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knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

0 posted 2001-05-18 01:21 AM

im losing ground
drowning in this quick sand
struggling for a perch
in this tilting fun house
sinking deeper into
a shifting dream land
teetering on the brink
of a collapsing world

as i slowly lose my mind
im losing ground

or

im losing ground
as i slowly lose my mind

lol id already reversed them for allan and now theres another opinion..so which one ppls?

“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

"You say i only hear what i want too..."

[This message has been edited by knightlyshadows (edited 05-18-2001).]

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-05-18 01:25 AM

great job on the poem tiff...i enjoyed this quite a bit...thanks for the read...keep writing...

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

2 posted 2001-05-18 01:27 AM

I think the ending line was too unrelated to the rest of the poem to complete it correctly. I'd have to say this poem woudl be improved, if you reversed the order of the last two lines.

~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

3 posted 2001-05-18 01:10 PM

dagum it allan, you got here first again. i agree that if you reversed the order of the last two lines they would better serve to end this poem. other than that i thought this was great and you did a wonderful job on this. keep posting all your work.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-05-19 02:34 PM

Well done on this one. I liked this one a lot.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

5 posted 2001-06-06 07:16 PM

I'd go for the second one.
It seems to sound better with the rest of the poem
good job Tiff
thanks for the read

hi Sweets, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Val, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Maree, Michel

MoeRocko
Member

since 2001-04-25

Posts 166
West Virginia

6 posted 2001-06-06 08:00 PM

Cool one Tifferoke! Miss ya

This Is Not Here

How do I know where to go when I don't know which way I'm facing

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

7 posted 2001-06-10 11:42 AM

I've felt this b4...good job

never_a_princess
Member

since 2001-06-09

Posts 82
Show Me the Money

8 posted 2001-06-10 03:41 PM

Good poem, Tifferage! And, if u want my opinion, i like the second one better..i dunno why exactly, it just seems to flow better with the rest o' the poem(to me, at least..) *hugz* byee
~Anna..*waves*

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