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Sabriel.s.h.lover
Member

since 2001-04-16

Posts 73
b.f.e. aka- Hickville

0 posted 2001-05-17 02:19 PM

I looked across the room,
there he stood.
Perfect.
Gorgeous.
he looked my way.
I smiled.
He smiles back.
oh no here he comes!
what do I do?
to dance?
of course!
we float across the floor.
I'm in heaven.
I looked into his eyes.
Deep Brown.
Wondering.......
Saying.......
"Do you love me?"............

there she stands.
Beautiful.
Heavenly.
should I walk over?
why not?
ok here goes.
"wanna dance?"
she said yes!
gliding across the room.
see her blue eyes.
answering.
"yes. I do love you........"

So many books, so little time
She and I are nothing alike, your confusing day with night.~Dream~girlband

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-05-17 05:09 PM

you have written it nicely...of what you were trying to discribe...i liked it...great job on the poem...and thanks for the read...

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

2 posted 2001-05-17 06:15 PM

beautiful

Lakewalker
Member Elite

since 2000-08-05

Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people

3 posted 2001-05-17 07:21 PM

I liked this, the two sides of it worked well, nice poem

"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato.

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

4 posted 2001-05-17 11:44 PM

I like this, but the alternation of past and present tense in it didn't exactly work for me, it kinda struck me as being sloppy.

Still I thought you did a pretty good job on the poem, just that one thing bothered me.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

5 posted 2001-05-18 04:28 PM

Very well done in thought, the fact that it was kinda sloppy in tenses confused me. Yet I really understood what was going on here and i liked it.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

6 posted 2001-06-06 07:26 PM

I like the way you showed both POVs
that is so unique
I love it
~*applauds*~

hi Sweets, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Val, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Maree, Michel

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