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Teen Poetry #4
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chasing rain
Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737
Canada

0 posted 2001-05-17 06:46 PM


Night has come
I lay awake
Reflecting on
My life's mistakes.
I wander out
Beneath the
Milky moon
And stand
Before the
Sky
While a cricket
Hums a
Tune.
I stand entranced
Before the stars
So heavenly
And perfect
My memories
Marked by
Scars.
The twilight shatters
The silence of
The world
Nothing moves
Nothing
But the shimmer
Of the stars.

[This message has been edited by chasing rain (edited 05-17-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 chasing rain - All Rights Reserved
SEA
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Member Seraphic
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with you
1 posted 2001-05-17 07:04 PM


this is really good    
Allan Riverwood
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since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502
Winnipeg
2 posted 2001-05-17 11:34 PM


I like it good as well, but the line sizes were a bit sloppy in places and that was harmful to the flow.  You started out leading me along with a really fast-paced scheme and then the lines got longer.  
Still a great ending.     And a good title.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day.  Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.  
~Unknown

Dopey Dope
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Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
3 posted 2001-05-18 04:27 PM


Yea the lines were sloppy....but i did enjoy it. I know what you were tryin to do and you almost got it....follow allan's "dadaDADA" theory and some of his tips and you'll do fine hehe.
Well done on it.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Acies
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Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665
Twilight Zone
4 posted 2001-05-27 04:08 PM


I liked it a lot
I've seen some of the replies and I personally disagree with them.  But, to each his/her own  
Keep sharing
thanks for the beautiful read

I'm so sorry for doubting you Kit ... please forgive me!!!!

stace_co2003
Member
since 2001-03-30
Posts 497
In a dream world
5 posted 2001-05-27 04:14 PM


ya know...I've actually done that before...it's a quite refreshing expirence...
and you portray it so very well!! great job!!
*s*
Stace

Although teenagers claim independence and idealism, we have a common need for guidance, love, a shoulder to occasionally cry on, and at times a close

anonymous albert ?
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since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

6 posted 2001-05-27 06:17 PM


beautiufl poem...written nicely...i enjoyed this a lot...thanks for sharing it and hope to see more... ...?

i'm addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

anonymousfemale
Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
Limbo
7 posted 2001-05-28 11:27 AM


I don't think the lines are sloppy at all. They add to the thoughts. The cricket part really brought a smile to this face. I don't know why.  

Thanks for the read.

~AF~

Know what you want. Become your real self.
~ David Harold Fink ~

Marshalzu
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Lurking
8 posted 2001-05-28 11:55 AM


Very well done... Zu
DarkAngelOfTheStars
Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 255

9 posted 2001-05-28 11:57 AM


I liked this and stars rock!  hehe  

Dont knock on deaths door ...... ring the bell and run......he hates that

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