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Teen Poetry #4
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Wisps of Wind (villanelle)
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Wisps of Wind (villanelle) |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg 
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I frolicked as the fluid in me thinned my fingers, through the silken fields of grey and children rode the narrow wisps of wind My locks of filth, so delicately spinned and braided thick as flower stems of May I frolicked as the fluid in me thinned For having known the truth, and having sinned my destiny was chose within the day and children rode the narrow wisps of wind The sunset dipped above me as I grinned I had no need for sunshine anyway I frolicked as the fluid in me thinned Too many, held by gravity, were pinned the few that were decieved could drift away and children rode the narrow wisps of wind The thinkers then were tortured, maimed and skinned and cast within the void, condemned to stay I frolicked as the fluid in me thinned and children rode the narrow wisps of wind |
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| © Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved | |||
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HeAvEnS AnGeL Member
since 2001-05-17
Posts 168The Hot Girl From Canada |
I loved it this format works very well for you use it more often hugz and kisses |
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HeAvEnS AnGeL Member
since 2001-05-17
Posts 168The Hot Girl From Canada |
I loved it this format works very well for you use it more often hugz and kisses |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
amazing allan. you always seem to out do yourself. each one better then the other. but all of them wonderful. i liked this very much. you have a wonderful talent  u still owe me one btw! lols *hugs* loves ya muchs darn it she snuck in and posted on me while i was typins! *wanted to be the first ones* :P lols tiff  “A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.” "You say i only hear what i want too..." [This message has been edited by knightlyshadows (edited 05-18-2001).] |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
great poem...this is awesome writing...beautiful job and enjoyed the read...as always...keep writing allan  if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
The fifth stanza in this great villanelle really caught my attention. The imagery was so amazing that I started seeing 'The Wizard of Oz'. It sounds unhealthy but it's a good thing. Yep, I'll agree with Tiff and say you have a wonderful gift.  ~AF~ Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed. |
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Marshalzu 
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
I'm very jealous Allan, this was great the meter seemed flawless and it flowed absoloutely wonderfully... Well done Zu |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
i particularly loved the fifth stanza of this too, that was my favrite part of this beautiful poem. i know how much you love this format, which is probably why all your work in it comes out so beautifully writen. i like this a lot, another piece of your to grace my personal collection. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Whoooaaaa.......mmmhmm yeah.....*cough* Gotta love the format...man oh man...so much heavy-duty stuff in this, I'm gonna read it again..and again...and again....... ~Carly "I'll take in anyone who's taking off their camouflage..." ~Third Eye Blind~Camouflage |
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Tangerines Junior Member
since 2001-05-07
Posts 22Richmond, Virginia |
Absolutely incredible. I love "the fluid in me thinned." And because it was so breathtaking, I'm not going to yell about verb tenses.  "I don't judge people, I just watch them till it's time to look away. I wanna look away now." - Kristin Hersh |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Talk about kicking writer's block right in the butt! I really like this one! (pentameter, yay!) The content is what makes this piece, though. Really deep and beautifully portrayed... I really like this one. Thanks for sharing.  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Not my favorite by you Allan, You've done a lot better. It was good but it didn't hit the spot like most of your work usually does. Until your next poem!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
I didn't like it either. I'm still trying to get over writer's block, it's a real meanie.Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Allan, Allan, Allan... you never fail to impress me. This is awesome work. I love this format! I've actually tried it a couple of time *gasp* but got so frsutrated when they didn't come out like yours always do  Heh, but beautiful work, as always. Another one going in my library.Well done, my friend, very well done. --Marie "You're the girl of my nightmares. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Allan: I am not sure what to make of this. On the one hand, the imagery you used was very well done. I could easily see the fields of spring, coupled with the extremely beautiful similes that also serve to bolster the imagery. But on the other hand, I couldn't really see what this poem represented. It sounded like something knocking organized religion or extremism in philosophical doctrines and beliefs. But then, maybe that was just me. Some of your wording could also have been improved. For example, when you described your destiny having been chosen within a day, perhaps you could have used forg'd, or even forged, without the allasion. I don't think chose is used in the correct context there. So, although this wasn't my favourite work by you, I did like the beautiful images and concepts within it. You are rather good at villanelle. Despite whatever qualms I might have with this poem, I am really really interested in hearing what it was that you were talking about in it. LOL, perhaps I am not looking closely enough. Time will tell... "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" -- Magus [This message has been edited by fractal007 (edited 06-16-2001).] |
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