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Teen Poetry #4
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Blockhouse blues (villanelle)
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Blockhouse blues (villanelle) |
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Marshalzu  
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking 
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Blockhouse blues Stuck here sittin without a gain The bullets fly with overhead And our sacrifice is all in vain Broken bodies lie on the plain They died when they turned and fled Stuck here sittin without a gain Machine gun bring us a lead rain That leaves our comrades dead And our sacrifice is all in vain Broken bodies in fields of grain The streams are bloodied red Stuck here sittin without a gain Leave the veld and the open plain They remember how we fled And our sacrifice is all in vain And as we leave on armoured train We remember all our dead Stuck here sittin without a gain And our sacrifice is all in vain --- Ok my first attempt at a villanelle so where have I gone wrong? " The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots" -Thomas jefferson |
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| © Copyright 2001 Andrew Sewell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Where you've gone wrong - Iambic Meter. Lucky for me Nan has a thread in the Workshop that I can link you to if you want to learn a bit about Iambic meter. It's necessary in Villanelle. It's not as tough as it sounds either.  /pip/Forum22/HTML/000298.html Well, have fun writing villanelle!  ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Thanks Allan I thought that the Meter would be the downfall Anyway I've had a look at the page and hopefully I will be able to rework this soon." The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots" -Thomas jefferson |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
this is another great format and i'm glad to see you working with it. the meter does need some work but i hope you don't give up on this, i think this can easily become an incredible piece. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
hey, as you said it's your first try good job though keep on it "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
very good...zu..i thought you did quite well...trying different styles is great...and keep writing..  ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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obscurity of cloud Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 294....:::::******:::::.... |
I want to compliment you on your title! I have a hard time with titles and yours is very attention-getting. Keep posting! "so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Ahhh yes, meter would help. I liked this one.~Carly "I'll take in anyone who's taking off their camouflage..." ~Third Eye Blind~Camouflage |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Allan, explain to the class your "DadaDADAdaDA theory" of meter....  well done....hope to see more!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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