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Teen Poetry #4
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Black Velvet
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Black Velvet |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico 
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NOTE: not my best......not my worst....and not even close to being in between.....blah to this one. Black Velvet: Living a life of fantasy. Wishing a wish that just can't be. Sitting here in a death hall sigh. Pondering if, and when I should die. Velvet emotion, jagged soul. Crying for the thought of whole. Tears run down, this love I miss. Withering within laconic bliss.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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| © Copyright 2001 Pepe de la Muerte - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
I'd say it falls into the "Higher Mediocre" spot... I have to give thanks to Carly for that quote.. but the description is awesome, such as "velvet emotions...laconic bliss...death hall sigh." nice on bro...thanks for your brief response to my poem. 80) ~JDR "Is it love in my gut, or piss in my bladder?" -Allan Riverwood |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
This one seemed really good to me, I'm wondering why it's on the bottom of page two with one response, these boards go too fast these days  Anyway, really good job."Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker http://www.thehungersite.com |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
instead of "laconic", you could have used "brusque" instead  lol j/ki swear, after reading your poems and some other poets in the forum, i feel like ican get on the hot seat of "who wants to be a millinaire" and win the whole thing lol thanks for the read you are good I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Thanks to the 3 who replied haha.....I can always count on you 3. Much appreciated. I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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Silver Butterfly Junior Member
since 2001-03-13
Posts 42Between here and the end |
Nice rhyme scheme. This was better then you gave it credit for being. |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
You can count on me too! Just had a four day weekend, with no comp. I haven't been on for a while. No one's really noticed. Oh well, I'm here. I always read your works, and I try to reply, but sometimes, you just, leave me, you just leave me in awe! Like now. This is good. And other times, I have a huge headache, and words just go right over my head. Oh well, ya know I love ya! I wish people would stop telling me that I can do anything I want to. I never thought that I couldn't. |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
*coughs* er...Sorry Dopes.  I always read whatever you post, just sometimes words escape me to reply. I'm replying now though!! hehe...  You always bag your work when it doesn't deserve to be brought down. It's no where near your worst but one that I really like from you. The deeper ones you write are easier to connect with rather than the lighter ones. As usual, great writing, Dopes. ~AF~ "It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory." |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Beautiful poem, Dopes... I love your work, you're so skilled! This is a very good poem, and I don't see why you think all of your poems aren't that great, becuase all of them are superb. Very nice job! --Marie I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
The forethought was more thought-provoking than the poem.  Haha.... jk of course.  I thought it was pretty good... lately you haven't been to impressed with your work, have you? I had a stage like that. Try to be more creative about your formats if you think it might help you. That or get a deck of cards. ~Allan If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
Oh this is most definetely NOT blah...the emotions it evokes are deep and sad.... |
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fozzyozzy Member
since 2001-03-15
Posts 336Lessburg Virginia |
Alas Dopey you don't have a bomb on your hands here. And if you think it is, it must be the holy grail of bombs. I found it hauntingly amusing(weird description i know. But then again, I'm sick in the head ) good job hooray for Dopey!"The heart can think of no devotion |
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HeAvEnS AnGeL Member
since 2001-05-17
Posts 168The Hot Girl From Canada |
I really likes this poem. Hope yah dont mind if i stick it in my library makes me wonder if your okay? hope so! Just remember keep smiling hun Don't judge a person untill you have walked a mile in their shoes, this way your a mile away from them, and you have their shoes. |
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thedarkangel Member
since 2001-05-12
Posts 74~*~the cutest~*~ |
I think this poem rocks. You should give yourself more credit for it. It's so weird i look at yours and other Moderators poems and aspire to reach that level! Keep inspiring! love, peace and eyeliner angel ~x~ tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial for what it's worth it was worth all the while - Green Day |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
quite deep dopey...i liked th emotions in this one...great writing as always...i really liked it ...bye javi  i'm addicted to passions in poetry!...are you? [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 06-03-2001).] |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Great work Dopey, I really liked this piece as I like most of your work... not your best but very good none the less... Zu |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
This was great work Javier.... Regina "Take a look at my face, there's no price I won't pay |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
To all...thanks Andrew....you are right....this is not my best....not at all. I hate this poem....literally hate. Why was this brought up? hahaha Paula is dead! Well thanks all!  |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
this was awesome Dopey! Great job!library material in my opinion!  fall hard, practice harder not to fall |
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obscurity of cloud Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 294....:::::******:::::.... |
I really enjoyed the very last line, and i don't find any drastic fault with anything else, for that matter! "so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost |
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SEA
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
sweet Dopey I'd REALLY like to see you do something more with this line "Wishing a wish that just can't be." wow...I love it....I think you could do something very romantic with it....would you try for me? Please ~SEA |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Something romantic with "Wishing a wish that just can't be"? AND a poem written in the form of a woman? haha....I'm having trouble writing a regular poem as it is..... You'll have the woman poem in time, I have to get inspired.....as for the line...I don't know.....You'll have to be extra nice |
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SEA
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
I love you Dopey ( how's that? is that nice enough.....or would you like more sweet talk ) |
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Alyssa
since 2001-05-30
Posts 385IM ENGAGED!!!!! |
Hey cute stuff! This is a pretty good poem, ok ok, its good, i like it alot, its kinda short, but i still like it.  ±Ålyssa± "lifes tough, get a helmet" |
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little_krazy_poet Junior Member
since 2001-05-28
Posts 41 |
it didn't do much for me. but it's not your worst, and i can tell you it's not your best. well anyway happy writting! WRITE WHAT YOU FEEL!! AND DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU TO DO OTHERWISE |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
And now... The only opinion that matters hehehe Kidding.As usual Javier- A great poem. Am I suprised? Not at all. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
javier, i happen to like this one better than most of your other writings..go figure... |
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stace_co2003 Member
since 2001-03-30
Posts 497In a dream world |
I am going to respond!!! late, but I'm still gonna do it!! ok, here we go: so, this poem didn't meet up to my highest expectation, but it was good none-the-less. Living a life of fantasy. Wishing a wish that just can't be. I read this wondering just what that wish could be. you drew me in with these two lines dopes. Sitting here in a death hall sigh. Pondering if, and when I should die. this I didnt' really understand. why does death come in? Velvet emotion, jagged soul. Crying for the thought of whole. and this didn't make sense to me either, I'm either reading it totally wrong, or I'm a blonde. the thought of whole? Tears run down, this love I miss. Withering within laconic bliss okay, I have no clue what laconic means, but I like this ending. it's a good begining, and weak middle, but a strong ending. I like this Dopes. Keep the love I'm just glad that now this rainstorm has ended, and I can see the rainbow once again. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Death comes into play because the second verse introduces a wish that CANNOT be....so i'm depressed and bring a bit of death within this poem. The thought of whole- completeness...or a complete soul.... All in all you are right......weak middle and it killed the poem. I REALLY with all my heart appreciate your in depth reply stace THANK YOU! And the rest guys.....thanks! Fate- yea, go figure hehe I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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