey14 Member
since 2001-05-23
Posts 89Boston, Mass, U.S.A. |
that was a good poem |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
FLowed nicely and was very well written....good job |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
Welcome to Passions!! great first poest, this flowed evry nicely. i liked this, i hope to read lots more from you in the future keep posting your work.Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
First off, welcome to passions in poetry! I know you're going to like it here Second, since yo have a critique flag up, I am going to give you a few pointers. Overall, the poem flowed well. However, in the first and second stanza the rhyme scheme is A-A-A-A. But, in the following stanzas, the rhyme scheme is B-B-C-C. The poem would maybe flow much better if the same rhyme scheme was used throughout the poem. I did enjoy this, though, and I'm lookind forward to reading more. Thanks for sharing. And, again, Welcome to pipTalk! --Marie "You're the girl of my nightmares, erotic and skull-faced. |
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