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baby0508
Member

since 2001-05-16

Posts 58
Moodus, Connecticut

0 posted 2001-05-17 09:00 AM

Thanks for all of your responses on my first poem. This one is yet again, on the same topic. It's real hard for me to have to let someone i love so much go so here it is...

Untitled

If there was someone I could count on
when the sun just didn't shine
if I ever needed just to talk
I could call you anytime.

You welcomed me with smiles
and wiped my tears away
you told me that no matter what
your love for me would stay.

And now is when I need your love
my skies are not so blue
because your love is not with me
and this is all brand new

I never thought i'd see a cloud
when i saw your smiling face
and now you are telling me
that you need your space.

So a storm is what my world is
i'm drowning in the rain
but if you bring the sunshine back
it will take away my pain.

~*brittt*~
Member

since 2001-05-09

Posts 76
East Haddam, CT

1 posted 2001-05-17 12:39 PM

Hey sweetie. This time I know who this is, and I just want to let you know I'm here if you wanna talk. You know where to find me.. (i live with you!

) Anyways, don't worry about him. Any guy who can let you go like that probably didn't deserve you in the first place. Always remember that I love you.
~britt~

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

2 posted 2001-05-17 10:46 PM

It's nice to see families getting involved in PIPtalk.

I love this poem, a lot. In many places you used the old-fashioned 8-6-8-6 (all iambic meter) which I really love a lot, when done correctly. This was done correctly.

There were a few quatrains that didn't use this however, and I felt that it was a bit of a let-down when this was neglected. I would recommend that you try to make the trimeter-tetrameter exchange more frequent, and that would improve the flow of the poem.
I think that the emotion is the heart of this poem however, and it is profound.
Well done. And welcome to Passions, if I haven't said it already (forgive me, I was away for a while. LOL

)
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

3 posted 2001-05-18 09:28 AM

i know how hard it is to let go of someone and i know that this is a tough situation, but i'm glad that you've put it into words and turned it into beatiful poetry. this is truly incredible writing, this is now part of my library

if you ever need anyone to talk to i'll be here. keep posting all your work.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

4 posted 2001-05-18 10:47 AM

I think one of the hardest things in life is letting go...its such a tough thing to do but sometimes you have no choice but to.. I hope he comes back soon and pushes those clouds away

vixengrl04
Member

since 2001-04-26

Posts 495
East Haddam, CT

5 posted 2001-05-18 07:56 PM

This was sooo sad!! Guys suck, they always make ya hurt...I'm sorry and hope that things turn out good 4 u. Don't let anyone hurt you. This was really well written though.

~*Nikki*~

~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~

lonely*soul
Member

since 2001-04-05

Posts 396
east haddam (moodus) ct :)

6 posted 2001-05-18 08:03 PM

hey heather great job on the poem...i really like it. i think we have thest most ppl from 1 town..moodus baby lol..back to the poem i like the whole flow to it and theres and awsome meaning. post sum more soon

*KiMMiE*

[This message has been edited by lonely*soul (edited 05-18-2001).]

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

7 posted 2001-05-19 03:38 PM

Very well done here. I hope you heal fast and get through this good.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

8 posted 2001-05-21 03:03 AM

great poem...i really liked this one...the flow seemed to work the meaning seem to work...awesome job...thanksf or the read...

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

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