Teen Poetry #4 |
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Ransom |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT ![]() |
This is still definitely not one of my best. I will make an effort to get one of my better ones on here soon, so don't think that everything I write is quite as sucky as this. I noticed that some of the lines dont fit together quite that well, so suggestions are welcome. Thanks. ~*Nikki*~ ____________________________________________________ ~*Ransom*~ I'm being held ransom, trapped in my own life. Unable to escape, the everyday strife. I'm being held ransom, there's no way out. My soul has been captured, I have no doubt. I'm being held ransom, stuck as myself. Need to get out of here, I'm losing my health. I'm being held ransom, and I can't break free. I wish there was a way, that you could rescue me. Not enough money in the world, that would allow me to go. I'm being held ransom, and nobody knows. ~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~ |
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© Copyright 2001 Nikki - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood![]() ![]()
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
For starters, I didn't see that this poem was at all bad. It's nothing excellent, but I can't see many real flaws to it. I think it might be as good as it is going to get. If I were you I'd look at the repitition of the first line of most stanzas... it might be a bit effective if you trimmed use of that line just a tad, or rearranged it. Still I'm a bit unsure... Until next time, I await your favourite works. ![]() ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
this isn't your best work but it certainly isn't anything that sucks. i think that going back and tinkering a bit with the number of syllables in each line to help the flow out a bit. i still thought this waqs pretty good though, keep posting all your work. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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lonely*soul Member
since 2001-04-05
Posts 396east haddam (moodus) ct :) |
nikki..this was a good poem..and im not gonna cut it apart b.c youll beat me (not that i was planing on saying bad stuff anyways..lol) good job. and member u can live at my house anytime u want hehe... *KiM* |
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anonymous albert ?![]()
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
yea..mine too ![]() "I'm being held ransom, trapped in my own life. Unable to escape, the everyday strife".... that really gave something relate thru the poem the most...i really liked it...keep writing... ![]() if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
nikki, i liked this poem...dunno why you said it sucked cuz it didn't. i guess we're all pretty harsh on our own writing tho. keep writin!!! -fear- |
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Dopey Dope![]()
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Well done! I enjoyed the poem....not your best, but still a wonderful poem. ![]() I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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dramaqueen22086 Member
since 2001-05-05
Posts 50Hadlyme, CT |
nikki good job on this poem, i think every thing you is great, i think im your biggest fan. you and kimmie, are my fav poet in the world. luv ya ~!kellie!~ |
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stace_co2003 Member
since 2001-03-30
Posts 497In a dream world |
you did do a great job on this one, don't put it down...and in actuality, I know exactly waht you are talking about in it. ![]() Stace |
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~*brittt*~ Member
since 2001-05-09
Posts 76East Haddam, CT |
Nikki: bet u didnt think ud see a reply from me up here! i like this poem and i think i already told u that. i love u hun. keep up the good work. ~britt~ |
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Marshalzu![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Great work... it doesn't suck at all... although the problem of life and strife... which we have all come across... anyway I await you favourites... ![]() Mr mr Zu " The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots" -Thomas jefferson |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT |
Hey guys thank you for even more replies!! Britt~You have 2 start posting some of ur poems on here hun. Thanks. ![]() ~*Nikki*~ ~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~ |
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*~valeria~* Junior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 10East Haddam, CT |
hey hunnie bunches of oats. this is a really good poem. i love it and i think that you should write some more poems these are really good. |
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*~valeria~* Junior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 10East Haddam, CT |
hey hunnie bunches of oats. this is a really good poem. i love it and i think that you should write some more poems these are really good. *~*~VALERIA~*~* |
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xShUgArHiGhx![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
Whoaaa very good job on this one vixen!!! I really enjoyed this one...keep up the good work! |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT |
Valeria~Hunnie bunches of oats eh?? Sometmes I pretned not 2 know u, lol... Shuga~Thanks, glad you liked this. ![]() ~*Nikki*~ ~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~ |
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Acies![]()
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
This is a great concept, but i believe you can make it better. Try and repost it as a revised poem. It has all the works of a great poem. thanks for sharing "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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