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DragonFang
Senior Member

since 2000-03-09

Posts 522
Missouri, USA

0 posted 2001-05-09 11:58 PM

Okay, a little note before the poem. This is a poem I wrote as a prophecy for a story that I'm writing. I actually wrote this quite a while ago, but, yeah. ANYWAY, please, if you can think of a way to make it flow smoother, and still have the same message, tell. Be brutaly honest with this piece.

The great rivers run over with blood
The tide of war comes again
Pulling at all the lands like a flood
The Blood Moon risses and war decends.

The plain on food is grown
Running from the heat and falme
War's enveloping can't be stoped
The Blood Moon risses and war decends.

A standing serpent rears its head
A winged beast is set to roam
And an army of the seeming dead
The Blood Mood risses and war decends.

"Sa souvraya niende missian ye." \
I am lost in my own mind.

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

1 posted 2001-05-10 12:21 PM

Good repitition and everything, but if you really want to improve this poem...

1) Make the first and third lines of the second last stanza rhyme, like the rest of the poem.
2) Use meter. Use it often. Use it excessively. Use it ridiculously. If you want a poem to be popular in something like a short story I think it would have to flow better...
and Meter = Flow.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

2 posted 2001-05-10 02:58 AM

i gotta agree with allan on this one if you want it to flow make sure it ryms the same way through out the whole poem..just not here and there..other then that i think you did quite well...keep writing..

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

3 posted 2001-05-10 10:27 AM

allan got here before me and made everthing that i was going to say completely worthless

oh well. i think that if you tweak this a little and work on the meter this will be a really incredible piece. keep posting all your work.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

4 posted 2001-05-12 05:32 PM

I'm personally not a person for meters
I think you did a good job and think that you should keep on doing this. can't wait to see your next

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

mistic
Member

since 2001-05-06

Posts 233
Idaho, U.S.A.

5 posted 2001-05-12 09:12 PM

Hmmm I think meter really might help this poem, sweetie. You know I'm not really a fan of meter, considering almost all of my poems are written in free-verse, but there's something missing to making this poem smoother to the reader. And I think meter just might do the trick.

*~*Stephy*~*

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

6 posted 2001-05-16 07:06 PM

NIce to see you posting!! I enjoyed the poem. You did quite well on it.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

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