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Teen Poetry #4
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The Champion - On the Departure of a Dear Friend
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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The Champion - On the Departure of a Dear Friend |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Mighty fighting, fierce and bold Stepping out from sorrows old Into daylight battles bold Shouting battle cries of old Titan bold and strong, with might Venturing into glorious light Kill the demons, fight with might Bring this land unto the light Keep me through the evil night Fighting, pressing into light Call! proclaim the lives untold Bless us with your courage bold Left us in his victory sweet, Better heroes there may be... None come close to your own feat YOU gave eyes with which to see God in all his wond'rous might! "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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| © Copyright 2001 fractal007 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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AngelShell Member
since 2000-03-01
Posts 446not heaven nor hell so... |
I liked it very much *claps* congrats. ~First they tell you, you can’t sleep alone in a strange place, then they tell you, you can’t sleep with somebody else~ |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
Call! proclaim the lives untold Bless us with your courage bold woooooo hoooooo!! i feel exactly like i did when i was a wee lass after watching a tostesterone pumped action movie...hehehe great poem! "Life is not long and boring, |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
This was great fraC! I LIKED the little couplet at the end. very well done on this one. I hope to read more soon!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
"YOU gave eyes with which to see God in all his wond'rous might!" VERY nice, frac! This is an extremely powerful poem! The rhyme scheme and flow is excellent. I like the structure of the last two stanzas.. I'm impressed! Nicely done! --Marie Don't ever be someone's slogan, because you are poetry. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Seven syllables work nice in here but get a bit tired after a while... I think if you somehow shortened a few lines in contrast (maybe to five?  nah, be original) then you'd have a more interesting flow. I'd also make glorious into glor'ious, just so people know it's meant to be read as two syllables.  Wonderful work on the rhyme/repitition scheme, it was quite original. I really appreciate the uniqueness of this work. ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Thanks for the replies everybody. Allan: Notice the / u / u / u / sceme of stresses in this one? lol, perhaps I'm not too bad at meter after all, lol. As far as the glorious thing, I felt that the poem might not look asthetically good if there were too many allasions in it. So, I decided to let people just pick up the fact that it was probably meant to be read as glor'us on their own. Anyhow, thanks for the replies. I am glad that I seem to have done this friend justice through this poem. I will probably write more about him soon, though. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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