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Sabriel.s.h.lover
Member

since 2001-04-16

Posts 73
b.f.e. aka- Hickville

0 posted 2001-05-17 02:04 PM

My heart stops beating,
when you're around.

When you look into my eyes,
I melt into a puddle on the ground.

When I see you smile,
all the pain goes away.

When we talk,
I can't think of anything to say.

You slowly healed,
my crushed heart.

And I hope now in your busy life,
that I can play a big part.

I'm not quite sure,
but I think I'm in love with you.

It was always this way,
I knew.

I love you.

So many books, so little time
She and I are nothing alike, your confusing day with night.~Dream~girlband

[This message has been edited by Sabriel.s.h.lover (edited 05-17-2001).]

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-05-17 05:21 PM

sweeeeet poem...thanks for the read...this poem was nice...great job and i liked it...ohh and the title hmm...jus put it simple like "i love you"...

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

Lakewalker
Member Elite

since 2000-08-05

Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people

2 posted 2001-05-17 07:15 PM

In the second line "your" should be "you're," just thought I'd say that

This is really good, I liked the short lines, that made it flow really well for me. And what you're saying in this is so cool

Good job on this one.

"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato.

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

3 posted 2001-05-17 11:42 PM

Lake beat me to it.

Oh and if you want "help" on your poems, there's a simple feature to encourage help called a "critique flag." Go to member's area, change your profile, and you'll have the option somewhere in there to encourage critiques. That way, if you want, you can get helpful constructive replies on all of your poems without having to ask in the title.

I didn't think this poem was too bad at all, I agree with my fellow Al that it might work nicely simply as "I love you."
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

4 posted 2001-05-18 10:35 AM

well i got here after you edited everything, and as it stands i think that it is well done and very well written, i like this a lot. great job, keep sharing your wrok with all of us.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

5 posted 2001-05-18 10:40 AM

This one was beautiful...being in love is amazing..but i disagree with the others i dont really think you should just have "i love you" as your title cuz thats really simple...what popped into my head was "falling into you.." I dunno why!!! LoL I guess because when i was reading it it just brought back memories of falling into love with that special someone and the title just popped into my head!! LoL...Thanks for sharing this one with us!!

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

6 posted 2001-05-19 01:59 PM

You did wonderful on this one. I fully enjoyed it and thought it was rather sweet!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

7 posted 2001-05-31 07:28 PM

Excellent words....great job
Thanks for the beautiful read
keep sharing

I'm so sorry for doubting you Kit ... please forgive me!!!!

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

8 posted 2001-05-31 07:31 PM

I agree with every1 else. this was quite good.nice job.

fall hard, practice harder not to fall

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