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Teen Poetry #4
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| Teen Poetry #4 |
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multiple |
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Tangerines Junior Member
since 2001-05-07
Posts 22Richmond, Virginia |
Oy. This - I don't know. Critique? when my name's called i don't look back. the sky at this time of year is a heartbroken pale blue, washed out by heated afternoons and the slow spin of a ceiling fan. i'm too many different people. i never know who it is lashing out with my fury; i never know who it is lying with my smile, subtle dose of medicinal betrayal. at night i count the stars reeling across the insides of my eyelids, i whisper fragments of songs or dreams. when i see you i'm mute, i lose all coherence, everything i need to say clots in my throat like a scab. driving home yesterday, the river was flat and glass-bottle green. i knew i was running away again. sunlight streamed through the overhanging trees: it was like salvation through a stained glass window. if i cry it's premeditated, more carefully planned than a murder, with time for my eyes to clear and a door to lock myself behind. what i mean is: i'm ready to stop listening, now. when i've got my final proof of inadequacy i'll shut my ears, empty my lungs, let myself slide deeper under until all i hear is the fragmented pulse of my blood and an echo of these shredded tongues i keep trying to communicate in. "I don't judge people, I just watch them till it's time to look away. I wanna look away now." - Kristin Hersh [This message has been edited by Tangerines (edited 05-11-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Susan - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
"Trying to communicate in" is a very interesting phrase... as for advice, I don't think I can offer much as I know literally nothing about what makes free verse work. Sorry.  ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
I liked this one a lot. Something about it really got my attention. I am not one for deep critiques, but it is really good. *~*Amanda*~* |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
i think you did a fine job on this...graet job and...keepw riting...  ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I really really enjoyed this poem! "if i cry it's premeditated, more carefully planned than a murder, with time for my eyes to clear and a door to lock myself behind." I NEVER quote from a poem....never....but you make it so hard. These lines really hit home hard. I fully enjoyed this.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
ok, how did you sneak a piece by me susan. i'm all flustered now  this piece is now a part of my personal collection, i think this is my favortie piece that i've read by you. the images are awsome, i love the beauty of your words. and i have never seen javy quote anyone until now, feel good about that one Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
by now a part of my personal collection i meant that it is NOW a part of my personal collection. hee hee, i forgot to hit the button Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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