My Heart-revised ending - pipTalk Forums

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vixengrl04
Member

since 2001-04-26

Posts 495
East Haddam, CT

0 posted 2001-05-08 12:19 PM

Hey guys, I changed the ending of this like was suggested. Let me know what you think about the change. Thanks.

~*Nikki*~
____________________________________________________
~*My Heart*~

Cut the soft flesh open
until the skin parts so smoothly
revealing the thick blood that flows mechanically
through my veins.
Stick your hand inside my chest
and grasp my heart,
ripping it out as violently as you know how.
Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom.
It beats it's final pulses
and then the bloody organ is muted.
Now slice into it,
cut my heart into bite-size pieces,
keep on dissecting.
Place it on a plate and
sprinkle the organ with seasonings.
Then lift your fork and feast.
Your sharp molars puncture the soft meat,
Your taste buds are satisfied.
You swallow it whole
And the bloody flesh slides down your throat effortlessly.
Digest my tender heart,
and it will no longer be in your way.

~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

1 posted 2001-05-08 01:29 PM

well that was intersting... it was a great post.... the whole eating of the heart made me a little green......(sea sick face)..... nice work though

Regina

"Take a look at my face, there's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you"bon jovi

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

2 posted 2001-05-08 01:30 PM

wow, i really liket he change that you made to this, i think that it was exactly what the poem needed. as the first one in this thread i hereby declare this poem a masterpiece. this is one of the most powerful poems i've read here, great job.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

3 posted 2001-05-08 01:52 PM

awesome...i really liked the revised...definitly a great piece...wonderful job and keep writing nikki

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

vixengrl04
Member

since 2001-04-26

Posts 495
East Haddam, CT

4 posted 2001-05-08 03:08 PM

Hey guys, thanks for reading this and I'm glad that you like the change!! Thank you for your comments.

~*Nikki*~

~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

5 posted 2001-05-15 02:05 AM

Once again, quite graphic, but only explaining how somebody tore your heart out. I liked it.....and unfortunately I've felt it.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

6 posted 2001-05-15 09:08 PM

Yea i thought this was graphic too but thats what makes it so interesting and so unlike a lot of other people's poems..i always enjoy reading yours because to me they stand out from the rest...you have your own special touch to it which i like very much...great job

vixengrl04
Member

since 2001-04-26

Posts 495
East Haddam, CT

7 posted 2001-05-15 09:15 PM

Dopey~Thank you for your reply and I'm sorry that you have felt the pain 2.

Shuga~Thanks 4 replying and I'm glad you like my work. I have enjoyed every single piece that I have read by you 2.

~*Nikki*~

~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~

Suga_Baby
Member

since 2000-08-06

Posts 380
Maine, USA

8 posted 2001-05-15 09:46 PM

To be honest, I like the other version better....

"A dream is a wish your heart makes while you are fast asleep."

Pixie-Babe03
Member

since 2000-08-29

Posts 387
Central Maine

9 posted 2001-05-15 09:50 PM

well i liked the poem to begin with but with the revised ending it is so much more powerful! very descriptive working! this is so great!

keep writing!!
-=Justine=-

-=Love starts with a SMILE, grows with a KISS, and ends with a TEAR=-

vixengrl04
Member

since 2001-04-26

Posts 495
East Haddam, CT

10 posted 2001-05-16 09:35 AM

Thank ya 4 replying Suga and Pixie...I'm not sure which version I like better, but I guess that doens't really matter 2 much. Oh well thanks.

~*Nikki*~

~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~

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