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Teen Poetry #4
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Day And Night
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Day And Night |
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IsGona Senior Member
since 2000-07-14
Posts 723
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Kinda rough and unfinished but... deal with it hehe Day and Night A day flys by But the night won't end I don't know why It's happened again I seem to have An impossible task Answers the questions Your afraid to ask I see the pain Deep in your eyes I see the fear Your pride always hides The day flew by But this night won't end 'Till the day I die I will be your friend So as we sludge Through the night I'll hold you tight Staight to sunlight -------------------------- note: day = goodtimes night = badtimes but you all knew that... |
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| © Copyright 2001 IsGona - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Very nice, Jason! Although I think you should remove the legend at the end of your poem, I knew that but the poem should really be left open for interpretation, shouldn't it? This kinda takes a lot from it, telling the reader what they are supposed to see. Just my humble opinion. I liked how you used italics in certain stanzas. You also displayed a very improved technique, well done.  ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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Shygirl82 Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 245Ilinois |
Very well done...I thought it was excellent... "I see the pain Deep in your eyes I see the fear Your pride always hides" That displays soo much emotion..I loved it Always, ~Nikki~ |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
IsGonna: I was quite impressed with this one. I did find it's extra syllable here or there to be a bit detrimental to its rythm. For example: " 'Till the day I die I will be your friend " I think this would read much better as " 'Till the day I die I'll be your friend " But other than that, this poem is quite good. I loved the feelings it conveyed. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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AngelShell Member
since 2000-03-01
Posts 446not heaven nor hell so... |
I liked this. Very Very Very good. ~First they tell you, you can’t sleep alone in a strange place, then they tell you, you can’t sleep with somebody else~ |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
hey love this one..its really sweet!!..just one thing howsabout changing that last line to : Staight into sunlight ???... just a suggestion.. "Life is not long and boring, |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Another great one Jay. I think I disagree with Allan on the legend... I like that you clarified that for me. I mean, commonsense says that would be what it meant... But hey, it's 6:00 AM haha Keep 'em coming!! jenn "I've come too close to happiness, to have it swept away,don't think I can take the pain, never fall again..." Janet |
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IsGona Senior Member
since 2000-07-14
Posts 723 |
Hey you guys. thank you Allan ~ Nothing about you is huumble... lol jk. Actually I think your right but it's there now, I'm not going to bother changing it. Nikki ~ Thank you for your kinf comments Fractol ~ You are absolutely right fractol. I think after I wrote this and quickly read over it I read it as I'll and then it was cut and paste into pip... hehe, But it's defeinently a distraction. Thank you for letting me see that. Angel Shell ~ thank you. I'm am happy yooou enjoyed it. cherish ~ hmmm... yeah your right too. Honestly I think the last to verses should just be rewritten all together but that change would help. Thank you. Jenn ~ I'm glad I could help  Thank you for reading. I do apreciate it.Well g2g running late for work Jason |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
i liked the theme of this and i really like the symbolism that you used throughout the poem. if you get a chance at some point, i hope you take a little time to tinker with the flow of this and make it even better. it is a great poem right now, but has the potential to be a masterpiece. i always enjoy reading your work, keep posting your poetry. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Marshalzu 
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
This was very good, I really enjoyed it and to be quite honest I thought it would work perfectly well without the modifications that have been suggested... I do however agree with Allan about removing the footnote... it will allow people to intrpret the poem their own way and identify with the poem more easily but that's just what I think. Anyway Great piece. Zu " The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots" -Thomas jefferson |
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DragonFang Senior Member
since 2000-03-09
Posts 522Missouri, USA |
I really liked this poem. Don't know what else to say that's not been said already. But I do think this is an excelent piece of work. "Sa souvraya niende missian ye." \ |
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sweetstuff101 Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 375OK, USA |
wOw...that was awesome... :::So as we sludge Through the night I'll hold you tight Staight to sunlight::: I love that, it's so sweet!!! Thanks 4 the uplift! *lol* Great poem, keep writing!!! Much Love, ~*~Priscilla~*~ SuMdAy U'll CrY 4 mE bUt I wOn'T cRy 4 U, sUmDaY U'll MiSs Me LiKe I MiSsD U, SuMdAy Ull nEeD mE LiKe I nEeDed U, sUmDaY U'll lUv Me BuT I wOn'T LuV U |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Wow, Jason.. very impressive. I loved the symbolism. Nice work, I enjoyed this. --Marie Don't ever be someone's slogan, because you are poetry. |
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IsGona Senior Member
since 2000-07-14
Posts 723 |
Thank you very much every one. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Great job on this one Jason. I felt you wrote this one very well. it touched me....right here *points* Keep posting!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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lonely*soul Member
since 2001-04-05
Posts 396east haddam (moodus) ct :) |
wow i liked it alot..like a real lot..good job to the library it goes! *KiMMiE* |
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Low Man's Lyric Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 236In a dream |
I think this poem is perfect the way it is, great job with this poem. Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend." |
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JBaker515
since 2001-02-28
Posts 458Dartmouth College |
AWESOME...great job JAY!! -Jeff |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
This was such a good poem!!! ahhhhh i loved this one so much!! great job |
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