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Beyond the eyes
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Beyond the eyes |
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ethel lahootie Member
since 2001-03-06
Posts 143SC, USA |
- i dunno if this really makes sense...i read someones poem that was in this kind of format sorta and i liked it and thought i would try it  this is what happened: haha-We are miles apart Apart, yet staring at one another at an arm’s length Lengths beyond time and place separate us Separate us from each other Nothing could stop this force This force that moves at such a speed it turns to light Light that only you and I can see I can see you, but you choose not to see me You look beyond Beyond me and into the eyes of someone else Someone else who doesn’t see me See me seeing you Together we are not We are not and never will be Be as one as we should We should see each other, but you do not The world is spinning Spinning with us in it In it miles apart Apart from each other I see you See you seeing her Seeing her seeing you And you never seeing me |
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| © Copyright 2001 ethel lahootie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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holatuwol Member
since 2001-04-27
Posts 72California, USA |
Heyhi! I just thought I'd say that I enjoyed your poem... hehehe Of course, I'm a poetry nut, so I'm not so sure whether or not my enjoyment really means much. But, being a poet myself, I figure that everyone's thoughts counts, because I love hearing the idea that people like my work and what they have to say about it. ^_^ So, before I start the critique (*watches murmuring in the background*), I'd like to emphasize that I really did enjoy the work. ^_^v Now, on with the critique! You do encourage them... sorta, right? ^^ I hope I come off relatively tactful in my attempt to critique the poem... hehehe Please keep in mind that I am not a good poet, so maybe my evaluation isn't a good benchmark or really that good to follow, but it's my opinion, so I'm going to state it. ^_^ Err... how much more long-winded could I get before critiquing the poem? I'm not sure... hehehe But, without further adieu, let's go! It took me a little while before I figured out what the format looked like... and what kind of format that you were actually talking about. ^^ Call me slow, but it took me awhile before I actually understood what you were trying to do with the lines and everything... all I can say is that I *think* I got it... you used the last words of each line to start the next line, right...? Overall, I thought the poem was all right. Some of the areas were sort of broken... early on, your use of the technique seemed to make the poem flow extremely well, and I didn't really notice it at first. But, as the poem continued, and by about two-thirds of the way through the poem, I thought it seemed to drag out, and the flow became extremely ragged, and the echo in it seemed to disappear after awhile... I think this style is most appropriate with shorter works, and I just thought that you might want to consider making the poems shorter if you try this style out. ^^ I'm not sure if the poem you read with this style was a longer one or not... but that's just my suggestion. Overall, a lovely piece of work with an excellent introduction and an interesting ending. But, I thought that the latter half dragged on, and you might want to consider cutting some of the thoughts short a little bit if you want to improve flow. ^_^ In case this post seemed to imply otherwise, I would like to say, once again, that I enjoyed this poem. ^_^ Hope to see more from you! - holatuwol |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
wow, that is a really long reply, i don't know how to follow that one up  i really liket he format of this piece, the way you wrote it is outstanding. it is filled with emotion and the descriptions are lovely. keep posting all your work.Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
That's one of the longest replies I've ever seen  Mine will be short and quick I see the pain you're trying to show us in this poem. All, I can say is stay strong and maybe you're day with him will come. Don't lose hope just cause he's with someone else right now. AT the same time, don't interfere and try to break their relationship. Keep your head up. "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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Marshalzu 
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Great Poem I could really empathise with you. Keep up the good work. Zu ps:- I think we have a winner for the longest reply award!!!  " The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots" -Thomas jefferson |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
i loved this poem! i liked everything about it. i got it and didnt think it was too long or nuttin. lol it reminds me of some of my own...(could be y i like it so much)  anyways...ethel i liked this muchs! hope everything works out for you. stand strong! *hugs* tiff  “A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.” |
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ethel lahootie Member
since 2001-03-06
Posts 143SC, USA |
thank ya much ppls! jO |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
I've done longer replies than that.  Where's my recognition? That holatuwol dude is a nut. I talked to him once, he's ok though. Just likes to talk. Notice his low post count? It's because he posts about 1000 worth into one reply.Oh and there's a poem here too!  Ethel, I did like what you did with the poem, but I agree with Mr Long-Reply that it was a bit broken after the very first portion of the poem, it kinda lost its edge. Try to trim down the length of the lines, or if you don't do that then extend the shorter ones so that they can catch up a little bit. Try to keep your line sizes all about equal and you should be fine.  ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
I'd have to agree, the flow was lost somewhere in there, but it can be changed if you want to change it or left alone if you want it left alone. Good job of expressing the feeling though, and keep posting those poems "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato. |
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Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
Pretty good. The whole seeing you seeing me thing got me a little confused, so I had to go back and read it twice, but it was still good. *~*Amanda*~* |
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Isabel Galaxia Senior Member
since 2000-06-18
Posts 733 |
*ACK!* Geez! Sorry, but I don't know that I can type that much. Not after this last month or so. Has this been a weird month? I think so. Hmm...o well. Good poem! I liked it mucho Bel |
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ethel lahootie Member
since 2001-03-06
Posts 143SC, USA |
what?im confused  ! AGAIN! weird month? huh? again please...splain! haha ~jO~ |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
great job..and i thought you did a well..job on writing this poe...keep writing...  ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Gotta love that guy who replies a lot though....seems like a great person... Anyhow.....the poem was fine. I enjoyed it very much!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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