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Teen Poetry #4
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Free Flowing (very interesting)
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Free Flowing (very interesting) |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico 
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NOTE: The reason I say this is very interesting is because it is! This is my latest poem. I NEVER post my latest work. I usually post a poem 5 months after it was written. I wrote this today....and what's even more interesting about this is that it's a collaboration! When do I do collaborations?! Yes, well it's a collaboration with a 6 year old girl. Who better, huh? So innocent, so little, so knows nothing about poetry! Perfect! The bold is what she contributed....  Free Flowing: I was walking the plains of hilltop desire Next to a man with big shirt sorrow and dirty pants. We stumbled upon a naked woman and her dog. Her voice of truth bathed us in light, And we couldn't help but hit her in the face. This truth was lie, and this light was dark And nothing from that point on mattered Because blood runs clotted to those in doubt, And people laugh when they can't help it. It's all over and this journey never even started. We went to our homes displeased with life and love. I took a shower and then ate some dinner. Slowly I got tired, and went to sleep and then I had a dream. I dreamt of a dirty dog with the quirks of a man. Blood covered his paws and he couldn't help it. Just like I couldn't help my doubt of life. I couldn't live like this, like the dog. I woke up and saw the woman.This time with clothes on. She smiled softly and hit me in the face. The lie was true, and the dark was light And I died a peaceful death, with my blood running free.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Pepe de la Muerte - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
So who's this 6 year old genius that helped you write this? Her parts were the best  The poem was good, maybe a little too deep for my mind right now, so I'll save it for later. Good job on what I got from it right now though! And it's awesome to be able to see a fresh one Dopey, thanks for posting it."Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato. |
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Suga_Baby Member
since 2000-08-06
Posts 380Maine, USA |
This is VERY interesting! *LMAO* haha my compliments to you and the girl   ,Sara "A dream is a wish your heart makes while you are fast asleep." |
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DarkAngelOfTheStars Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 255 |
very cute but what was up with naked people, dirty things, and blood? lol it was cute Dont knock on deaths door ...... ring the bell and run......he hates that |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
It's been awhile since I've been privileged enough to read your poetry. And as always- you never fail to amaze me- this time by working with a 6 year old. Little kids always have the best thoughts and ideas. You've made yet another great work, Javier. Now- as always- explain. =) |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
this is VERY interesting dopes, i really enjoyed reading this. this one needs to be saved for further reflection, i couldn't quite take it all in at first. awesome job, keep posting your work. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
Very........uh........ interesting.  |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Let me guess... you wrote the stuff in bold and the 6 year old wrote the rest! Seriously, this is a great piece. Very deep and thought provoking... what a poem should be. Very good work, and thanks for giving it to us right away!  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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lonely*soul Member
since 2001-04-05
Posts 396east haddam (moodus) ct :) |
hehe naked women??? ahhhhhhhh |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
AHHHHH!!! NAKED WOMAN! DON'T HIT ME! *ducks* where? |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Now, I appreciate all the replies from everybody....however, this is a very important piece and that is why I posted this up. It seems people take this as a joke....the naked woman, the dirty dog...yes, brought up by a 6yr old....but the way it was written, and the idea to bring in such an innocent child to aid me in writing such a complex poem was not to be funny. In fact, sure some things here are a bit amusing, but as a whole this should be viewed upon as a serious piece of writing. It means something folks, it's not a jumble of words that says "naked woman he ha ho laugh laugh"....no no....serious replies please.... |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Ok I'm laughing my little booty off here. But you want serious, so I had to read it again... This seriously rocks. The girl's awesome..and so are you! The way it tied together was kickin..I had to think and analyze and all that good crap..good good thing....well thanks for letting us read this.~Carly "I'll take in anyone who's taking off their camouflage..." ~Third Eye Blind~Camouflage |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Now I liked this a lot. And that's not my 6 year old talking This is excellent though, how you took those thoughts from the little girl and wove your own thoughts around them was an awesome idea. The dirty dog and dirty woman make wonderful symbols. I especially like the juxtaposition in the line "This truth was lie, and this light was dark" "There's nowhere to set my aim |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
yess! naked women  ...haha...but hurrayy...dopey!! u say a collaboration w/ a recent poem...(this cant be?  )...well still in disbelief i finished the poem...i thought it was very interesting in a mind of a 6 yeraold and her thoughts with your veiwpoints combined and came to this...i enjoyed it a lot and very creative of u javi...adios bonita!...  ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
ok...one question...was it you that prompted her to say "blood"?..or did she think of it on her own...cuz the implications that she has on "blood" is not the same as what you percive "blood" to be javier..i think that thats wrong..  ..i know its a collaboration ...but i dont think that you should construe meaning from sumthing that an innoccent has said based on your own experiences....do you see what i mean?...blah blah..i liked the poem tho...strange to say..it does make a bit of sense. keep posting. [This message has been edited by cherish (edited 05-20-2001).] |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Hmmm...I'm trying to get my head around this. I pretty much got the entire message in it. The ending was very strong which is why I think (even though it is a collab with a 6 year old) it is one of your better pieces. I really enjoyed this, Dopes. Thank you for such an outstanding read. This is one of those pieces I won't forget. By the way, have you thought of therapy for that 6 year old? It can't be healthy for a child to be thinking such thoughts like that. ~AF~ Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed. |
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SEA
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
Dopey...you are wild..... |
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Low Man's Lyric Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 236In a dream |
This was great!!!! No awesome!! Kids are so innocent, sometimes I wish I was a kid again... Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend." |
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Elusive^ Junior Member
since 2001-05-13
Posts 18dancing fairy land |
wow..one of the most thought-provoking poems i've read here.. young children often think very profound things..but I don't think they dwell on it as much..was this spontaneous? 'cause that works effectively.. say to your 6 year old collaborator..to keep writing, anything..and keep the ideas flowing..OK? ''I'll TAKE a QUIET life..a HANDSHAKE of CARBON monoxide with NO alarms AND no SURPRISES..'' |
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DancinQueen
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092Kokomo,IN,USA |
wonderful javi~ get 'em started young **You can't always trust the people you want to** |
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thedarkangel Member
since 2001-05-12
Posts 74~*~the cutest~*~ |
damn! i wish my 6 year old cousin could help me write stuff like that! great job!!! love peace and eyeliner angel -x- tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial for what it's worth it was worth all the while - Green Day |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
It was a tricky task to get this girl to comprehend what I was doing. So I explained it on various occasions...even during the process. I wanted it to be spontaneous like Elusive asked....yep....and it was. I had to keep her mouth shut until I needed something. Sometimes I'd just stay silent and not write and she'd be like "and this time with clothes on"...but I read everything alloud to her 20 times to let her know what we had up till that point....so she knew where the story was going. It was a very interesting and fun project. I really need to do it again. I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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obscurity of cloud Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 294....:::::******:::::.... |
This was incredible. I never even considered not taking you seriously. I am the biggest supporter in the world of what children can contribute and the effect of their innocence. I think you really hit something with this. I'm stupified. "so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
I'm glad you told me about this or else I probably would have missed it. As you know, I haven't been here in a long time and this is probably just a short visit. This poem is one of those poems that you read and think, "Now this is not something I see often. In fact, almost never." because it's just that amazing. I guess in a sense it was supposed to be humorous (I only read about 3 or 4 replies at the top and I gathered that from them.), but I didn't really take it that way. Yeah I know, I'm a party pooper. The meaning behind it all is just striking... I love it. "...if you want love you must be love.." Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins [This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (edited 05-21-2001).] |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
I just read somebody's reply up there... I forget who's it was and I just thought I'd add as my own opinion... Little kids know what blood is and such. I have 3 year olds that I watch for an hour and a half on Sundays and they all know what that stuff is. Sometimes we even sit and talk about our "boo-boos" and how we got them. For some reason it's just very interesting to them. I don't think the word "blood" was used wrongly.... I think it fits perfectly into this poem. She may not have known it's deeper meaning that Javier used but she knows where blood comes from and how it happens. So in a sense..I think it mixed well. I don't know...I'm just rambling. (As always...haha) "...if you want love you must be love.." Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins [This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (edited 05-21-2001).] |
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DarkAngelOfTheStars Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 255 |
oops im sorry  i thought the poem was very well written and very creative.....its cool to see how little kids thinkDont knock on deaths door ...... ring the bell and run......he hates that [This message has been edited by DarkAngelOfTheStars (edited 05-21-2001).] |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Thank you everybody for the replies |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
This is amazing....from a childs mind come many truths...and to blend them with your own...what a wonderful acheivement |
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stace_co2003 Member
since 2001-03-30
Posts 497In a dream world |
awwwwww, how cute is that?? I want that 6 year olds phone number...maybe she can help me write better. lol  Stace I'm just glad that now this rainstorm has ended, and I can see the rainbow once again. |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
This was amazing......this 6 yr old 's words helped form this piece......congrats to both of you!!! Regina definite library piece "Take a look at my face, there's no price I won't pay |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
forgot to press the button "Take a look at my face, there's no price I won't pay |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
Dopey, this was amazing! What an idea, a collaboration with a 6 year old. It was deep,dark and odd-just the way I like 'em. Excellent job! Jon "Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Thanks guys!!!! Thanks ina! And paula! And everybody... oh and keoni, glad you liked....i'm always happen when you like a piece of mine I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Hurray for Dopey and his new poem... at that a collaberation... great stuff Dopey... a very interesting experiment and a good read... Zu |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
i confess i didn't understand the poem but i thought it was wonderful of you to encourage a 6 year old to share her thoughts and to pen down such thoughts in all eternity... the lines that Dusk Treader highlighted were my favourite...made me go Awwww.... |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa |
sometimes people laugh when they cant help it....that is intense from a 6 year old...im in awe |
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Alyssa
since 2001-05-30
Posts 385IM ENGAGED!!!!! |
okay this is the 3rd time i have tried to type this because i keep hittng backspace an dit, well, takes me BACK!!! Okay this piece was good. Real good! Im not joking. No cracks about the nakedness...i see it as the innocense it is. If you have any other new material you might wanna "get checked" before the world reads it you could email me! thanks for posting the poem  it was good! thanks again± Ålyssa ± |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
ok..thank me too... ...i got you on my signiture thing down there!!.. 
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Yes kevin, that is my fav line too. I loved it. And cherish thank you hehe Allysa, thanks! To all......thanks! |
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Angelwings Member
since 1999-08-27
Posts 222IL, USA |
I came across this post and I felt the need to reply. I thought it was a wonderful idea to collaborate with a young child. The poem turned out wonderfully. However, I do feel the need to ask if you found it nearly as disturbing the things that she put into the poem. Blood, violence, etc. Although she inserted these things also was the normal I went to bed, showered, etc. I felt like it was kinda ironic i guess. It showed both the innocence of a young child but also it really showed how much the children of this generation are growing up so quickly. For a child so young to present such grown up ideas. It's shocking. It was brillant to work with her. I am very glad that you shared it and well I wanted to let you know that your poem made me really sit back and think about it. Thank you *that what does not kill us makes us stronger!* *Everyone can deal with pain in their own way, some things are just harder than others!* [This message has been edited by Angelwings (edited 06-11-2001).] |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I'm glad you liked my idea to collaborate with this child. I was a bit startled when she said BLOOD, but I felt it was perfect for the poem. She constantly shocked me with her little tid-bits of lines or line fragments to put within the poem. I feel it's inevitable that the kids of this age and the future will grow up faster than those in the past. Grow up in the sense of being exposed to violence and the sort. Think about it.....isn't it sick that when you see a child starving, or a man die from an explosion we can only watch....some of us aren't even grossed out or feel a sense of CARE anymore......it's just horrible, but that's the world today. This child really opened my eyes a LOT with this simple, yet complex poem and I hope to collaborate with more children in the future. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment Angel |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
~*stands up and applauds*~ you've always been a very talented writer seems like this supposed child has helped you grow more keep sharing hi Sweets, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Maree, Mic |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
This is a very awesome piece of poetry, Javi. It's very impressive that a 6-year-old girl can write something like this. There's a lot behind this poem, and I understand that. I'm going to save this one in my library for further reflection later. It's amazing to me that you can get a 6-year-old child to write this with you. How did you explain this process to her and did she understand exactly what it is that she wrote? I'm curious how you did that. Very nice work, nonetheless. I enjoyed the read. Well done. --Marie "You're the girl of my nightmares. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I explained it very well. I read everything that we had up till the point like 10 times each....6yr olds are smart....it was like a story to her and she was just contributing to it. |
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