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Marshalzu
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Lurking

0 posted 2001-05-10 09:33 AM


Blockhouse blues

Stuck here sittin without a gain
The bullets fly with overhead
And our sacrifice is all in vain

Broken bodies lie on the plain
They died when they turned and fled
Stuck here sittin without a gain

Machine gun bring us a lead rain
That leaves our comrades dead
And our sacrifice is all in vain

Broken bodies in fields of grain
The streams are bloodied red
Stuck here sittin without a gain

Leave the veld and the open plain
They remember how we fled
And our sacrifice is all in vain

And as we leave on armoured train
We remember all our dead
Stuck here sittin without a gain
And our sacrifice is all in vain

--- Ok my first attempt at a villanelle so where have I gone wrong?

" The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots" -Thomas jefferson

E-mail/Msn: Targetmrzu@hotmail.com

© Copyright 2001 Andrew Sewell - All Rights Reserved
Allan Riverwood
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1 posted 2001-05-10 10:15 AM


Where you've gone wrong -
Iambic Meter.  
Lucky for me Nan has a thread in the Workshop that I can link you to if you want to learn a bit about Iambic meter.  It's necessary in Villanelle.
It's not as tough as it sounds either.   /pip/Forum22/HTML/000298.html
Well, have fun writing villanelle!  
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day.  Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.  
~Unknown

Marshalzu
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Lurking
2 posted 2001-05-10 10:20 AM


Thanks Allan I thought that the Meter would be the downfall   Anyway I've had a look at the page and hopefully I will be able to rework this soon.

" The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots" -Thomas jefferson

E-mail/Msn: Targetmrzu@hotmail.com

banburycross
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since 2001-03-27
Posts 946
viginia
3 posted 2001-05-10 01:15 PM


this is another great format and i'm glad to see you working with it.  the meter does need some work but i hope you don't give up on this, i think this can easily become an incredible piece.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Acies
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Twilight Zone
4 posted 2001-05-12 11:43 PM


hey, as you said it's your first try
good job though
keep on it

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee."  W.S.

anonymous albert ?
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5 posted 2001-05-12 11:53 PM


very good...zu..i thought you did quite well...trying different styles is great...and keep writing.. ...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

obscurity of cloud
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since 2001-05-11
Posts 294
....:::::******:::::....
6 posted 2001-05-13 01:50 AM


I want to compliment you on your title!  I have a hard time with titles and yours is very attention-getting.  Keep posting!

"so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost

Child of the Stars
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7 posted 2001-05-13 08:36 AM


Ahhh yes, meter would help.   I liked this one.
  ~Carly

"I'll take in anyone who's taking off their camouflage..." ~Third Eye Blind~Camouflage

Dopey Dope
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8 posted 2001-05-17 02:08 AM


Allan, explain to the class your "DadaDADAdaDA theory" of meter....  

well done....hope to see more!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

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