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Teen Poetry #4
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My Heart
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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My Heart |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT 
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This is kinda scary and weird, so I dont really know why I'm posting it. I think it might get removed because it's too graphic, but it's not supposed to sound destructive or anything...Oh well... ~*Nikki*~ ____________________________________________________ Cut the soft flesh open until the skin parts so smoothly revealing the thick blood that flows mechanically through my veins. Stick your hand inside my chest and grasp my heart, ripping it out as violently as you know how. Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom. It beats it's final pulses and then the bloody organ is muted. Now slice into it, cut my heart into bite-size pieces, keep on disecting. Place it on a plate and sprinkle the organ with seasonings. Then lift your fork and feast. Oh wait- You already did that, didn't you? ~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~ |
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| © Copyright 2001 Nikki - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Alright, I'm going to be honest. The ending was a real disappointment. What you had set was a very dark, descriptive and extremely involving tone, and you ended it sarcastically. I really didn't like that. Now when I was reading this before the last line I was completely spellbound by the imagery, it was absolutely amazing. The feel, the power of it all made me cringe. I'd highly recommend rewriting this to keep the dark tone constant right through to the end. Just my humble opinion, but I personally would really like to see this revised.  ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. ~Unknown [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 05-07-2001).] |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
the imagery is incredible!! i started to shiver when i read this. it was a little graphic but i think that you wrote it beautifully and the impact on the reader is tremendous. i agree that you might want to go back and revise the ending a bit, but this is amazing writing overall. keep posting all your work. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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lonely*soul Member
since 2001-04-05
Posts 396east haddam (moodus) ct :) |
nikki this was an awsome post..but ya know what...i think that u should write atleast 1 new happy poem..and post it up here k? pah lease? lol b.c you always write bout the bad stuff when there is so much good about u! ttyl *KiM* |
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Pixie-Babe03 Member
since 2000-08-29
Posts 387Central Maine |
I must agree with Allan on this one, this poem was so dark and descriptive it gave me chills, it is VERY powerful and has a LOT of potential! great work! *Justine* -=Love starts with a SMILE, grows with a KISS, and ends with a TEAR=- |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
vixengrl, as i was reading this my eyes went round from the imagery. "and then the bloody organ is muted" is my favorite part! the ending made me laugh, but i dunno...keep going with the gory bloody stuff! lol. overall a very kool poem. it's going straight into my library. -fear- |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT |
Hi guys, thanks for the replies. The ending is not supposed to be humorous at all, its actually supposed to mean that the person that this poem is about emotionally "ate my heart" so to speak, and I did not mean for the last line to sound humourous. But I will try 2 revise it with a more appriopriate ending so check back 2morrow 2 see what I come up with. Thanks. ~*Nikki*~ ~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~ |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
cant wait and i thought you'll do really good in dark poems hope you keep writing more of this kind of poems cuz this poem was just awesome keep writing   ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
This is graphic but it really doesn't exhibit any form of suicidal content whatsoever....So I figure i'll leave it here....Mostly the poem shows how somebody tore your heart out and so on. Your images within the poem show a lot of pain and that is why it's graphic, which I see no problem with. Anyhow, you know the rules so I don't have to tell you nothing hehe...this one was ok in my eyes. Well done and hope to see more  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Suga_Baby Member
since 2000-08-06
Posts 380Maine, USA |
THIS ROCKS!!! "A dream is a wish your heart makes while you are fast asleep." |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
I liked this one alot. Dark,scary poetry is something I enjoy. Even though you've heard it before, the ending could use some help. Keep the same idea of this person hurting you, but don't stop the poetry with such a flat out statement, use some more of that imagery that you are so good at. Jon "Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine |
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obscurity of cloud Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 294....:::::******:::::.... |
I loved it! And our new moderator already proves that he can make great calls Your words are so powerful; it's trembling and tenebre. "so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT |
I'm glad that this wasn't taken off..Thanks guys. ~*Nikki*~ ~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~ |
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